It all started on the 25/08/13,
I had just gotten home from drama eisteddfods, which I had been placing in really well and winning majority, my weekend was going great, I also for once had a boy that was interested in me! I know can you believe it me!. When I got home I started talking to that boy and he was having a hard time with his depression and I was helping him. And then it happened. I logged onto Facebook and I see a post in a secret group that I’m in, (my acting class) and it says that Sam Cannon has committed suicide this morning. I looked at it in shock. I couldn’t cry or breath or do anything, this couldn’t be real could it? But it was all too real. I grabbed my phone and texted one of my close friends who also knew Sam. It still hadn’t hit me yet. I was still in shock. And then it came the tears I cried and cried. I was shaking with how much I was crying I wanted to puke. I didn’t know what to do. I went and told my parents, they didn’t know how to act. This boy had been a special part of my life for a long time, it was Sam for Christs sake! He was amazing more than words can describe. I didn’t sleep that night I stayed up texting everyone in my acting class and my close friend from school.
The next morning was a Monday. I decided to do to school, I wanted to distract myself, it didn’t work I cried walking to school. When I got there I calmed down and was sitting with my usual group of friends, hardly any of them knew about it, if they did know they didn’t mention anything. Then the girl I was texting walked in she was balling, my tears started I hugged her so hard I didn’t want to let go, her group of friends supported us throughout the day and were always there if we needed to cry, and boy did we ever. Towards the end of the day I was starting to feel alright, i was still upset but not crying, I thought ‘hey I might actually be okay’. I wasn’t, I got home and I didn’t want to be alone, I went and hung out with the boy that was interested in me. Big mistake, him and his friend kept joking about dying, I couldn’t handle it. When I got home I went to my room and cried, just like the first night I cried and cried and cried and cried.
Now it’s Tuesday, you think I would be over it, wrong. I went to school, my friend had decided to stay home, that’s what I should have done, school hurt. I felt my friends didn’t care, no one supported me and It was only because today I so happened to not be crying. But I felt like it. After school I had a long night at dancing, it was show audition week. My mum had spoken to the teachers and they were all aware. I did my singing audition and went and waited in the big room for everyone else to finish. And that’s when someone posted a photo that we took with Sam on his last acting class to display his Shakespearean quote from his monologue, ‘to be or not to be” I started crying. Infront of everyone. I couldn’t handle it.
Then Wednesday rolled around, school went okay. Then I had performance training, any mention of death made me flinch. I still cant handle it. When I got home I cried. I cried.
Then today Thursday. I’m at home and I am crying. I’ve cried every night since. Sam was a beautiful person and me meant so much to everyone.
The same hollow ache has set in my chest.
I miss you.
And even though my heart is broken it keeps breaking everyday.
I don’t want to get bad again. I’m scared, Sam. I’m scared. I would have helped if I had known. I just can’t believe you’re gone. I love you. I miss you.
I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. Losing people is so hard, and when it’s from suicide, it’s even harder to get over. You keep thinking, “why didn’t I see what was wrong? Why didn’t I do more?” And you blame yourself for things you had no way of knowing.
I’ve lost a lot of friends, and I’m sorry to say, it’s going to be a while before it stops being so devastating. It’s not something you can expect to be over in a couple days. Do not push yourself. It’s okay to grieve. Your other friends may not outwardly be displaying their emotions on it, but some of them might be hurting just as much.
You said you found out when people were posting about it in your acting group? Could you make a memorial page, or forum, and give the information to everyone else that knew him? It might give you an outlet to express what you are feeling, and you might be surprised to see other people feeling the same thing. And you might get more support from other people.
It’s okay to grieve. Take as long as you need, and don’t beat yourself up about it. But don’t let it consume you to the point where you might want to take your own life, either. Because a lot of people would have to feel about your passing as you are feeling now about his.
Do you think it might help to find a monologue you could do for your acting group that would express how you are feeling, in a constructive way? Or could you write your own? Focus on pouring your emotions into this! This pain, as awful as it is, could be useful to you to become a better actoperformance artist.
Such good advice! Thank you so much!