I’m sitting here at 4 in the morning because I’m in too much emotional pain to sleep. I can’t stand being myself. I care too much for my best friend. I don’t understand it. I think I love her as more than a friend, even though we are the same gender. I have to force myself to support her when she tells me that she wants to be with a guy. I have to sit and pretend she isn’t sleeping with someone else. I have to pretend I don’t love her because it would ruin our friendship. But I love this person so much. I care about her so much, and I wish I didn’t. She isn’t even a kind person. She’s cruel and uncaring about others. I feel like I’m torturing myself. I’m so lonely that I don’t know what to do with myself. I haven’t got a single person in my life who I can talk to about this. My parents have a terrible relationship with me, my other close friend would think I’m disgusting, and I can’t tell my best friend that I care about her this much. I’m so lonely. I’m so tired of crying my eyes out every night, hoping that something will get better. I know it’s selfish to kill oneself, but I no longer care. I have so few people in my life who would miss me. Things in my family are already screwed up as it is. I have let myself go in many ways. I have no future ahead of me. There’s nothing going for me. I’m trapped where I am with nothing to look forward to. It’s been years since I started feeling this way and it’s not getting any better from here. I just can’t watch the person I love drift away from me anymore. It hurts so much that I want to throw up. What hurts the most is she has no idea how I feel, and I feel like I’m being stepped on. Even if I abandoned everything and somehow started over, the memory of this would crush me. I may be a selfish person, a pathetic and selfish person, but I can’t think of anything more comforting than ending it all. I don’t have anyone who cares about me anymore so what’s the point of sticking around for all this?
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I went through the same thing in 9th grade met the most amazing person we were like Bonnie and Clyde always together skipping school going everywhere we could, having long conversation I was in love with a girl for the first time, I brought her over to my house and my cousin was over we all hung out and 2 weeks later I hear from a stranger that the girl I love is dating my cousin. I was heartbroken but after a whole summer I let myself move on and found a even better girl who treated me Better, have hope there’s so many girls to explore in the world
And that girl is not worth your life, nor is anyone else. I promise I was where you are now and things do get a bit easier and you’ll meet a million other people, if you need to vent I’m here
I’d like to think things would get easier and I can move on, but I’m terrible at making friends and talking to people. My life situation makes it hard to get out there and meet new people. I haven’t made any new friends for nearly 3 years. It has felt like everything revolves around this friendship with this girl in order to keep me going, but I can’t handle it anymore. I just don’t know how to get over this. I don’t think I can.
Hello Mallory,
You don’t say how old you are…but I think it’s probably safe to assume that you are much younger than me…everyone is. 🙂 I have a million questions I would love to ask you. Just from reading what you did write…I am assuming that this girl who you admit is nasty…has become your crutch…the person who keeps you from spending tooo much time with the person you hate the most….yourself. Anything there? As I said…I don’t know the important parts of the story…you’ve kept them to yourself…which is your right. Please just don’t expect anyone to give you any “answers”. Those you have to come up with yourself…you’re the only one that knows the “whole” story.
Sometimes we don’t even know our own stories…until we tell them to others. Here to listen…if you want to talk that is.
Peace
Amakua
What you’re saying sounds right, that she is some sort of a crutch. But I’m an incredibly sensitive person and I over think everything. I know I need to reach out and find others, but I’m feeling too weak to do that. I have no motivation or energy at all anymore. I’ve known her for years before we graduated from high school, and it’s been 3 years since then. I feel as though I’ve been suffering throughout that entire time because I’m constantly being reminded that I’m not very important to her or anyone. I seem to be horribly attached to people. I care a lot about everyone around me, but it’s as though the people I know wouldn’t think twice if we never spoke again. This girl has even said things like that to me in regards to moving away. I feel that I very much hate myself. I keep thinking of suicide because I don’t have the motivation to change myself. I’m too hung up on everything. If there’s something you’d like to ask, please go ahead.
HaHa You asked for it. Just kidding. Sorta.
