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Do you care about how you look?

by cyanidesofmarch

You’d think someone who’s 1 bullet away from blasting his brains all over the wall wouldn’t be too concerned with the way he looks. But for some idiotic reason I am. I’m not even a good looking person. Well I used to be, but it’s amazing what 10 years of pure hell can do for your appearance.

So anyway I was just wondering what suicidal people think about the way they look and are perceived by society. I know I’m not the only one here who puts on a fake smile and pretends to be a normal member of society. Why do we give a damn how we look?

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C4 8/24/2013 - 1:36 pm

I think that the desire to look good is programmed into out DNA. Maybe it has something to do with attracting a mate and perpetuating the species. The factory settings are difficult (but not impossible) to reprogram.

Stendarr's ***** 8/24/2013 - 1:37 pm

I absolutely despise the way I look, it’s a large reason of why I hate myself along side many other significant aspects. Because of my distaste for myself I don’t usually care enough to make myself look presentable. I look about as feral and crazy as I am on the inside. It puts people off probably and gives them a reason to avoid me, which I don’t mind at all. Nobody wants to be around a person who doesn’t care about them self.

I remember someone else posted about what someone would wear for when they do the deed. I’m probably going to hang myself for lack of more decent methods, so I won’t wear anything special. It’s not like I want to be remembered for anything, and the people at the morgue aren’t going to give two shits.

clevername 8/24/2013 - 1:41 pm

I care about how i look, but how i feel takes precedence. I don’t mind sacrificing the visual appeal that others might perceive, if it results in making me feel better.

I was once told by an elderly gentleman: “if you look good, you’ll feel good!” or something like that.

I disagreed. He was referring to my beard growth not looking good /to him/, whereas my beard was being allowed to grow, because the alternative of the irritation caused by shaving, was not something that would make me feel “better,” and i doubt it would “look better,” than having a short beard that i actually prefer.

I think it’s the other way: if you feel better, you’ll look better.

Comfort over appearance.

C4 8/24/2013 - 1:42 pm

@ SB; It sort of bothers me to hear you say that. I’ve never understood how someone who’s good looking can look at themselves in the mirror and fail to see what everyone else sees. Idk. I guess it’s a matter of perspective. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right?

Duke of Marmalade 8/24/2013 - 1:46 pm

I look like the hunchback of notre dame, have no personality and limited intelligence. That’s how I’ll be perceived because that’s what they want to believe. I don’t always look at myself in that way. Let’s all play russian roulette.

Stendarr's ***** 8/24/2013 - 1:48 pm

@C4 It means a lot for you to say that. I don’t know, I can’t look at myself without seeing how much of a horrible person I am inside and out. I won’t go on a self pitying rant, you get what I’m saying. You know, I always thought Aye-Ayes were really cool but apparently everyone thinks they’re ugly. I guess it is all about perspective

PainNlife 8/24/2013 - 1:49 pm

I fucking obsess over how I look I agree with everything SB said because its exactly how I feel about my appearance…..you could be the smartest guy on earth if you looked like me there isn’t much hope as far as sexual prospects….The only reason I ever got laid was because I use to coax women into sex with money….not pay them but buy them things. I hate how I look with a passion….I am so fucking insecure about my appearance I hate when people look at me…I get all hot inside and my armpits start sweating because I know what they are thinking….I know they are judging my appearance and probably thanking whomever that they don’t look like me…..If anything suicide will be my key from this ball and chain of ugliness.

