Opening up.

I had never heard of this sight until tonight. I saw a friend post about it on Facebook & instantly thought that it was a sign.

Let me just begin with a little bit about me. I am 18, I live in a town I hate, & I hate most people. I’ve never really blogged, but I’ve always wanted to. It really helps me to write & I need to have a way to calm myself down. I really don’t know how to explain myself because I don’t really know who I am anymore. I don’t want to hear that I’m too young & that I need to get over the “little” problems because I have been through more than an 18 year old should. In my posts I plan on telling you events that have happened to me in my life up until this point.

A reason I believe this was a sign is because lately I have been suffering some hardcore Anxiety, something that is quite recently new in my life. With this I am Bipolar & Manic Depressant, I get really low sometimes, I think that I always have a terminal illness or something that is going to kill me at a young age, & I freak out easily. I take a certain medicine for all of this combined, but due to turning 18 I lost my insurance & cannot afford the $390 price for it. So I officially have nothing keeping me stabilized at this point in my life. Since being off my medicine I have been going through a symptom that is associated with Anxiety & that is: Depersonalization. It’s where you can’t really comprehend real life, you are unable to perceive that you are you, these are your body parts. Reality is a dream & you’re truly not there. For example, I Look at my hands… they’re not my hands. Same with my legs. I literally feel like nothing but a pair of eyes. I don’t know any other way to explain it. It scares me to the point of panic. I have been so depressed lately & I’m being told by those close to me that it’s all made up for the pharmaceutical industry to get money. .this itself also brings me down.

I have never really truly thought about actually taking my life, just things like, “How would everyone feel? My family, friends, boyfriend, & even enemies.” Death is obviously something that scares me, but why did it suddenly hit me tonight that I have the power to end this, my life. I have the power to not feel this sadness, fear & pure hatred for who I am & everything wrong with me. I hate having to deal with this everyday, but I could never end my life. I just hate that I have to live this way. I HATE THIS FEAR. I get so moody & lash out on the ones I love, especially my parents & boyfriend. I know I am pushing them away & I don’t want that. I need ways to keep myself from this. I need something to get my life back on order. Being that I just graduated I don’t have school to look forward to anymore & I just get to sit at home most of the time. The worst thing about lashing out, I know I shouldn’t.. but, I can’t stop it. I try not use what I suffer from as a crutch, but I know that’s what it is. Something has GOT to give at some point. I’m too afraid to go to the doctors, I hate them. I just don’t know anymore.

This is all I really have at this point. So, the rest is going to follow. Here’s my story…