Fucked up.

The title sums this up very well “Fucked UP” that is how I see my self and how my family and others view me a lot of the time, but we will get to that later. So im new to the site and just out of luck today before I made my final choice I decided to post a small post on here. For both advice and to see what others think. Im a 17 year old male who is: failing school (for two main reasons: one im lazy and two I view myself as stupid or dumb) I also have no job, no car, no money, and no family that truly cares. Now most of you might think  “Oh typical teen my parents don’t care blah blah blah” but I speak truthfully about this I have sought help in the past and a mental hospital for suicidal thoughts and actions but the next day before I even got to see a doctor (I was admitted at night with no “specialist on duty”) my grandparents pulled me out of the hospital saying oh this is him throwing a fit and the hospital let me out with out even speaking to me. Another example of this would be another family member when they heard I was depressed told me “if you ever kill yourself do it in the tub so no one has a hard time cleaning up another one of your fuck ups. These both happened around age 8-9. I don’t share my thoughts or even talk to many people for fear of then hating me or realizing hey this kids a fuck up. It’s honestly been driven into my head that im a failure that im useless, I have even gained small voices in my head that constantly remind me of this fact. I moved recently with the same grandparents that denied me the help at the hospital to a area in Florida where I meant my now girlfriend of 2 years and she has stuck by me through all my breakdowns all my crying everything she try’s to hold me high but my depression is just growing more and more and I don’t know if her or I can handle it anymore I hate being a bother to her and I wish I was not but I can’t stop being a bother without ending it and erasing my existence. im tired of hiding behind I fake smile, im tired of hiding everything I just want to end it and stop being a bother.

P.S. Im truly sorry for any mistakes in spelling or grammar i used a spell check but i probably fucked that up.