I don’t know if anyone wants to know a little more of my past, it’s kind of like a horrible fan Fic I’ve been living in. I’ll give you some fun facts:
I am a cutter. I
I am overweight. (One of the reasons I was/am bullied. Probably the only reason)
A lot of my best/mutual friends have left me. It has been by other people’s hands.
My mom used to drink heavily and she had high dosage pain pills so the combination made my worst nightmare. She was and is (even though she stopped drinking) a horrible mother. She’s very abusive, verbally, emotionally and physically.
I’m pretty sure, though I’m not certain, I was sexually abused as a kid. Like 3 or so. I don’t know. But I’m guessing its my dad. I just, the vibes I get from him are not like a father would give his daughter and I have memory problems. A lot of them. I know this is a lot to assume and if you’ve ever been sexually abused I don’t mean to offend and if you can help I’d appreciate it. But I think he abused me and hit me in the head. Or just in general I was hit in the head. I can’t remember anything and my memory is very bad. Idk
I’ve never told anyone ^^^ about that. I’m too scarred. My mom would brush it off. I’ve brought it up but she laughs at me…
My dad is a verbal and emotional abuser. He can get physical and he’s 5’10” and 330 lbs. I’m a couple inches shorter. I’ll give a couple of examples:
He twisted my hair around his hand and pulled up. I have lost a lot of hair from that and I’m pretty sure that left some damage. And after he took my only possession, my iPad, and smashed it to the ground and it was carpet. It broke and he bought me a knew one. I think he thought it meant a truce but I never trust him.
He’s done the same hair pulling to my sister.
He’s hit and got into my mom’s face before.
We are a loud family. Probably everyone on the block knows all of our problems. I try not to be loud but I have a hearing problem. So yeah.
My sister is also emotionally and verbally abusive. She may be a couple pounds less and a couple inches shorter and 2 years younger but she is absolutely ruthless. She’s said a lot of shit to me that I can’t get out of my head. And she’s brought over my neighbor’s brother to help on the abuse. They say horrible things that just trigger me.
I’ve lost a lot of friends and relatives. I have a lot of deaths in my family and my grandma is currently dying of bladder cancer.
When my grandpa from my other side (my dad’s side) was dying of health and old age my mom had said several times to me, and she even told my sister in confidence; which resulted in her throwing it in my face as well, that I have no heart. That I don’t care about anyone. That I didn’t care about him. That was probably the worst emotionally scarring I’ve had in my life.
I brought it up to her and she denies it. She denies a lot of things she’s done to me. Just because there were no witnesses doesn’t mean it never happened.
Last year, I really wanted to audition for X Factor, well this years X Factor really. But like in December I was talking about it. My mom agreed but changed her mind straight after, she does that a lot, she told me I was undertrained and I was too young. Might I add Carly Rose Sonenclar almost won and she was my age.
She told me I MIGHT have a chance if I did a performance. I auditioned for my school’s talent show and got in. I sang Love Song by Sara Barellies. Afterwards everyone told me I was good and I had a bit of confidence, for the first time ever.
My mom was showering me with compliments and we talked to some friends, as I got into the car I asked her about X Factor. “Now can I go, you said maybe.” She looked at me like I was crazy.
She said “Honey that was a nice performance but in the second verse your voice was off by a few octives (or something like that). You’re not ready. You’re too young.” I started to cry and she told me maybe next year we can get a singing coach (I have yet to get one).
It was in the car. She denies it to this day that she ever said that. She got mad AT ME “for even accusing her of such a thing.” My friends heard her as we were in the car…I told her that and she told me I was lying.
I, as soon as I was told I couldn’t do X Factor my world was broken. It was the only thing I was living for. I hid in the garage balling and contemplating life and death and even grabbed a knife and took it in the bathroom to stab myself with.
I was crying and it kinda echoed. I swear I heard my mom say “Is she still crying?”
That’s just some of the shit I’ve been through.
And now I just want to overdose and die. I don’t want to live at all. :/ I have nothing to live for. I’ve always pondered my future but what is it? I recently wanted to work at my favorite shop, Hot Topic and I can check if I’m allowed to work there, I have all the requirements. But it’s a 20 mile drive. And I really want this job. Ugh I need a permit.
That’s the only thing I’m living for. Maybe if I kill myself at like 16 in the car, like running into a tree or something, I don’t know.
I guess I’m asking for advice. And any comments. I have a fucked up life…I know that. Hopefully at my new high school someone can relate. But a that’d be horrible. Because I’m in a horrible position. I wouldn’t want anyone to go through the same things as me….
9 comments
You write well for your age.
Don’t worry, you have a lot to live for. Give yourself some time. I know it sucks to have goals and dreams crushed by parents, but you have plenty of time to develop new ones. Perhaps you can persuade your mom to get a vocal coach for you for this school year, and then you can audition for X-Factor when your coach thinks you’re ready. Your mom probably just doesn’t want to see you get hurt. A lot of people are rejected, and sometimes a bit of training is necessary if you want to have a chance on a show like that.
Hang in there. High school is tough but things will be much different in a few years. When you’re of legal age you can live on your own and do whatever you want. Trust me, you don’t want to die before knowing the good things. And you can have plenty of fun in high school, too. Maybe you could join a choir, since you like to sing. Or musical theatre, if that interests you. There is so much for you to learn and know. Be strong and don’t let your parents get to you. Some people take out their own internal anger and frustration upon their children, and the only thing one can do is try to stay out of their way. If you occupy yourself with enough, you can keep yourself from feeling too stressed about what happens at home.
