This is why

I hate reading all these messages of optimism on these suicide sites. Especially when it’s in response to a teenager, “You have your whole life ahead of you!” Yeah right. If it’s anything like mine, you don’t want to live through it.

I’m 30, and I’ve wanted to die since I was 8. Too young? Not when you mother is psychologically abusive. I have a lifetime full of stories about her. The shortest example I can think of was when I was a teenager. I got my report card. It was 2 A’s, a B, and a C. She SCREAMED at me for over 2 hours. Why? Because I got a ‘C’. She cried. She threatened me. She grounded me. I said nothing. She just yelled and yelled. She is insane, and I hate her.

When I was around 14 I started to give suicide serious consideration. I saw a psychologist when I was around 11. I was prescribed Ritalin. I was supposed to get regular psychological assessments. My mom decided that, (and I quote) “Ritalin fixed you. You don’t need to go back to a psychologist.”

She also decided to cut me off from Ritalin during school breaks. I had really bad withdrawal symptoms. I would grind my teeth and roll back and forth on the floor. I was extremely irritable. Even the smallest things would send me into a rage. (But I never physically acted upon the rage, just a few angry statements here and there.) At the time, I had no idea why I felt the way I did. I know now. My body was detoxing and fighting the addiction.

My mother didn’t cut me any slack for it. None. She said I was “mean and hateful”. Why? Because I asked her to stop my sisters from hitting, scratching, or pushing me. I also asked her to stop them from banging on my bedroom door ALL DAY LONG. She refused to do anything about them. In fact, she seemed to encourage their behavior.

Let’s skip to my adult-life. About a month ago, I lost my 14th job. That makes 6 jobs in a row that I have been fired from. SIX! And these were all minimum-wage jobs. Why do I get fired all the time? It’s the same story at every place. A co-worker decides they don’t like me for some arbitrary reason. They then do everything possible to get me fired… and they are always successful.

People just don’t like me. I don’t know why. I fell into love a few times. (Exactly 3 times to be precise.) Each time was a disaster. My longest relationship was 1 year. I’ve never been married. I have no children. I’m pretty sure I never will.

Which brings me back to optimism. I have nothing to be optimistic about. I have nothing to care about. For a long time I tried to tell myself, “It will get better.” and it does… but it always goes back to being bad. I can’t pay my bills. My gas has already been shut-off. My electricity won’t be on for too much longer. The water won’t be far behind. It’s a miracle the internet is still on. There is no “bright side”. There is no “silver lining”. A bad life does not get better, it just gets worse over time.

My family… they don’t want to help me. They don’t care. I’m starving, and yet, they refuse to give me food or money. “Get a job,” they say. Kinda hard when you’ve been fired so many times. Each time I get fired it gets harder to find another job. They refuse to acknowledge the difficulty. They say I’m “just lazy” and “not trying hard enough”. The truth is that I don’t have a washing machine or gas in my car. There is no business within walking distance. I think my family enjoys watching me suffer. Why else would they let this go on?

So, that’s it! I’m sick of it. I’m tired of life. I hate… pretty much everyone. There is no love in my life. I don’t love anyone. No one loves me. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on… regardless. Starvation or suicide… not sure which will be worse.