PainNlife 8/24/2013 - 1:50 pm

@duke I’ll play but only if the gun is fully loaded and I get to go first

C4 8/24/2013 - 1:51 pm

@ SB; I wasn’t trying to “butter you up”, just stating what’s obvious to me.
I guess nothing is real unless it’s real to you. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says unless you accept it as your own truth.

scarredkitty 8/24/2013 - 1:55 pm

I think I used to be fairly pretty, pretty enough. Was able to get boyfriends and stuff. But then acne hit, and hit hard. Now I’m pretty scarred and still get terrible acne. So I feel disfigured and that self-perception doesn’t really help. The fact is people do judge me harshly because I do look way different than everyone else. My parents minimize it, friends can’t tell me otherwise, they just say “try not to focus on it”. It’s pretty hard not to when every stranger you meet is automatically discounting you because of scars. So yeah, I definitely worry about how I look and idk if I’ll ever get past it. I’m not sure if depression and anxiety gave me acne or acne gave me them but it’s all kind of snow-balled and now I just have both and can’t deal with either. I wish I could rewind like 5 years and just look like that and have never gone through this. It’s hell.

Persephone 8/24/2013 - 2:04 pm

Depression has made me look frail and sickly, but I was never a stunner before that anyway. I have a rather singular appearance. And because of my lifelong sleeping troubles, I have permanent dark eyes. Oh well. I put on makeup and do my hair and wear decent clothing and hope for the best.

lorax 8/24/2013 - 2:10 pm

I don’t think about it very much unless someone else brings it up, then I usually humor them with whatever line of discourse they seem to be fishing for because, hey… I really don’t care, but that doesn’t mean other people don’t care. Honestly, I think all the priming and pruning and gussying up people do is an enormous waste of time better spent throwing things at strangers and pretending it wasn’t you.

clevername 8/24/2013 - 2:13 pm

“…better spent throwing things at strangers and pretending it wasn’t you.”

LOL!

I’ve done this a few times. I can confirm it is at least as fun as it sounds.

PainNlife 8/24/2013 - 2:16 pm

@clevername lol it is… until they catch you in the act and then…..you either haul ass or prepare for a fight

cyanidesofmarch 8/24/2013 - 2:19 pm

Wow reading these replies, it’s like every single one speaks my mind. Especially Duke’s russian roulette idea

“If you feel better you’ll look better”

Hell yes. It’s like the way rage or crying will make your face look awful, whereas happy expressions always make you look better. Not like we have much of a choice on how we feel. The worst is when you try to twist you natural look of anguish into a smile. I’m sure I look sickening when I do that.

Scarredkitty, I can totally relate. It sucks when you’re branded by the way you look. Starting a few years ago I just suddenly became scary looking. I don’t know why, but maybe it’s because of who I’ve become inside. As a result, I’m always the guy the cops tell to step out of the car even when I’ve done nothing wrong. I’m the guy who gets pulled aside in airport lines. I’m the guy who gets followed by store security. All because of the way I look.

I can’t change my face, so I try to compensate by being skinny (I figure skinny people are perceived as less of a threat). But what it all comes down to is: why bother.

cyanidesofmarch 8/24/2013 - 2:22 pm

@Persephone the dark circles from sleeplessness… Got em here too. Thank god for goths, I can actually fit in without any makeup :/

iamsara198 8/24/2013 - 2:31 pm

Lol it was because of the way i look that i came close to going and hanging myself from a tree. So yeah i care very much about the way i look. I obsessed about it all the time because i think i look like a monster. Lol sometimes people would tell me i was very pretty on the streets or ask me out and i would have a little break down because i felt like they were saying it because they felt sorry for me. So that would make me worse.
I actually havnt felt suicidal in a while tho probably a month and a half (the longest i have went without geting seriously depressed) and i know everyone is different but for me jogging up to 45 mins a day and exercising an hour a day is helping me very much with my depression and hating myself so much. But i can still get down a little at times.

lorax 8/24/2013 - 2:34 pm

I go out of my way to make myself unappealing – I suppose it’s an easy way to keep most people at bay. The ones who poke me with sticks and want to ask me stuff anyhow are keepers, unless they’re using a sharp stick. Then I have to gnaw their faces off.

Persephone 8/24/2013 - 2:34 pm

@cyanides I barely bother smiling anymore, it definitely looks more like a creepy grimace when I try.

