Omg, like I’m mad paranoid. I’m paranoid to even be writing this right now. I feel like everyone is against me. Like my life is the Truman Show. I struggle and misery is my best friend, it’s like after awhile you enjoy the pain. A sort of frenzy begins to happen. I’m just really in a dark place. I feel like music is talking to me and sending me subliminals from my boyfriend. This happened before with someone else I cared for. It’s like I’m getting all these subliminals and signs from everything. I’m always freaking out and no one knows. No one knows what I go through. My life is a complete horror movie. But why do we like the pain? Is it because we can really and deeply feel this pain? I don’t understand. But I haven’t really talked to my family today because I feel like their being sketchy. This doesn’t happen everyday but these feelings come and go. Sometimes I wanna run away from myself. I couldn’t even sleep last night. I been having these real and vivid dreams.. Maybe it’s from the seroquel? My dreams are more real than my reality. I’m even scared in my dreams. Is there a Heaven? Can God take this all away from all of us who are suffering?
The other day I decided to get high and I was buggin’ out. I felt like I was playing in a movie and had to make choices of how I wanted to live my life. Would it be having a kid with my boyfriend? Being stuck in front of the tv and Internet screens or playing videos? There was even a part where there was a whole section on the holy bible and God. I was completely buggin’ out and I thought I was gonna die. I thought weed would help my anxiety but it completely induced it more. ughhhhh. and then I felt like when I was in the car and listening to that song “I love it” by Icona Pop, that it was gonna be my death song. I truly felt like I was gonna crash my car into a bridge. Omg.
But yeah, I feel so alone. I can’t tell anyone cause I’m afraid there gonna know that I know they are being sketchy. I’m thinking of seeing another psychologist but I don’t know, I don’t trust it. I don’t trust anything.