Since I decided to end things I have found my sense of humour… I feel happy! It feels so strange since I have been living for so long faking laughter, smiles, interest.
I have a very big helium tank behind my couch all set up and ready to go. I spent yesterday getting ready and I found myself occasionally reaching over to touch the tank or the exit bag, all I felt was assurance and comfort. I’m a little nervous, but not enough to question my choice.
How did I get here?
I have got no idea how I have lasted this long. When I was 17 I was raped, I got pregnant from the rape. Initially, I had blocked out the memory… wow this is harder to talk about than I expected… so to cut a long story short, abortion wasn’t an option – my Mum told me God wanted me to give the child up for adoption and I did. During this time I got counselling, and I started remembering all the supressed memories Kevin (bio dad) and older brother molesting me/sexually assaulting me. It wasn’t just sexual abuse I endured, I also had emotional, physical, and spiritual.
My Mum was supportive for a little while, and that’s when I found out that kevin had started molesting me when I was in nappies. My Mum had taken me to the doctor over a long period of time because I had severe bruising around the genital area. Her support didn’t last long, she was comfortable being brainwashed for so long and didn’t want to change. I hung in there for a long time doing my best to get counselling and change the dysfunction in my family. Even though I physically separated myself from Kevin and Philip, they continued to influence other family members and therefore still effected me. They spread numersous lies about me I think hoping that no one would believe what they did to me. I was too ashamed to tell anyone anyway… So I tried to commit suicide, instead I got a bit of support and a little hope and separated myself from my family.
I should probably mention that I was born into the Mormon cult. It is a haven for paedophiles and rapists. I know there are some good people there, but my experience was a very large group of people who saw how broken and traumatised I was and did absolutely nothing except traumatise me more… and they call themselves disciples of Christ – BS!!!
I was in and out of hospital for a while with depression. I did some soul searching and found a reason to live (no longer valid). I have come into contact with numerous destructive, manipulative people. I kept thinking I just needed to jump another hurdle in therapy so I could function a bit better and attract the right people. I feel like I’ve been walking around with a sign on my head: LIE TO ME! RAPE ME! MANIPULATE ME! the sicko’s keep finding me.
A couple of years ago, I found out my Mum was dying of cancer. I sent her a letter telling her just how angry I was at her for not protecting me, for being apart of the problem and not the solution. I went to visit her in hospital to discuss the letter. My last memory of her is her raising her bed up so she could look down on me and tell me she denied ever knowing what was going on BS! and that I was going to hell because I was rebelling from the church.
I’ve spent this time grieving for not only loosing a mother – but all hope of ever having the Mother I deserve. Life sucks. During this vulnerable time I came in contact with a few more people who thought I was the perfect person to manipulate. I’m ashamed to say, I was taken in…
So, I have spent a lifetime struggling with PTSD, depression, dyspraxia (I think its mild brain damage from the abuse), and social anxiety. unfortunately for me, I am high-functioning so even with all the crap I go through each day I manage to have the appearance of someone who is pretty intelligent and with pretty good social skills for the most part. What people don’t understand is that to keep my charade up it is a fulltime job. I work so hard to put on a face each day. When something happens to trigger the PTSD and suddenly I’m not functioning so well… people in general have been so cruel. they act like I’m making it up, or creating drama – or whatever?!
Soooooo BEEPING tired!
13 comments
Miss, I’m so sorry about what you have been through.
I wish I could make you reconsider, but it is your life, and I can not do such a thing.
Email me please before you go?
brl.cents@gmail.com
I wouldn’t really know what to say in the email… it was just comforting to get my story (at least some of it) out there…
I grew up in Utah, so I know about the Mormons. I was one when I was a kid, you get peer pressured into going, if your family doesn’t go, as in my case. Like you say there are some good people, but it is a cult, and they definitely attempt to control the flock. Fortunately I stopped associating with the church at about 14.
I’m sorry to hear about your situation and what you’ve been through. I wish you could find a different answer than suicide, but I understand if that’s the way you need to go. I’m departing soon myself.
My best to you!
:
Have you tried interacting within a community / support group of individuals who’ve had similar experiences ? That is one horrific life you’ve endured; sadly a few others share similar experiences … being supported by people who’ve had to endure the kind of abuse you’ve had to – the ‘validation’, empathy, insight you receive – can go some way to helping you heal.
