I’ve been up all night thinking….is today the day? Tomorrow? Tuesday? …seconds keep turning into minutes that keep turning into hours that keep turning into days that keep turning into weeks that keep turning into months that keep turning into years….Life keeps going….Its unforgiving…you miss the bus you miss the bus there is no catching it….I keep lingering and festering like an open wound exposed to germs … I hate that the sun rises signaling the end of yesterday and the beginning of today….I fucking hate that today is the future that seemed so promising 5 years ago…I turn 22 next month on the 5th and its pathetic….I can’t even celebrate a goddamn birthday! I am a broke, destitute, ugly, worthless, pathetic, dumb, self hating, low down BUM…. I haven’t had a job in a fucking YEAR…. I cant get disability because you know uncle sam says I haven’t slaved enough already for the credits required to get on it aka…I haven’t paid enough taxes ….I keep looking at old pictures as if they will take me back in time if I stare at them for hours….Im tired of wasting my moms money…I eat use water and electricity and have no job! she is taking care of a grown child…Im no man Im not strong Im WEAK…. the only reason Im not dead now is because I keep putting it off meanwhile everything is getting worse…My little sister even knows Im not normal for a person my age…No car, no assets, no license, no girlfriend or friends, no social life, and Im pretty sure she hears mostly everything my family says about me…how “crazy he is” ,how “he had all that potential and wasted it”, how “he is just lazy and doesn’t want to work”, how “he sits in the house in the attic with a hoody on in the summer” how “he rarely takes showers and brushes his teeth” (I don’t go anywhere so there is no point to a daily shower), how “he is afraid of the world”…. for the rest of my life I am tainted…”damaged goods” the type shit you examine at the store and say “hmm this is fucked up I better not buy this”…but damn it all to hell …fuck it….I won’t be around too much longer….its cool when I stop posting and commenting in the near future just know I am at peace
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I dont have “hope” anymore thats the difference between us…. I am more like hopeless….I don’t care about money and assets anymore….I couldn’t get an apartment if I wanted to because I let family members put their utility bills in my name….there is no “reason” to keep living…at least not for me anymore…suffering isn’t an investment people suffer their whole lives without it “paying off”….yea the “payoff” is death…I don’t see my future going anywhere its bleak and cloudy….the chances of my future having a drastic improvement is like flipping a coin and it landing vertically….99.99999999> says it will land horizontally aka badly…I’ve attempted suicide twice but both times I chickened out…I cant help but think had I succeeded my pain would be gone! I would be poof dead non existent ….I dont want “friends” anymore….friends don’t understand they can’t! they can only have pity for you or sympathy…they cant have empathy at least not my old ones…and Im too anti social and withdrawn to make new ones….the only social contact I have is on this site or when I comment on youtube videos thats it I don’t do FB twitter or instagram none of that nonsense….I feel like a cyst that needs to be removed….I am becoming more desperate as each day passes …..
Well, you feel this way now, but don’t you think that if your situation changed to your liking, that your mindset would slowly change as well? Like, if right now life was all you wanted it to be, you wouldn’t want to die, would you? That’s how I think of it. When life is fulfilling, nobody wants to die. Maybe, you know, if you waited it out a couple years everything could change for you. We really can never predict the future. Anything can happen.
“if” being the operative word…….”if”….it is not a guarantee only a speculation……. a hope…. a wish ….I felt that way years ago when “if” was the key word….I felt “if things change” a long time ago …anything can happen but what is most likely to actually happen? present indicators say things are headed in a downward spiral… A homeless person can pray for the best but what do they EXPECT to happen? they expect to continue to be homeless….aka hope in one hand and shit in the other see which one fills up 1st….We can predict the future but we just can’t confirm the prediction about the future all we can do is look at the present and make an educated guess at what will most likely occur…ex: If I eat fast food all the time I predict I will be fat in the future…
True, true. Still though, I know that for both of us, what we really want is for things to change. To stop being such a disappointment to ourselves and others. To feel that we have value, that our existence is worth something. And if so many do feel worthy and confident and successful, what’s to say that we LACK these abilities? Some of the most successful people in the world started out in hard times. They had low end jobs and some ended up homeless for a while. But they got out of it, and now are millionaires. That doesn’t happen to everyone, of course, but what we all need is something to make us feel that there IS a point to go on. To get through this desperation and despair and finally be able to look back and think, I’m glad that I am where I am today. And maybe this suffering will make us stronger, so that even though life might be still shitty, we won’t take it so badly and will be able to say that we’ve gotten something out of it after all.
Everyone has to die, but people don’t have to die by their own hand. Since we’re alive, why not try to seek out SOME fulfillment? Sometimes what one most needs is a sense of humor. Laugh more, and one can start to deal with the pain and pull oneself together. It’s fear that will hold you back. Fear that no matter how much you try, you’ll never succeed. I struggle with it every day. But I know I have so much potential, and I’m sure you do too. It’s overcoming that fear that can be the first step. Realizing that just because you didn’t met your first expectations doesn’t mean you CAN’T create new goals. Because you can. As long as a person is alive and able to think, they can change their situation. Nothing is ever too bad that it can never change. It just might need a lot of effort, that WILL be worth it.
