I don’t understand. Just what about this upsets people?

Been experiencing a fair amount of angst wrt this recently. It’s been seven years since I started, two since I “stopped”, and to be honest I still slip up now and then. I’ve been experiencing the urges. I’m back at my parents’ house for the summer, and though I’ve been mostly recovered for two years there’s still a dearth of sharp objects in the house. I used to compulsively hoard spare blades whenever I felt the urge to cut (in lieu of actually doing it). I literally bought in bulk, stashed paper cutters in every nook and cranny I could think of because they kept being removed. I wasn’t doing it any more, but I still felt (feel) like I need a knife, to look at and hold if nothing else. It’s my security blanket, the one thing in the world whose danger quotient is entirely predictable just because it doesn’t care. It’s always there, it doesn’t judge, you’re not burdening real people with real problems and it can’t stab you in the back unless you want to do that yourself.

I suppose nine months is a long time for a game of hide and seek. My stash is nowhere to be found.

It used to infuriate me. It still does, actually, only now it’s a long familiar ache instead of the urge to commit murder. I don’t know what to do and I’ve been drinking too much wine. And somehow that’s “okay”, because it’s wine not whisky and they can pass it off as culture instead of substance abuse.

I have no such illusions.

I’ve been talking to myself, rehashing the arguments over and over again about how the furor over SI makes no sense and why stopping is absolutely necessary. I made promises, and more than that I have specific interests. So it has to be done, no question about it.

But I can’t help but rail against the injustice of it all.

You see, my problem is that I’ve never understood why this is an issue. I know it hurts people, but I don’t understand why. I know my scars are bad news for my career prospects, but I don’t get that either. Someone who takes out all their emotions and issues on themselves rather than trying to hurt anyone else – what else could you possibly want? Who could be less dangerous? Does my mental health affect my judgment? Probably. But all things considered, I think I have a track record (SI aside, possibly) of making more sensible decisions than many supposedly more sane. I may be off my rocker. I am not stupid. You assign me an objective; I am capable of working out how to get there. I’m a workaholic. I have tunnel vision. I will probably be an extremely dedicated employee with no social life to speak of. What else could you ask for? I don’t ask for much, just an intellectually taxing job to fill up my time. I don’t need a fancy title, I don’t need to lead, I just need to run round and round in my wheel like a lab rat. I would be OK with being a lab rat. Or assistant. That sounds like a lot of work and therefore fun.

I don’t get it. I’m losing skin cells and red blood cells; the human body is remarkably good at producing both. I don’t think they’re particularly worth mourning. Hopefully I won’t accidentally hamstring myself, but I find that unlikely. The odds of “accidentally-on-purpose” dying from this approach the statistically negligible. So. What are people upset about? I know they get angry when I say these things. I don’t know why.

And don’t get me started on calling this “self-harm”. The definition of “harm” is somewhat subjective. It is rather more in my interests than not to avoid going about assaulting people, or breaking into tears every five minutes, or ingesting excessive amounts of alcohol. None of the above are particularly conducive to productivity. I would like (actually, to make a living I rather need) to get work done. This lets me function well enough to do that. Also, knife = inanimate object = not person. This is a situation with no losers. No one needs to listen to me rant at 3 AM. I like that. I don’t like dumping on people I care about. The cons: I lose some easily-replaced (or, if not easily-replaced, likely negligible) biological matter. I do not compute. In my cost-benefit analysis, the cost is negligible. Where is the harm?

I’m just – completely baffled. There’s an entire program missing from my hard drive that everyone else seems to have. Or there’s an error in my logic. I wish someone would explain this to me; everyone I know just gets angry and calls me crazy.