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Fooling others but you can’t fool yourself

by cyanidesofmarch

Driving home last night from a casual party with old friends, I had to laugh. What would they say if they found out that I, the charming, funny, positive guy who was so full of life, slammed his car into a bridge overpass at 82 mph because he couldn’t take the pain of life a minute longer?

In the car at 3 am with no other soul as far as I could see, I shouted as loud as I can, until my voice blew out and there was just a dry rasp left in my throat. It didnt do a damn of good. I pounded the steering wheel so hard I wondered if tge airbag would pop out. Again, another pointless exercise.

And then I got to the toll booth where I suddenly became that fake person again under the bright sodium lights, smiling and telling the toll taker “Thanks, have a great night!”

Then driving off into my personal darkness, wondering how fast I would have to be going to ensure a suicide success.

I will do it. May I rot in hell until I do.

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8 comments

RealTalk30 8/29/2013 - 10:11 am

I’ve gone through these same motions more times than I care to remember. I still go through them so there is no need for reminding. but it helps me sometimes..a bit.
I’m sorry you are hurting.

xXFrejaShinePawsXx 8/29/2013 - 11:03 am

I’ve learned the hard way, to shut my mouth and smile…was it nice to let something out?

Persephone 8/29/2013 - 11:14 am

This is why I avoid everyone.

okdarrell 8/29/2013 - 12:19 pm

too real bro

cyanidesofmarch 8/29/2013 - 11:19 pm

Thanks gang. I figured I wasn’t the only one :/

Persephone, you got the right idea. If I could avoid everyone, life would suck a lot less.

I hate that I can’t control it, the fakeness. Like it’s been beaten into my head for so long I can’t be any other way.

imonlyaman 8/29/2013 - 11:23 pm

cant tell you the amount of times i’ve done this. my steering wheel should be as broken as my life by now…

Persephone 8/30/2013 - 12:23 am

I don’t know, I think that if I were around people I liked and who understood, like you guys, that I could actually enjoy it. Whereas if you’re with people who never thought about depression for a day in their lives, or at least never let on that they did… You have to present a certain image if you wish to remain in the proper social standing, and it becomes so taxing. I couldn’t do it anymore which is why I disappeared from my social crowd. No one really came looking for me, so whatever.

Nonetheless, it saddens me that you feel this way and that you want so desperately to end it, even though I understand where you’re coming from, of course. Anyway, hang in there, man, and if you ever want someone to talk to, send me an email. ( solarstarz @ outlook . com, no spaces)

Renato Sch 8/30/2013 - 9:50 am

Persephone realy nice what you just wrote!

At this point below it is need to be carefull because as soon we got there 100% it seems to be for good…. because it´s to hard get someone to help us from there.

I did not choose this path but i´m there anyway and after quit my job 2 years ago…no one come to help ( truth i did not ask for even because it´s waste of time )… hard times dude…so be sure to do not get envolve in any situations that make you need help ok!

Best Regards

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