Re: sleeplessness – All those teens who want to be vampires don’t understand what the real deal is, eh? Going for more than a day without sleep is not a barrel of fun.

cyanidesofmarch 8/24/2013 - 2:41 pm

Haha yeah, Twilight and sexy vampires who get all sparkly? pshhhhh

How about ugly bags under your eyes, your hair falling out in clumps, skin all blotchy, bloodshot eyes (and I’m not talking about cool red contact lenses either) and a very unflattering hunched-over posture from being exhausted. THAT’s what it’s like to be a “creature of the night”

cyanidesofmarch 8/24/2013 - 2:43 pm

I like lorax’s strategy. If you gnaw their faces off then we’re all hideous. No more judgment

clevername 8/24/2013 - 2:44 pm

Let’s re-interpret the title:

“Do you care about how you look?”

Could be:

“Do you care about how you view yourself and the world? (“look”)”

Consider the origins and nature of your perspective. Analyze the methods and events that characterize your own perception.

Ask yourself whether you’re really seeing what is real and actual, or if maybe your mind or vision or past experiences are putting a “spin” on it.

There is more than meets the eye, to what meets the eye.

PainNlife 8/24/2013 - 2:56 pm

Yeah I thought It was “all in my head” until every time I had a disagreement with somebody the first thing they would do is point out my flaws and humiliate me in front of everybody….even If I was right all they had to do is draw attention to my flaws and they automatically won because I would shut the fuck up. So apparently everybody sees what I see when I look in the mirror….some may have perceived flaws but mines are real…I didn’t get them over time I had these particular flaws since birth….I hate sticking out like a sore thumb I wish I did look “normal”….I have that…”look twice ugly” the type you have to look at make sure what you saw was real

lorax 8/24/2013 - 2:59 pm

What about those things that don’t meet the eye? I have this pernicious habit of not showing any interest in people until I’ve gotten to know them pretty well (in person). You’d be amazed how many girls assume what that means is, “I think you’re ugly,” or, “I’m secretly gay an you lack the plumbing to stir my hormones into a tizzy…” But really, what it means is, “I’m waiting to get to know you before I come to any kind of conclusion about whether I like you or not.”

It’s like I’m some sort of space alien. O.o But that’s an indication of what I care about in others – for myself, I am what I am. People sometimes douse me with fire extinguishers when I engage them in conversation.

clevername 8/24/2013 - 3:04 pm

I’m not suggesting it’s “all in your head,” just that part of it is. And it might be the less significant part. But the difference is that you have looked more closely as your own appearance then anyone else has, and so sometimes it helps to consider the difference between “first glance,” “double-take,” and “looking closely,” as well as the fact that some people are just lucky to be better-looking than others, while others are unlucky to be less visually appealing. Perception is a relevant part of the equation, and not just yours. Some people might just be “overly-averse” to non-standard appearances. I can’t count the number of times i’ve witnessed people exclaim that someone is unattractive, only to look for myself and completely disagree. Different people find different aspects “attractive,” as well as having different thresholds of what they consider “unattractive.”

The more options someone has, the more selective they will likely be. Those with fewer options will be more likely to have a better appreciation for a wider range of variance, and will likely be less averse to uncommonly unappealing variation.

It’s not usually “all in your head,” but sometimes, it might be all in /theirs/.

Eye of the beholder. ^^

lorax 8/24/2013 - 3:18 pm

I think human beings are like sculptures that haven’t been made yet – what I mean is that each form is specific to each individual. They are that, and that is like a work of art. It could be, anyhow. Do you like the slim, brunet, hour glass figure? The plump-but-not-overweight, short, redheads? We can categorize them by similarity of traits, but really, each person is who they are. If I like someone, I actually tend to find them more attractive the more I get to know them. Which seems odd to me because I thought physical attraction was supposed to work the other way around – first sight being the most impacting, while each following glance reveals that the first glance missed a whole bunch of stuff (for better or worse).

