I am so hollow inside. I always thought that I am doing something important, something that will make me perfect. but now i am realizing that that was all bullshit, hypocrisy, painting the circumference while inside was all empty. I don’t know when did i became such a hypocrite. maybe i always was. i always wanted to do something big, achieve something great. back then, when it all started, one of my fears was to have a difference between thought and action. and it seems that fear has now come true. and with what magnitude! I tried to be spiritual, i tried to be philosophical, and so hard i was working, with so much dedication, and now this realization that it was all hypocrisy. read so many books and yet when i look inside i find nothing. so weak inside that anyone can influence me to my root. whenever i talk to someone, except my closest family members, i find myself in total control of him. i act the way he want me to act. and since most of them i don’t know him completely i can’t determine how to act. so i stupidly give a big smile on all of their sentences. where the hell am I? where are my thoughts, my beliefs, my ideas when i interact with others? or is it because i know they are not intelligent enough to understand them? while they are good in worldly affairs, i devote almost all of my free time in thinking. in short, I don’t know how to “chit-chat”. Then sometimes i think its my over-goodness that’s becoming the cause of my demise. i care too much for others. that’s why i try to act according to them. you see the tragedy of life? u care too much for others. that care makes u fall in others eyes. and so that same care makes u hate yourself and them too. oh how much i want to know what my problem is, where am i stuck. remaining amid all this lies and hypocrisy i have even forgotten who really am I, what my real passions and thoughts are, what makes me angry, what makes me happy….everything has become a lie.
I don’t know why I am writing all this here. I have no thoughts of suicide as yet; i am too selfish for that, and maybe too hopeful too. In Matrix movie the Architect said – “Hope is man’s greatest strength and also his greatest weakness.” I see it as all weakness, with its only benefit or use in preventing someone from taking his life. it keeps him away from reality, never letting him come face to face with it. and probably that’s the reason for my hypocrisy also.
but it won’t be so always. i think i am coming closer and closer to reality. many more lies will be revealed, i have accumulated quite a lot them in these 3-4 years. I thought i was working to find reality, while the truth was exact opposite! So what will happen when i loose the last bit of this angelic devil? when i was young and used to read suicide stories in newspaper or TV this was the first thought that used to come in my mind -‘Why? this is stupid. he could instead choose to run away into forests or mountains’. and i guess i will still choose to run away. not into loneliness but solitude. and not because of selfishness…with this one decision i know i will be done with my old self once and forever and there will be no recalling since the environment will be totally different. and amid nature i will be born again – not with the shit of this imperfect society but with the beauty of perfect nature. (another hope :P)
sorry for grammar