I’m reminded of one person I met a while back – one of the most inspiring individuals I’ve met; a really nice person… He recounted to us the story of a woman raped on a train, resulting in pregnancy; just, the agony that woman experienced… Some 30 years later, the person motivating us all, and having truly achieved a lot, was the child that resulted from that rape; yep, as horrendous as was the experience his mother endured, this was one occasion where something positive did result – the guy was a genuinely good individual ….
Not many people can identify with the sort of abuse you’ve endured, but there are people who can, who have indeed being able to process all of it sufficiently, so that the abuse does not result in them having to commit suicide…
You’re ‘high-functioning’, so that helps… Just the right support, perhaps, to help you move forward “functioning a bit better”….
I hope all of this doesn’t offend you; just, there seems to be so much still left in you; and even to contribute to other people’s lives …
.
All the best …
.
I have sent you an email. Check it please.
Renobill, I’m glad you found a way out sooner than I did! …I really feel like I’ve done all I can… Tonight’s the night for me – I’m just about organised…
I’m curious – do you still believe in God? You don’t have to reply if you don’t want to, it is very personal… I have just spent the last few years SO confused about God, and all I was taught growing up. They have so many warped ideas… My Mum wanted to divorce Kevin before I was born and her bishop told her that it was God’s will that she stay with him – that she would not be permitted into heaven if she left him… She really did try to follow God with all her heart – its just a shame she was following twisted sicko’s pretending to speak for God.
I would give absolutely anything to be told I am not related to Kevin: that my Mum had an affair! artificial insemination! ANYTHING BUT HIM!!! But, she waisted her life being a very faithful wife to a sociopath/child molester. Pretending like she was just so incredibly righteous for suffering so much for God.
Oh, and their views on sex! WTF??? …If you love someone, obviously you want to be close to them. The majority of people I know of that got married in the temple did so having had sex before marriage. Twisted universal expectations that just don’t apply to everyone’s needs – they are a bunch of hypocrites! and then when someone like me comes along who refuses to lie and is honest about what I feel and believe they brand me as evil and shun me. Thank God they did, otherwise I might still be caught up in their BS.
Also, them teaching people that masturbation is evil… disturbing!!! …and SO SO unhealthy! Honestly, if I hadn’t gotten to know my body I would still be feeling like Kevin and Philip owned it. I reclaimed by body and mind when I disobeyed that one – thank God I was smart enough to listen to what I needed to move forward and not them. These warped ‘commandments’ give men absolute control over women, and lead men to get married waaay before they are ready and capable of assuming responsibility for a family. No good man would want their wife/partner to believe that the only time they were allowed to experience life giving emotions was by them and them alone.
I could rant forever! Shame on me for being so caught up in all their lies for so long.
Good luck to you too 🙂 see you on the other side.
searchingformeaning:
I’m not offended, I understand what you’re saying.
I’ve looked for that sort of support for a long time… unfortunately for me I live in a city that is very much like a big town. People are very closed minded and the women tend to deal with abuse by blaming themselves. Typically the women here have very low self esteem – I think its just part of the culture. I haven’t ever felt like I belong here… My personality fits better with Americans. I made very big financial sacrifices when I separated myself from my family and the brainwashing cult… and have always been extremely sceptical of anyone offering to help – they usually just want me to feel obliged so they can manipulate me and put their stupid dicks in me. Because of this, moving just isn’t an option.
I think for the most part people just cant cope with the gravity of what I’ve been through… who wants to be with the daughter of a paedophile??? and deal with PTSD, depression, etc??? I know I’ve been my own worst enemy in a way… the more vulnerable I feel, the more I try to convince everyone around me that I’m ok – because I just cant trust that they wont kick me while I’m down or take advantage of me like numerous people have done in the past…
Oh, and about the rape pregnancy… for a long time I did view it like a positive in an absolute nightmare. I was so deeply traumatised during this time that I rarely left the house, I had no desire to eat, and I felt like I would die from all the hurt I felt. But, I felt the child’s spirit – I felt like it wanted to live. So I forced myself to eat and made it through. I suppressed any negative feelings towards the child stemming from the rape for a long time… I hope he does make a difference in this world. I hope he doesn’t ever take for granted the hell I went through to bring him into this life.
I realised at some point that regardless of the fight I’ve put up to be the best version of me I can be and make a difference in the world, all my efforts just seem to come back to bite me in the butt. I just don’t have the support I need to keep moving forward.