But… girl says I look good before I’ve got to know her very well? Holy hell. Obviously wrong type, or something. I’m not good looking in the popular sense – I’m me, and I’m not even sure how to quantify that. Like I said – I prefer being unappealing. It’s liberating in so many ways. Also, I appear to be rambling/ranting, which is probably a product of sleep deprivation – apologies if I’ve hijacked the thread. Haha… yeah, I need some coffee.

PainNlife 8/24/2013 - 3:24 pm

Maybe I wouldn’t care if I were just plain unattractive….but the flaws in my appearance aren’t normal….I am the only person I have ever seen with these unique features….I’m sure there could be others but as far as I’ve seen I’m the only one and I fucking HATE standing out for these reasons….I can remember being a young child….probably 4 or 5 and adults would even comment and make fun of them….I remember telling my mom what the kids at school use to say and all she would do was tell me that I was just obsessing over nothing and that I didn’t have those flaws that others seemed to so easily spot and draw even more attention to…. I remember skipping school some days just because I didn’t feel like being ridiculed that day….Its amazing I made it through HS

scarredkitty 8/24/2013 - 3:58 pm

@PainNlife I feel like parents will tell you anything just to shut you up or delude you about your appearance. I think they really mean well most of the time and don’t want you to feel bad about yourself. But it isn’t really helpful. If you don’t mind my asking, what do you see as flaws in yourself?

On another note, I think I had BDD before and I found myself to be hideous when other people thought I was alright enough. And because I gave myself hell I actually began to look like hell. It’s kind of the whole “you look how you feel” thing…how I felt began to reflect on my appearance to a grotesque point.

I wish so badly I could be one of those people that just didn’t care. There are good-looking, and not-so-great-looking people that fall into this category where they just don’t seem as concerned. Maybe they are and just put up a great farce, but I think you can generally tell, and I think those people really don’t care all too much at all. So. jealous.

Roak 8/24/2013 - 4:12 pm

I don’t put in much effort towards my appearance.. There’s always a basic amount of buffing and shining i do to keep myself from looking sloppy but I don’t own any cologne or have any fashionable clothing.

logically i know i probably look average and with the variety of tastes.. there are people who would be attracted to me. However, my mind tries to protect me from emotional pain by telling myself i’m unappealing in every way.

I guess i make the basic effort to keep myself from looking unusually unmaintained. Work requires that i fit some basic criteria.. pants.etc.. But i guess there’s still that thin glimmer of hope. When i’m trying to decide what clothing to wear in the morning and stabbing blindly at making myself somewhat appealing.

I think i appeal more to men than to women.

PainNlife 8/24/2013 - 4:24 pm

Well…. for one I have had a bad receding hairline since birth ….my hair is very thin around my hairline and in the back of my head…..I have a weird shaped head its flat in the back with this stupid ugly lump right above my neck like my head has a tail stub …I have a very huge round forehead that makes my hairline look even worse than it already is. I remember getting my hair cut at the barber and being completely fucking embarrassed when he asked me what’s wrong with my hair because the difference in thickness. ….every time I speak to somebody they can’t help but to look at my head an I know instantly what they are thinking the eyes tell it all……It probably doesn’t sound as bad as you think but boy if you were in these shoes you would feel the same way….. I wish I didn’t care as much as I do but I can’t….. even when I try not to care I get this hot feeling and start to sweat out my skin if strangers look at me. ….I’ve tried ….literally every hairstyle and hair product and nothing works…

RealTalk30 8/24/2013 - 4:35 pm

I hate when people make comments like that, especially when they are suppose to help you, like getting a hair cut. Or like when I was getting tattoed one time on my elbow, the artist points and says.. “What the hell is this?” It was the bone sticking out from my elbow, I instantly felt insecure like he didn’t want to tattoo me..and when your sitting for hours and days on end with the person tattoing you it’s not comfortable knowing they are judging your features or that they think you’re weird.

