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I Found Him.

by fantasiaw

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I don’t really know what else i can do anymore. Cameron died almost exactly a year ago (September 8 2013) and I am STILL not over it. I’ve gone to all the groups, I’ve been hospitalized for PTSD, I’ve got a new boyfriend who treats me like gold, I go out, I don’t talk about it all the time anymore. What else can I do to make it feel better.
The thing you have to know is Cameron and I were very much in love but he was sick. He was always threatening suicide and I always gave in because of the fear. The one day i stood my ground and stayed at work, he left. Not 2 hours after i’d come home to check on him he was gone.
I walk into our room and there he is, surround by himself. Red covers everything. What in the hell is this? Our puppy Scout is barking in his kennel next to him. I think this isn’t a very funny joke. Why isn’t he turning to greet me? Why can’t i speak? Then it hits me, it’s not a joke. Can a gun really do that? I don’t recognize this person.
RUN. GET HELP. My friends are waiting in the driveway ready to go back to work from lunch and they see me. I’m screaming. SEAN! He’s dead! He shot himself! I make one go inside to make sure even though i know what’s in there. I know he’s really gone. I make them tell me he is anyways. I need to hear someone say it. Who do i call? 911? No. MOMMY DADDY. They cant understand me I’m crying too hard and screaming too loud. They’re on the way. I wait.
Ambulance is here. Don’t bother going in there theres nothing you can do. Call the coroner. Working in the funeral business has rubbed off some experience on me. Police are here. Why are they separating me and the others? I need them! Cemeron’s aunt shows up. ITS MY FAULT. ITS MY FAULT. She gives me a hard look, “Stop saying this is your fault.” I nod. His mother and father don’t even know yet.
Mom and Dad are here. I’m 20 years old and I feel like a child. Mom jumps out of the truck before dad can even make a complete stop. I run to her. I hug tight and we cry together.
His parents are here. They wont get out of the car.
The police start removing things from the room. Why do they want my laptop? They’re putting the gun in the car. Can you unlock his phone? I’m sorry officer, he changed his password I can’t.
I want to. My last message from Cameron. “Hey babe its me. I’m just sitting here, wishing you loved me enough to be with me but since you don’t I need-”. That’s it. Where the hell is part two of that message. Was it important. Is there something I needed to know? I’ll never know now.
Everything about this day still rings so vivid with me. I just can’t shake it. Will it ever be normal? Will I ever be normal? What now?

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10 comments

ifoundmeandyou 8/26/2013 - 10:03 pm

Damn.

ifoundmeandyou 8/26/2013 - 10:12 pm

be careful brittany.

fantasiaw 8/27/2013 - 7:16 am

Who is Brittany

RealTalk30 8/27/2013 - 7:21 am

Don’t mind that person.. There were a gaggle of weirdos on this site last night. Left a few odd comments on my post too.

Your story is very very sad which is why I didn’t comment last night.

But i feel for you.. And I hope you can find the strength to move on, carry on, and live strong.

Don’t let the pain of others drag you into the ground.

RealTalk30 8/27/2013 - 7:21 am

Ahh.. I forgot to say..

Thanks you for sharing your story!

fantasiaw 8/27/2013 - 7:36 am

Thank you very much. It’s just something I had to get out and this seemed like the proper place for it. Too many people here in this small community just don’t understand.

riverrun 8/27/2013 - 10:21 am

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you already understand this, but I just want to say it to you: you did the right thing. If you’ve gone to support groups and been in the hospital, I’m sure someone probably already made you aware of this, but when a partner threatens suicide, it really is a form of emotional abuse. As you wrote in your post, he would always threaten suicide and it would get you to back down on whatever you might have been disagreeing about at the time. That’s exactly what it is designed to do, and although it is so unfortunate that he actually went through with it, you should not feel bad for finally standing your ground. Telling someone who loves you that you will kill yourself is like taking yourself hostage, holding a gun to the head of the person you know your partner loves and saying “stop arguing with me/don’t break up with me/whatever or I’m gonna kill myself”. It’s an unfair relationship tactic and it is abuse.

I only know how it works so well because there were relationships in my life where if things weren’t going well and it started to seem like someone wanted to break up with me, I would start talking about suicide, and as time has gone by I’ve read books etc and come to understand why it qualifies as abuse to do that to someone.

riverrun 8/27/2013 - 10:22 am

Ugh the comment I posted is “awaiting moderation” again. Check your control panel if you want to see/approve what I wrote.

fantasiaw 8/27/2013 - 10:25 am

You seem to know exactly how I feel about it. I respect that.

RealTalk30 8/27/2013 - 12:32 pm

I was in a relationship where no amount of attention would fix my girlfriends depression. She would cut, scream, threaten, lock me out and blame me for the way she felt. She would refuse to get in my car and turn around to tell everyone I ditched her. Against my better judgement I had to abandon her. I now see that she was just abusive for no good reason the whole time. I can’t imagine how far she would have taken it, and how low it could have brought me in life. Life is hard enough without people making it harder by being hopelessly depressed and needy (clingy) at the same time.

Being around death a lot still doesn’t prepare you for the death of loved ones I know. I’ve been around dead people and seen kids die on the street in front of my own eyes. I was introduced at an early age to such violence and sadness. Although I’d like to think my mind goes on unflinching, but the truth is those images will always haunt me.

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