I appreciate your “pep talk” but we see things from two different standpoints….Of course I don’t want to feel this way or be in this state but I am….The best way to explain my whole situation without details is the snowball effect…Yes some people have been homeless and became millionaires….but lets be real the percentage of those individuals are drastically lower than those that ended up homeless….and remained homeless….What works for certain people won’t work for others…
Yes everyone has to die….but does the way they die matter?….If I have to get somewhere does it matter than I took a plane,walked, or a car? nope….In the end I reached the destination one way is just faster than the others… and its not about “seeking fulfillment” at this point….I fucking HATE myself…I don’t love myself at all period….what happens when you live with a different person you truly hate? you despise them you loathe them you want them gone! out! away!…..so imagine when that person…..is yourself….then what?..Im not even stable…I can’t think about step “D” when Im not pass “A”…that makes no sense…and look around you not everyone is considered “successful” they are just considered mediocre …I didn’t meet my 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or 4th set of expectations I should expect to meet the 5th? thats logical? no its ridiculous…Past indicators say I am a failure…. Some things people can’t change….I can’t just will myself out of depression….I cant will myself into not having these fucking feelings of shame, guilt, self hatred, sadness hopelessness, and thoughts of suicide …I cant will myself out of having low self esteem….I’m broken…. Trying to get somewhere to me is like putting me on a treadmill and putting it on maximum speed….Yeah I’m giving a lot of effort but I’m going NOWHERE fast……
You know 5 years ago I thought college was the way to success …but slowly my eyes were opened to the truth….the truth about college is if you aren’t getting a full scholarship or your parents don’t have the money to actually pay then its a catch 22…Yes you will get educated but whats is the trade off?…..when you borrow student loans that money has to be paid back period…with interest and you can’t get rid of it by bankruptcy…Now people say “but you will have a well paying job right out of college so it doesn’t matter” but is this the truth? 9 times out of 10 you won’t get a job fresh out of graduation….why? because of the principles of supply and demand….. 1 job is 1 job…. and it remains one job and requires one person to fill it….now remember EVERY year a new supply of workers enter the job force….so jobs will be occupied by those workers and workers from previous years that graduated….If you’ve seen the news lately you know jobs are disappearing at an alarming rate…not only is labor being outsourced overseas but companies aren’t hiring as frequently….so every year thousands of students earn a degree and look for work that is disappearing….Too many workers not enough jobs….the surplus of workers are pushed into menial jobs which don’t pay a lot….now you have this huge student loan debt with a low wage job…that money accrues interest and the penalties for not paying that debt are that you’ll be liable for the costs associated with collecting your loan, including court costs and attorney fees, You can be sued for the entire amount of your loan, wages may be garnished, tax refunds may be intercepted, The federal government may withhold part of your Social Security benefit payments, Your defaulted loans will appear on your credit history for up to 7 years after the default claim is paid, making it difficult for you to obtain an auto loan, mortgage, or even credit cards…. A bad credit record can also harm your ability to find a job, You may not be able to renew a professional license you hold and of course, you will still owe the full amount of your loan….that is bullshit…outright bullshit…I don’t believe in the “american dream” because I am awake…
I don’t hold it against people for not understanding me anymore because they can’t relate or have the ability to…they can’t have empathy only sympathy and pity…I don’t have any friends anymore and quite frankly I like it that way rather than a bunch of people who think you’re crazy and gossiping about you to others… but as for not liking yourself? I’m way past “not liking” …I hate myself….there is no love for my self in me…. you can dislike someone but love them….no I dislike and hate myself…There isn’t a single attribute about myself that I value or hold in high regard…Self hatred is a dangerous thing….its the foundation on why I will kill myself…I wasn’t meant to exist I was an accident like most births are….Rarely does a child come into this world that was planned for by the parents….usually our parents were BF and GF and the facts of life just happened thats why many of our fathers only pay child support and we rarely see them or even know them….anyway sorry for the long comment just had to get that out
A long time ago (or maybe not /that/ long ago), there weren’t enough people to do all the things. Now there are too many people, and not enough things that need lots of people to do, and not enough resources to sustain everyone.
I feel your pain dude.
But i think you might need to consider the fact that college, despite being a huge and largely arbitrary indoctrination process, and only available to so many of us through an overwhelming debt… might actually be the only way to have a chance to “succeed.”
You’ll need to acquire resources somehow, and without college, our options are very limited. I was thinking, just a while ago, about which options were even still available to me. Without professional training, without the fitness level required to sustain labor employment, without some sort of marketable specialized knowledge… it’s either settle for a method that barely provides survival and locks you into being unable to advance… or it’s something involving huge risks, to even have a chance to enable adequate rewards.
So yeah, while being in debt and having your credit ruined does indeed suck… you would at least have a chance at a good job that’s capable of affording you to pay off that debt and advance in life. Without that, what chance is there? Gambling? Becoming an organized crime boss, whose life could end at any moment?
The way i see it is, if you think you’re fucked already, you might as well roll the dice and see what happens. Maybe you’ll get to the place where you have a chance to get to a better place. If you don’t try, you’re stuck where you are.
I agree. The world sucks, and most people don’t “get it.” But since we can’t fix the past, and we can’t enable a future we’d actually want, without committing to certain pursuits… the best choice is probably to just go nuts with it, and try to make something happen. On the other hand, i can totally understand the overwhelming feeling that it’s all just futile, and that the chance of successfully traversing the “gauntlet,” is just so low, that it seems like a sure-thing that it won’t work out.
Just think about it. If you already want to kill yourself anyway, then why not roll the dice and stop worrying about whether you win or lose? I suppose if you lose, then it might feel like someone else, or the world itself, making that choice for you, instead of choosing it yourself. But as you can see, the world has already chosen… but you’re still here, and you can still decide to roll the dice as many more times as you can. Maybe something good will happen for you.