I’ve had insecurities with my nose, my hight, my bonyness, and the back of my head is weak looking and comes to a point kinda…I have a small head I think. Hats look horrible on me most times.

I think my skin and my d**k are the only things I’ve been blessed with! lol but even ugly people can have great skin and …well..the other! lol

scarredkitty 8/24/2013 - 4:35 pm

@PainNlife Don’t worry, I would never minimize the way someone feels about their looks. It’s hard to get an image but I trust that if you feel so terribly about it, there’s something there that maybe isn’t like everyone else. Have you ever suspected you have BDD? I definitely have in the past. I can’t really offer you too much hope for you situation, just as there’s not much hope for mine. Acne scar treatments are limited and they can’t really get rid of them, only “minimize” but mine are all over my face and I literally have more scarring than face at this point..it’s rather depressing and hopeless. But there’s a chance if I live life as reclusively as possible and just try and do things that I enjoy, I’ll be able to get by. Maybe. I’m still doubtful. But I hope we can both come to accept our appearances although at this point I guess it’s pretty hopeless for both of us. I keep thinking, if I could accept it, I would have already. But I keep coming back here, so life must not be worth it.

RealTalk30 8/24/2013 - 4:38 pm

Oh and my hair has been thin my whole life too.. I’ve recently gotten over it but I still shave my head anyways.

lorax 8/24/2013 - 4:42 pm

I’ve got a number of broken teetn due to no dental insurance for a really long time (number of years). That’s about the only physical feature I get a little bent out of shape about, but mainly because people have this knee-jerk judgmental reaction when they notice you have bad teeth – you’re automatically less human or something, and you must have awful hygiene (even if you have excellent hygiene and just happen to have bad genes and a crappy set of circumstances). I’ve never been much of a believer in the idea that you can tell a lot about someone by how they look, but that’s probably because I make a point to challenge presumptuous notions about appearance a lot. I’m stubborn and rebellious when I get worked up about something, and appearance has always been one of my pet-peeves.

PainNlife 8/24/2013 - 4:50 pm

You could chalk it up to “genes” but…..none of my brothers or sisters have any of the problems I have. ….They all have nice shaped heads with nice even manly hairlines and proportionate forehead sizes…. I don’t hate them for it but I mean what the fuck did I do to deserve this bullshit. I can accept being unattractive I guess but I stand out because I look weird. I hate mirrors even my reflection hates the person staring back at it. I really do think I have BDD because I damn sure have all the symptoms… I don’t care about being diagnosed because there isn’t a reason to. It is highly unlikely I will back out of my plan…. I fucking hate being the one that gets the finger pointed at. I don’t even go in barbershops any more I feel so fucking embarrassed especially when they are full of people and around here they don’t care they will make jokes in a minute in your face.

iamsara198 8/24/2013 - 5:05 pm

-painNlifeI am wondering if you have body dismorphic disorder because for me it started out with one thing i didnt like about myself (mouth) and without treatment it went to my eyes looking strange and deformed, my skin doesnt look human like to me anymore, I fear my hair is falling out(but noone else can see it) my nose looks deformed to me now and my finger nails and toe nails look deformed, nothing on my body looks normal to me anymore and i look like the most hideous person in the world.
For along time i would only go out at near dark or early morning so noone would see me. So started out with one thing for me and eventually after years ended up with nothing on my body looking normal. The things your saying about yourself ..you remind me of me and i was diagnosed with body dismorphic disorder and the way there are so many things that i hate about myself just like you

PainNlife 8/24/2013 - 5:17 pm

@Sara198 I use to have a cousin that lived with me and I remember being so…..fucking…..jealous and envious of him all because he was normal. I literally hated his guts because he could care less about his appearance….I mean this guy would wake up take a shower and leave the house….I doubt he checked the mirror and he was so confident and secure in his skin…. he is attractive (based on the caliber of girlfriends that he had)…and I remember not knowing why I felt so much hatred towards him….up until a few years ago I still didn’t identify the reason but in retrospect I figured it out…. I hate myself even more for feeling that way and some of the things I did to him I regret and still feel shame and embarrassment for.

