I’ve thought about taking my life so many times. I know some say it’s the cowards way out and that someone always has it worse than me – Truth is, I’m just so fed up. I’m exhausted. It’s like things are so bad I just don’t even feel like getting out of bed. I have great friends but I just have so many emotional issues that even hanging out with them seems like a chore.
I was sexually molested and abused continuously when I was young. I didn’t even know to tell or what to do. My mom found out because there was blood in my underwear. And because of that I have problems with people touching me or getting close to me.
I always had problems making friends in school. They called me ugly, gay and ******. When I was in 7th grade some kids broke into my house through our sliding door and messed up the house and my stepdad beat me up. He punched me in my face and in my stomach and back and other places while cursing me out. He then called the police and they arrested him and took me to the another police car. I had to sit at the police station until my mom got home from work. I was laughing stock of the school. A CPS agent came and took pictures of my bruises. It was embarrassing. I moved away for a year and then came back home and soon after my stepdad accused my mom and I of having sex. He claimed he actually saw us. That really hurt me and I became much more withdrawn and I turned to alcohol to ease my pain. One time my mom got mad and turned over all the furniture, broke the TV, some plates and the christmas tree leaving broken ornaments and glass on the floor for a week. One day my stepdad threatened to get his gun and kill us and said he had a dream he called me over to visit, shot me, then shot my mom then shot himself. This went on for years until I finally moved out but everytime I’d go home to visit my mom he’d say the same thing. I was verry worried for my mom all the time. Then next thing I know my family is accusing me of sleeping with my cousin. I wrecked my car and she let me use hers since we worked at the same job and my family’s first impression is I’m sleeping with her. At the time I was still a virgin and hadn’t been with anyone ever unless you count the molesting. I’m just so exhausted and it’s no matter what I do, the people I love continue to hurt me. My dad never made an attempt to see me, contact me, visit me or anything. The last time I talked to him was because he called to speak with my mom about cutting off the child support. Then he up and died and I never got a chance to meet him. On top of all of that, I have gynecomastia thats very painful. A doctor confirmed I have to get the surgery or do hormones because it’s breast tissue. I can’t exercise it away. Unfortunately, even though I told the insurance company and my doctor confirmed that not only is physical but also emotionally painful, they still wouldn’t cover the surgery so I just have to live with my chest hurting and being chaffed, raw and red unless I can come up with $6500. I just can’t deal with it all.Â I think about just ending it all because those scars are there and they hurt 🙁 I just don’t know what to do. Somedays im ok, then other days im down, but then other days I’m ready to crash my car into a tree or OD on pills. I just want to stop hurting. That’s all. I don’t like people to touch me, I don’t like others to touch me. It’s messing up my personal life. I can’t date anyone bc i get into moods where I don’t want to talk or be around anyone. I just want to be normal. :”'(