The first thing I wonder is what your sexuality is? Or if you are questioning? The next thing I wonder about is childhood abuse. Whether emotional, verbal, physical or sexual. My money’s on sexual and emotional. Do you have Daddy issues? Was he absent in your life? Are there substance abuse issues? I would guess there were in your family of origin and that you became the enabler…but what do I know? See?? So many questions.
Don’t feel you have to answer any of my nosy questions…they are just that…and my guesses are merely “feelings”. Oh yeah…I would also ask about your belief system. Nosy aren’t I?
The truth is…nothing is forever…now is it? People come and go from our lives constantly for various reasons. There is no such thing as a forever relationship…except the one with yourself. Do you think instead of focusing on losing your friend…maybe you should be looking for your authentic self? I dunno. What do you think?
Peace
Amakua
Honestly I have no idea what my sexuality is anymore. I know, as a girl, that I am attracted to men. I’m sure about that. I’ve never really had any sexual attraction to a girl before. However, with this friend it bothers me terribly that she wants to do sexual things with men. It feels absolutely terrible to me. I guess at this point I’m questioning.
I haven’t been a victim of child abuse, although I have a terrible relationship with my mom. Since I was a young teen I’ve felt I’ve lost her from my life. She tends to insult me about my life choices or physical appearance whenever we speak. I try not to get into these confrontations as I don’t know how to deal with them.
I don’t abuse any substances, although I do drink myself sick occasionally as not to feel anything. Nobody knows about that though. I also have no belief system, I’m an agnostic.
I would love to be able to renew myself and become more confident. I just wish I understood why I feel this way, as it’s literally driving me over the edge. I don’t want to keep going like this. I’m so lonely that it’s making me make bad decisions for myself.
I try to avoid love anyway I can. I end up heartbroken in the end every time. </3
Awww…so not physical attraction to the friend…merely jealousy and disgust. I get that…but then I don’t tend to think about other people’s sex lives. That would be like imagining my mother’s sex life. Some things you just shouldn’t think about. haha
I want you to understand something though. There are two kinds of lonely. One is situational, ie. no one around, no one to talk to etc. The other is a loneliness that doesn’t go away…even in a crowd of people…even when you are with loved ones. Which type of lonely are you? This is not to say that you can’t be both…but one is easily solved…the other not so much.
I just read an interesting book last week by the Brazilian author Paulo Coehlo. It was called Veronika Decides to Die. The main character is in her early twenties and decides to committ suicide. Her reasons for doing so were rather interesting…almost thought the author did his research on SP. haha Just thought I would mention it in case you are the literary type.
What is an agnostic btw? I use to call myself one…but I really am still not quite sure what one is? Isn’t that kinda like hedging your bet…agnosticism. More like I can’t be bothered to think about it…I’ll probably be wrong anyway? I dunno. Myself I am a Spiritualist. Takes all kinds to make a world I guess. Anything is better than when I was an Atheist though. Agnostic says to me…I haven’t made up my mind yet. Perhaps you can tell me what it means to you?
Renewing and becoming more confident. Hardest thing in the world. Mostly because the first step is generally losing what friends you do have. Learning who you really are…and taking your place in the world. Tough stuff…but well worth it in my opinion. Even if your “place in the world” consists of painting sea shells for tourists. Being your authentic self takes great courage. Giving in is more painful…but alas…easier.
How would you go about renewing? What would you change first? Just curious. Would tell me a lot about how you see yourself now at any rate.
Live, Learn, Love and Laugh…usually at myself
Amakua
I’d like to think that it’s not physical attraction. But it makes me feel terrible and lonely at the thought of her being with someone else, it’s not just a disgust feeling. It actually hurts me. It feels the same as a lover cheating on me, only the lover is openly telling me they’re going to cheat. I don’t feel like this is a normal feeling for a friend to feel for another friend.
I feel both types of lonely. I don’t have many people around me, and when I do, I still feel like I’m alone. I’m not good with people and never feel part of the group. That’s why I’m so hung up on the friends that I have. If I were to lose them, I would have no one and making new friends would feel absolutely impossible.
