What am i living for ?

Im 20 years old and I’ve had thoughts of suicide since i was 15 years old. I dont have a long drawn out sad story or history of abuse of any kind. I have a loving family & a boyfriend but i have never felt more alone. I often ask myself “How can you have so much but still feel like you have nothing ” . I have never figured out the answer. Im just so unhappy it almost scares me how many times I’ve actually sat in my bathroom , held pills , razors etc. and almost ended my life. Some part of me just wont let me give up , some part of me wants to live. And i feel like such a fucked up person because i dont even think about all the people i will hurt in the process i just think about the pain , loneliness & depression that i dont want to deal with anymore. What will my mom say ? How will my little sister feel ? What will my dad think ? All questions ive asked myself , i dont know the answers…and i dont care to find out anymore. i just know that im tired of waking up every morning wishing i hadn’t . Im tired of crying and no one caring to ask “Are you okay ?” or “whats wrong” and actually meaning it. One day its going to be too late to care about whats wrong with me..