Just remember – whatever happens, it’s not the end. It’s always possible to go on. Feelings will fade, and situations will resolve themselves. There will always be new dreams you can create and strive towards.
You’re so reassuring. I appreciate it. And I don’t plan on going on X Factor…ever. My parents always complain about money so, in other words, no coach. And thanks. I love to write. 🙂 I’ll try to survive. It’s so hard though.
You remind me of my sister who’s your age. She also loves to sing and write. Life isn’t so great for her either at the moment, but I just tell her to enjoy what she can, and look forward to when she can be on her own. That’s how I got through my teens.
If your parents can’t afford a private vocal coach, then perhaps there might be a singing group in school, like I mentioned before. Those kinds of groups usually do lots of vocal exercises, and even if it’s not one-on-one, it’s really helpful. I always thought about auditioning for one of those shows for the heck of it, but then I guess I was busy with other things. But if you’re really interested, you should keep practicing. It’s good to have a rewarding hobby you enjoy.
Also, you should try to stop cutting yourself or otherwise causing self-harm. I know it might bring some relief at the time, but it’s best to relieve your emotions in other ways. Maybe go for a walk or a run whenever you feel like cutting, or put on some music that will cheer you up, or imagine to yourself being in a place where you have everything you want, and you feel very peaceful and safe. If you keep that image in your mind it will actually help you relax. You can try deep-breathing as well, or do some exercises (you could look up exercise methods online). You could also try drawing. You don’t even have to be good at it. Just scribble whatever you want onto a piece of paper, or write stuff, or whatever. You can do whatever you want to a piece of paper because it doesn’t feel anything, and it won’t leave scars. Journalling could be helpful as well. In a journal you can express everything you couldn’t to the people around you. It can be very therapeutic. There might be online methods for this these days if you prefer, or the old-fashioned diary.
That brings to mind the show called My Mad Fat Diary. It’s about a suicidal girl who comes back from a mental hospital after a failed attempt, and discovers her best friend has a new group. She tries to fit in with the group, all the while struggling with her appearance and weight, and writes all the happenings in her diary. You might want to check it out. It’s available online if you know where to look. (Only six episodes for the first season.)
That sounds like a great show. And I only cut when I want to die, like I don’t have the means to die so I cut. And anyways it’s okay for me. I don’t cut down I cut across. I could never cut into my veins. Just thinking about that is horrible. In fact, sorry to tell you this, but I had cut last night. The first in about 2 months. I try not to because I hate hiding them.
It’s crazy because I want someone to find out but then they can tell and get me in trouble. Hopefully they’ll bring back the choir. But my school has tons of budget cuts and only 300 students. (Lord help me) I really do want to be on a choir and I’m entering high school actually tomorrow. I, I just hope I can cope with the school. I didn’t want to go to it but the district made me. It’s an Arts school and its not about academics what-so-ever…and no AP classes. And no sports.
I will for sure look up that show. Sounds like me. And hopefully your sister feels better. Life sucks and then you die right?
I know what you mean. But if they found out they probably wouldn’t understand, and they might send you to a hospital. I’ve been in one before and trust me, it wasn’t fun. The nurses don’t let you do anything; no phone or Internet, and they’re constantly around to make sure you don’t get into trouble, and some of the people can be like actually ‘insane,’ like you don’t know what ‘crazy’ is until you meet these people. And the food usually isn’t good either. So, yeah, maybe don’t try to be found out. People would be scared and your parents could even involve the police (who will definitely want you to go to a hospital).
I hope school will go well for you. I’m sure they’ll have some kind of club you can be involved with. You could even get some people together and start your own, if there’s none you’re interested in. Maybe start a writing club!
Well… life sucks /sometimes/ but not all the time. My life hasn’t sucked the whole time. There have been many good moments I’m happy to have experienced, and I’m looking forward to many more, as well.
I’d like to thank you, thank you so so much for telling me about that show. I just watched the first season…it was unbelievable. There definitely were some similarities in my life and Rae’s and I wished for things that she had. I couldn’t stop crying for every episode. It really does give me hope. And I am hoping for the best tomorrow. I really need the best if I continue.
And my life has sucked almost all the time. The bad weighs out the good more than 2 to 1. I’m just going to hope that the glimmer of hope I have for this year/my life, will shine through all of the bad. I’m in a really long tunnel.
I’m glad you enjoyed it. (: Keep an eye open for the second season, which will be out next January or so.
You know, I could say the same about my life. Maybe not a lot has happened, and what did happen seems superfluous, but yet I am glad to have had the experience. I suppose when I was your age I didn’t have much going for me, either, but there were definitely still good moments that I recall. The fact is that you’re alive, and you could die randomly at any second, by means beyond your control – so do your best to enjoy the time you have.
I hope your school day went as well as it could. If you ever want to talk to someone about anything at all, my email is solarstarz @ outlook . com (no spaces). Feel free to send me a message anytime, if you’d like.
Of course I will and I am obsessed with this show. You might not know it but I’m American…lol
Ah, I wasn’t sure. I’m in your neighboring country, to the north. 😛