I know the knife I would use, its sharp and would do the trick.
Do I want to do it to get attention or to end the pain?
I am a mum of 3 kids, life should be rosy, but I am slowly falling into this space of ‘It would be easier f I wasn’t here’
So many things have compounded for me to be in this space that I am in.
Where so I start? We all have problems, life is not without them. But when they start to grow and each day becomes more of a burden than a blessing…Whats the point, I think I suck at being a mum, at being a wife, daughter and friend.
Everything hurts, I just want the pain to stop.
I can put on such a faÃ§ade you would not even realise I am dying on the inside.
My life is not all made up, there are enjoyable honest moments……
I have limited friends,Â I e-mailed a close friend 2 weeks agoÂ to say I missed her and that we must catch up….still waiting on a reply.Â I saw another friend on the weekend, I kindly offered a new snack I had made to which she said “oh you should return that to where ever you brought it from’ “I made it” was my reply, she just stared at me…..these comments areÂ small but they hurt.
My mumÂ is only interested in having my boys and not my girl.
She tells me my girl is hard work and draining….awesome! Thanks mum!
I love her dearly and have tried many times to tell her it hurts but she is adamant she does not want my youngest (even for an hour)Â – it cuts deeply.
My Dad watched on as his partner held me and yelled verbal abuse at me whilst I was pregnant, it was completely unprovoked and I have not seen that women for 4 years. My Dad sees me once a year (I found his actions so cowardly…but what can I say)
My brother lives 3 hours away, he is busy in his world
I don’t get breaks (just like most mums) I have a date with hubby 2 or 3 times a year if and when we can afford a sitter. I dress up for these rare occasions, my husband does not tell me I look nice. I once told him that I get low and I do have dark thoughts, he said when you do something I will take you seriously…makes it all seem worth while. I am not interested in him, I love him but I am not in-love.
I feel like I am no one, I have no one and feel very lonely and isolated.
I am tired and could do with a long sleep, I want the best for my kids but I think with all the moaning and groaning especially from my eldest child that I just can’t do it anymore…..what’s the point?
What is there to look forward to…..
Added later in the day….
I try to do things to make me feel good, I bake muffins, cheese cakes, biscuits etc and take them to people that have had a baby or are unwell. It makes me feel good giving to others, its like topping your car up with petrol…you do it regularly and it keeps you humming along.
Why is that if I had cancer I would use every ounce of my being to fight it…..and yet with depression I just want to succumb to it.
Each day is different, some days that hole is dark and welcoming other days I rarely think about it….