There’s not a moment where I think about killing myself/committing suicide. I’ve already tried twice, but I couldn’t do it. I tried to drown myself in the tub. The water was just about up to where my head was at. I put my face/wash towel over my face so I couldn’t breath at all. Then I laid back in the water. I started thinking what if I really did just kill myself right here and now? Would anyone care? I’d finally be free of pain and torment. I doubt I’m going to heaven, if it’s even real. I’m an atheist. Just as I was about to pass out I got out the tub, dried off and then went to my room and locked the door. I had a really bad breakdown. That was just not to long ago actually : / The urge is getting harder, tho I don’t want to commit suicide I’m constantly thinking about it. I just wanna die. I feel as if death is the door to a new beginning. I don’t think I deserve to even live. I’m lazy, don’t do any sports. I don’t like people, or really find joy in anything. I have friends but we barely talk. I don’t even want friends anymore. I just want to be left alone by everyone. No one has ever really bullied or picked on me. I’m not fat, or some “nerdy loser” Im not ugly lol. I just.. I don’t know actually. School starts soon too. I fucking hate school and especially cause I go to a catholic school. It’s so awkward and weird for me having to pray, and kneel and all that bs. My whole family and almost all of my friends are Christians. Im an atheist, and a third eye enthusiast. If my mom knew she’d probably force me to get baptized and try to exorcise me. She always finds a way to bring god into every fucking single conversation. I really don’t wanna hear any of it.
Ik this is already long enough but there’s more.
So I’m severely depressed, I’ve been depressed for 3 years now. I tried telling my mom and all she said was pray and get over it. I told her some serious deep shit, more than just being depressed. I hate telling people about my problems and all she fucking suggests is praying?! I wanted to kill the ***** right there. I fucking hate her. She walks around the house all day pretty much making sure everything is in place and that my room is clean. She never cleans her damn room. There’s clothes every where and mail in her room. She also walks around singing and humming these annoying ass gay songs that nooo one likes. She doesn’t even know the lyrics so she just hums the beat and sings like the first two or three words over and over. Sometimes she does that for hours. Even my dad can’t stand it, then she just says the fucking stupidest things. When we were in Hawaii last month she said kids ( me and my big sister) you need to respect the water. How the fuck do you respect water?!? We were playing in the water not dumping oil and shit in it. Then she kept taking photos of us every five minutes. And saying one day you’ll look back and remember this from one of these pictures. The vacation sucked ass cause her and my dad wouldn’t let us do any of the fun shit we wanted too. Then they’re always so cheap, I understand the cost of things, house and mortgage bills and gas prices. But we’re not fucking poor, she tries to keep us in the same clothes and shoes for years. She acts like she can’t take me to the mall every few months just to get some new clothes or shoes. The shoes don’t have to be $500.
She always lies to me and my sister. She says she’s busy but then all she does is stay home all day and watch tv. I’m not exaggerating. And play this stupid computer game she’s obsessed with called chuzzle. My best friend got so pissed at her once and didn’t wanna come over for awhile. She didn’t know of course. But for weeks she has been saying that he could spend the night, so finally one day we go pick him up. He stays for like the whole day. Then around night time she’s like umm Donnell I’m about to go drop you off, I’m busy. Then I’m like but… You said he could spend the night. She’s like yea another time. When we get back home I’m pissed too, then she starts watching The Walking Dead. She’s so caught up in the old ways. She won’t even let me or my 16 year old sister have cellphones. My sister is constantly getting into it with her because she’s fucking dumb. On her so called sweet 16, my dad gave her like $100. I have her $20 something. My mom gave her nothing and forgot to pick up the cake. She didn’t even make an effort to get her a birthday card or go get the cake. Some sweet 16, yea 100 dollars.. Woo. She already had some extra money too. Anyway my mom lied like always and said she would give Sarah some money. 2 weeks later… No money. We went to the mall and my sister bought so much stuff., well clothes. The whole time my mom was like no you can’t wear this or that or that. And you need to stop trying to look sexy for these boys. Wtf?!? She’s not even interested in any of these dirty ass boys out here. She’s just getting clothes she likes. My mom sure does talk alot, alot of her clothes show skin and are too small. She always wears tight jeans that show her old crusty ass. And shorts that barely come past her waist. Sometimes these long ugly Bermuda shorts. Then her hair is fucking dyed like dark red or something idk. It’s ugly as fuck. It looks like a fucking field of bird feathers tf. If you say anything about her being annoying and asking her to stop she just gets louder and ignores you. All she does is yell and talk about Jesus and saving. ***** needs some saving. Even my grandma is cooler than her. She never let’s us go anywhere. When we actually have plans and have talked to her about it, she always ends up changing her mind. Then I have to text friends back like hey sorry, can’t make it/come. Then the fact that I have an iPod 4… I’m thankful that at least I have a Mobil device.. Kinda. But do you know how embarrassing it is to say hey I won’t be on for awhile.. My mom is taking my fucking IPOD?! I’m not spoiled at all but really. I know there are kids who don’t have parents at all or iPods. Or shoes or clothes. But I’m not those kids. Then my dad.. That’s a whole nother book. Anyway my mom is a total *****. She’s shown me everything not to be as a parent, so has my dad. I hate him too. Infact I hate everyone in my family, I can’t stand any of them. Especially my parents. How they even met is one of the gayest, faggiest things ever. Oh yea..
My mom seems to think I’m more focused on shoes than school. Well I am no shit, I hate school and she knows that. But umm try having to wear the same outfits all the time. I have 20 something’s shirts ok? Most of them are ones that I can’t wear out or long sleeve. I have abunch of jackets. I’m not tripping on that. On pants/jeans/shorts… Ehh it’s ok. I have like 5 pairs of shorts I think. I have enough stuff to wear for like 2 weeks. At the end of 2 weeks I’m stuck having to wear oversized and small shirts I found in the back of my drawers. And some small jeans or shorts. I’ve told her this many times… She never listens. She took me shopping yesterday. Umm I got a pair of shoes (Jordan’s) a Levi’s varsity jacket. Jeans and camo pants. And one of those faded blue denim shirts. I’m not complaining and I thanked her. But she was acting like that was so uncalled for and I do have things to wear.