I don’t know if anyone wants to know a little more of my past, it’s kind of like a horrible fan Fic I’ve been living in. I’ll give you some fun facts:
I am a cutter. I
I am overweight. (One of the reasons I was/am bullied. Probably the only reason)
A lot of my best/mutual friends have left me. It has been by other people’s hands.
My mom used to drink heavily and she had high dosage pain pills so the combination made my worst nightmare. She was and is (even though she stopped drinking) a horrible mother. She’s very abusive, verbally, emotionally and physically.
I’m pretty sure, though I’m not certain, I was sexually abused as a kid. Like 3 or so. I don’t know. But I’m guessing its my dad. I just, the vibes I get from him are not like a father would give his daughter and I have memory problems. A lot of them. I know this is a lot to assume and if you’ve ever been sexually abused I don’t mean to offend and if you can help I’d appreciate it. But I think he abused me and hit me in the head. Or just in general I was hit in the head. I can’t remember anything and my memory is very bad. Idk
I’ve never told anyone ^^^ about that. I’m too scarred. My mom would brush it off. I’ve brought it up but she laughs at me…
My dad is a verbal and emotional abuser. He can get physical and he’s 5’10” and 330 lbs. I’m a couple inches shorter. I’ll give a couple of examples:
He twisted my hair around his hand and pulled up. I have lost a lot of hair from that and I’m pretty sure that left some damage. And after he took my only possession, my iPad, and smashed it to the ground and it was carpet. It broke and he bought me a knew one. I think he thought it meant a truce but I never trust him.
He’s done the same hair pulling to my sister.
He’s hit and got into my mom’s face before.
We are a loud family. Probably everyone on the block knows all of our problems. I try not to be loud but I have a hearing problem. So yeah.
My sister is also emotionally and verbally abusive. She may be a couple pounds less and a couple inches shorter and 2 years younger but she is absolutely ruthless. She’s said a lot of shit to me that I can’t get out of my head. And she’s brought over my neighbor’s brother to help on the abuse. They say horrible things that just trigger me.
I’ve lost a lot of friends and relatives. I have a lot of deaths in my family and my grandma is currently dying of bladder cancer.
When my grandpa from my other side (my dad’s side) was dying of health and old age my mom had said several times to me, and she even told my sister in confidence; which resulted in her throwing it in my face as well, that I have no heart. That I don’t care about anyone. That I didn’t care about him. That was probably the worst emotionally scarring I’ve had in my life.
I brought it up to her and she denies it. She denies a lot of things she’s done to me. Just because there were no witnesses doesn’t mean it never happened.
Last year, I really wanted to audition for X Factor, well this years X Factor really. But like in December I was talking about it. My mom agreed but changed her mind straight after, she does that a lot, she told me I was undertrained and I was too young. Might I add Carly Rose Sonenclar almost won and she was my age.
She told me I MIGHT have a chance if I did a performance. I auditioned for my school’s talent show and got in. I sang Love Song by Sara Barellies. Afterwards everyone told me I was good and I had a bit of confidence, for the first time ever.
My mom was showering me with compliments and we talked to some friends, as I got into the car I asked her about X Factor. “Now can I go, you said maybe.” She looked at me like I was crazy.
She said “Honey that was a nice performance but in the second verse your voice was off by a few octives (or something like that). You’re not ready. You’re too young.” I started to cry and she told me maybe next year we can get a singing coach (I have yet to get one).
It was in the car. She denies it to this day that she ever said that. She got mad AT ME “for even accusing her of such a thing.” My friends heard her as we were in the car…I told her that and she told me I was lying.
I, as soon as I was told I couldn’t do X Factor my world was broken. It was the only thing I was living for. I hid in the garage balling and contemplating life and death and even grabbed a knife and took it in the bathroom to stab myself with.
I was crying and it kinda echoed. I swear I heard my mom say “Is she still crying?”
That’s just some of the shit I’ve been through.
And now I just want to overdose and die. I don’t want to live at all. :/ I have nothing to live for. I’ve always pondered my future but what is it? I recently wanted to work at my favorite shop, Hot Topic and I can check if I’m allowed to work there, I have all the requirements. But it’s a 20 mile drive. And I really want this job. Ugh I need a permit.
That’s the only thing I’m living for. Maybe if I kill myself at like 16 in the car, like running into a tree or something, I don’t know.
I guess I’m asking for advice. And any comments. I have a fucked up life…I know that. Hopefully at my new high school someone can relate. But a that’d be horrible. Because I’m in a horrible position. I wouldn’t want anyone to go through the same things as me….