When I say agnostic, to me it means that I have no belief of any kind. I tend to associate the word “atheist” with someone who is very much anti-belief of any kind, whereas I consider myself simply an open book. If I feel like something is proven to me, I will have a belief in it, but as of now I’m not spiritual.
I honestly don’t know how I would change or renew myself. I’m at a point where I feel so far gone that I physically can’t get myself out of my room sometimes, unless I must go to work of course. I have 0 motivation. Nothing to live for anymore. I often think about moving away to my home country and starting over entirely, but this is a financial and physical impossibility. I truly feel stuck like this.
Fact: Atheist literally means: “without Theism”
That includes anyone who does not believe there is any god.
Anti-theist would mean “against all theism of any kind.”
I am against people believing things that are not supported by evidence identified in observable reality. Technically, this makes me not just “anti-theist,” but anti- a bunch of other outrageous beliefs, as well.
“Agnosticism is the view that the truth values of certain claims—especially claims about the existence or non-existence of any deity, as well as other religious and metaphysical claims—are (currently) unknown.” -wikipedia/agnosticism
It starts with agnosticism, continues through discovery of contradictions and inaccuracies in “biblical” historical records, then rests upon the basis that: we have nothing to substantiate any claim that any god exists. Ergo: all belief in any god, is necessarily assumed false, until there is any evidence to sufficiently support a reasonable justification of any basis for belief. Currently, there is none, therefore, i do not thing that believing in something that has zero valid supporting evidence, is an acceptable stance. Therefore, i am agnostic, atheist, and anti-theist, until evidence in observable reality is shown to indicate a reasonable and justifiable assumption that the existence of a god is likely.
I can identify with your ache. It sucks and it can feel utterly impossible to dissipate. It’s unwanted and involuntary, and you start to fear anything that will trigger it, and you know you can’t completely avoid all the triggers, especially when interacting with the person in question. I suppose the best you can do is try to be glad that the person you care about is finding enjoyment in what they desire. They probably aren’t intending to hurt you… but they probably won’t alter their course to avoid causing your pain. It’s just one of those harsh things in life that many people have to learn to live with and minimize.
Hey Mallory,
Sorry. I did the most ridiculous thing. I went to bed. Hope we can catch each other again soon.
Since I read your last comment…I truly do think you should read the book I recommended. Seems you have quite a bit in common with the main character. Personally…I call it apathy. When you care but only enough to make yourself more miserable. Like…I look at a mess and say…I should really clean it up…but it will just end up getting messy again…so you do nothing.
Of course it’s gonna get messy again…just like life. You get handed a mess…you clean it up…you move on. You find another mess…well you got the picture I hope. haha The problems occur when life hands us a mess we just can’t deal with…or worse…have no desire to deal with. We get stuck. Then we get scared that we will never be able to do it…then we get stoopid. At least I did. ha
The reason I asked about beliefs was simple. You are what you believe. You claim you are an open book. Does this mean that anyone can walk up and write whatever they want for you? Do you allow people to dog-ear your pages? Tear out a page to wad their gum in? Understand…by believing nothing…which I don’t believe btw…it is not surprising that you now find yourself in crisis.
Another book that I found incredibly helpful in understanding how we create our reality…and the process of domestication…accepting other’s beliefs, is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I don’t necessarily agree with everything he purports…but he explains a complex issue in a way that even stoopid old women like me can understand. 😀
I see more and more young people suffering from the same fear to transition. It’s always been a problem for some…but anymore it seems to be epidemic. But life is a journey…and we have to keep moving…or we suffer.
The feelings you have for your friend…very confusing eh? But trust me…don’t act on them…it will end your friendship…and I’m sure that is not what you want. But you need to start getting out and meeting new people…to ensure you are not left in the lurch when your friend eventually moves on. Think about it. Start asking 30 and 40 year olds how many friends they have left from high school. So first and foremost you need to learn how to be your own friend.
My dad told me…If you are fortunate enough to have one true friend in this lifetime…consider yourself lucky. Most of us don’t. People will come and go throughout your life…it is only when we try to hang on to them that we get hurt.
And finally…the thing that keeps us stuck is simply fear.
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.
Nelson Mandela
Peace
Amakua