I have just failed the units I was doing this semester. I worked SO hard and was getting distinctions/HD’s for the most part. It came to the end of semester and I think I’m just too burnt out to function properly anymore. I couldn’t think clearly enough to get my thoughts down on paper.
I spent too much energy giving to the wrong people, they didn’t give back. Too much pressure… something had to give, my job or uni. I need money to live, so uni it was… job has since gone down the toilet too… just too burnt out to cope anymore.
Thanks for showing confidence in a stranger 🙂
I sent you emails, did you get them?
I know I shouldn’t be, but I am worried about you quite a lot.
Groooooan! I just realised there is another thing I need to do before I leave, and I need the uni computer lab to do it… I have to wait another day! I could just cry! I want this to be over with already… but I’d rather leave knowing I tied up all my loose ends 🙁
blindaudio: nooo nothing! You don’t need to worry, I’m sure everything will go to plan – thanks though!
” … who wants to be with the daughter of a paedophile??? and deal with PTSD, depression, etc??? … ”
I’m a guy, raped at 3 years old; raped and otherwise sexually abused until I was 11 years old (not by parent(s) / sibling(s), as you’ve been)… I have had to process feelings of shame, confusion, as well as PTSD, DID and depression. I still struggle, though I have been able to sufficiently move beyond the ‘damage’ caused by the abuse… I did struggle academically as well … Due to lack of finances, I had to work while completing a degree, while having to cope with a lot of other issues… I tried to do the MSc (pretty much required at my previous job)… after 3 registrations, I got nowhere and had to drop it; subsequently (though not as a direct consequence) had to leave my job; and things were quite bad… I simply hadn’t processed the abuse I’d suffered, thus the psychological distress that hindered me … I am able (psychologically) to move forward now; I do have other ‘problems’ though … Don’t
commit suicide due to the (psychological) consequences of abuse inflicted by others – I know that one can ‘overcome’ that, and if one can associate with informed, empathetic people (together with appropriate / relevant therapy) one can do so much sooner, and not let the psychological distress destroy one’s life … You’re smart; keep searching… as horrendous as we may have been treated by others, we do indeed ‘own ourselves’, despite what one’s ‘mind’ might tell oneself due to having been ‘violated’ (here, in every sense)… Once the abuse / trauma has been sufficiently processed / resolved, you will feel like you are living your own life again, functioning better…
You *know* you’ve got lots of potential to have a healthy / productive life, while positively contributing to other people’s lives …
Again, I apologise if I offend…
Best of luck.
Thanks for sharing searchingformeaning… I wish I could find the support I need. But, I have found that over and over again the only version of me that anyone wants around is me when I’m strong enough to fake being happy. As soon as I show anyone any degree of pain, they’re out the door. All my ‘friends’ are superficial – they really don’t give a shit! I realised that I have been fighting INCREDIBLY hard for a world that just doesn’t want me. I finally stopped and asked myself why??? Why would I want to better a world, a community of people that don’t want me?
I’ve been told I’m not wanted in so many ways by so many different organisations/people who have rejected me when I reach out for help. I wonder sometimes if I am really so good at putting on a face that people just cant believe how much I struggle?
I think people judge me because I’m a bit above average in looks. TV tells people all the time that pretty people have it made. So instead of people seeing me… men see someone they want to fuck, and women see me as a threat. They enjoy seeing me struggle. How dare I be pretty and thin! I use to want to scratch my face off because I hated the attention I got so much.
I want to go out with a little bit of dignity… rather than so broken that I’m on the street, or in court because I cant pay bills. My worst nightmare is that Kevin or Philip finds me again and makes me pay for standing up to them. They didn’t ever pay for what they did to me – they are way too cunning to get caught.
You know, if guns were legal here… I would have no problem finishing them off before I go. At least they wouldn’t be able to hurt any more children then. I’ve dreamt about it. It wasn’t a vicious or blood thirsty dream. I think the way I felt in my dream, was the way a person would feel dealing with a rabid dog. I just understood that their sickness was incurable and a threat to everyone around them. I felt sad that nothing could be done for them and I pulled the trigger without flinching. It feels so bizarre thinking I might just be capable of this, because I am not a violent person AT ALL!
I’m really happy for you that you’ve learnt to function so well and have the support you need 🙂
I’m not able to interact much. My (current) physical condition rather impairs my ‘cognitive processing’.
Good luck to you.