I only go out late night or early morning….and only to mow the grass or take out the trash you can’t pay me to go out in broad daylight. I don’t tell others about my feelings about myself because I know they will say some bullshit like “its not that bad” or think I’m being hard on myself when I’m not because everybody notices the same shit I do so I guess everybody must be being hard on me if that’s the case
I wish I were invisible. I really do hate when I have to be face to face with people….I don’t even like my mother to look at me I still get the same feelings and start sweating…

iamsara198 8/24/2013 - 5:34 pm

I always felt like the ugly duckling in my family to , just like you..an i do compare myself to others and feel worse. I was in theraphy but only went two times because i just could not concentrate on a dang thing he said except for a couple things so was no use going an so i prob will have this an feel like this the rest of my life. Im not expert but things you are saying make me thing you do have body dismorphic disorder in which little things look huge. I felt like this huge ugly freak in public an so i just didnt want to be seen. Thinking others are probably thinking about how im such an ugly freak. Only thing that is helping me thru this an not geting severly depressed latley is working out a lot so that i can try to have at least one thing i like about myself and even tht is hard when i seriously dont know what my body really looks like. As crazy as that sounds i do wish i could talk to other people with this disorder to see what they do to get thru it.

PainNlife 8/24/2013 - 5:54 pm

At this point I don’t even care anymore….Its so frustrating and tiring to constantly think about it I just avoid all social contact to avoid any thoughts about it…..If my parents had a bunch of money I would have went under the knife during middle school….Middle school was the fucking worst those kids were relentless man…. I use to hate bringing any attention to myself if I could avoid it….some of the comments and jokes just made you feel like a fucking freak….and I hated getting into arguments because everybody had a damn card they knew they could use if it seemed I was getting the upper hand…. I am the only one with these particular defects in my family none of the other males look like me…. Its even worse that most of them are considered “attractive” so you can imagine how I felt at family gatherings…..like I was fucking adopted

Persephone 8/24/2013 - 6:02 pm

@scarredkitty You can wear foundation and powder, that should work to cover any acne scars or bad skin.

iamsara198 8/24/2013 - 6:24 pm

Ya if i were rich i doubt there would be much left of me i wouldl have had everything changed,,the therapist did say something to me tho .. trying to explain things to me..(this will never apply to me i just would never see it to believe it) he said have you ever met anyone that was depressed about the way they looked and thought they were ugly but they were actually cute..and that did hit me that yes in every single case of depressed people i have met (over their looks) they were actually the most attractive people out there.

PainNlife 8/24/2013 - 6:36 pm

Well that certainly doesn’t apply to me. I do know there are some people who are gorgeous but consider themselves ugly. Usually those are women… most men know when they are attractive or unattractive.

Persephone 8/24/2013 - 6:43 pm

@PainNlife I’ve come across men who thought they were unattractive, but I didn’t think so, so distorted perception can apply to anyone.

PainNlife 8/24/2013 - 6:56 pm

@ Persephone I will email you two photos of me….and you can give the honest truth….it won’t hurt my feelings any but I assure you there is no distortion here

clevername 8/24/2013 - 6:59 pm

This reminds me of a PSA i saw on youtube a couple times, where women were asked to describe themselves, and then have someone else describe them (separately), and a sketch artist drew an image of each description…

Anyone wanna guess what happened?

C4 8/24/2013 - 7:01 pm

People often over estimate their looks/intelligence/appeal.

iamsara198 8/24/2013 - 7:08 pm

even tho i met some girls who thing they are ugly but were really attractive the majority of the people i met who tought they were ugly but were actually very very very attractive were mainly men.

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