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Opening up.

by Depersonalization

I had never heard of this sight until tonight. I saw a friend post about it on Facebook & instantly thought that it was a sign.

 

Let me just begin with a little bit about me. I am 18, I live in a town I hate, & I hate most people. I’ve never really blogged, but I’ve always wanted to. It really helps me to write & I need to have a way to calm myself down. I really don’t know how to explain myself because I don’t really know who I am anymore. I don’t want to hear that I’m too young & that I need to get over the “little” problems because I have been through more than an 18 year old should. In my posts I plan on telling you events that have happened to me in my life up until this point.

A reason I believe this was a sign is because lately I have been suffering some hardcore Anxiety, something that is quite recently new in my life. With this I am Bipolar & Manic Depressant, I get really low sometimes, I think that I always have a terminal illness or something that is going to kill me at a young age, & I freak out easily. I take a certain medicine for all of this combined, but due to turning 18 I lost my insurance & cannot afford the $390 price for it. So I officially have nothing keeping me stabilized at this point in my life. Since being off my medicine I have been going through a symptom that is associated with Anxiety & that is: Depersonalization. It’s where you can’t really comprehend real life, you are unable to perceive that you are you, these are your body parts. Reality is a dream & you’re truly not there. For example, I Look at my hands… they’re not my hands. Same with my legs. I literally feel like nothing but a pair of eyes. I don’t know any other way to explain it. It scares me to the point of panic. I have been so depressed lately & I’m being told by those close to me that it’s all made up for the pharmaceutical industry to get money. .this itself also brings me down.

I have never really truly thought about actually taking my life, just things like, “How would everyone feel? My family, friends, boyfriend, & even enemies.” Death is obviously something that scares me, but why did it suddenly hit me tonight that I have the power to end this, my life. I have the power to not feel this sadness, fear & pure hatred for who I am & everything wrong with me. I hate having to deal with this everyday, but I could never end my life. I just hate that I have to live this way. I HATE THIS FEAR. I get so moody & lash out on the ones I love, especially my parents & boyfriend. I know I am pushing them away & I don’t want that. I need ways to keep myself from this. I need something to get my life back on order. Being that I just graduated I don’t have school to look forward to anymore & I just get to sit at home most of the time. The worst thing about lashing out, I know I shouldn’t.. but, I can’t stop it. I try not use what I suffer from as a crutch, but I know that’s what it is. Something has GOT to give at some point. I’m too afraid to go to the doctors, I hate them. I just don’t know anymore.

 

This is all I really have at this point. So, the rest is going to follow. Here’s my story…

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4 comments

to be or not to be 7/16/2013 - 7:10 am

hi, what you have described is something most people are going through on this site… i am somebody who feels just the same way…try not to sit at home doing nothing…. find a job or join a course…coz trust me this thing u r going through will only become worse and usually gets out of control… try not to push away the people you love… but then if they truly love you they will stick with u through entire fiasco… good luck … keep writing… it will definitely relieve you…

Depersonalization 7/27/2013 - 6:59 pm

I think I’ll take your advice & avoid sitting at home. Especially alone. I hate that feeling. I have an amazing fiance who stands by me no matter how annoying I might get with my constant fear. I even annoy myself. I agree, writing will definitely help out.

Tristeza 7/16/2013 - 10:32 am

You wrote: “I think that I always have a terminal illness or something that is going
to kill me at a young age, & I freak out easily.”
when i was 15 i felt like that too. Then 1 year later i started to feel a pelvic pain that no doctor could understand. Now here i am, 5 years later, suffering everyday with it.
Its like, i guess anxiety made me sick..
This is a beast we need to control, even if it looks impossible right now, because it can make this imaginary illness become real.

Depersonalization 7/27/2013 - 6:56 pm

It’s such a difficult obstacle that just randomly shows up one day. Calling it a “beast” describes it perfectly.

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