I have one more year left of school, that’s all I really have to get through.
I also have one more year left of the two years I gave myself to not kill myself for.
Over this past year I’ve become less suicidal, now I’m just more bitter and angry and filled with hatred. Just not so much with myself. I just hate my situation as it is now, I hate my friends more than anything.
I hate them.
One more year.
That’s all.
One more year of hating all of my friends and trying not to kill myself.
I don’t think many people understand what it’s like to hate all of your friends. It is horrible and lonely and just makes you increasingly angry and bitter and unhappy.
Months ago we booked tickets to see Rocky Horror next week and recently we all started talking for the first time all summer and it reminded me of how much I hate them all, now I really really don’t want to go. I hate them.
People make out like it’s easy to make new friends. It isn’t. It isn’t easy to make new friends when you have no ‘hobbies’ to joining clubs for and you’ve been at the same horrible school for six years and you still have one more year left to go. Everyone already has their friends and things won’t change at all now, no new friends for anybody. Just the same. We’re all just stuck. I am particularly stuck. I hate them.
One more year.
If I work really really hard and concentrate hugely on school for this last year I can get into a good university far, far away and leave forever. Leave behind my awful, selfish, annoying, childish, stupid, thoughtless, mean friends forever. I need to get out.
That’s something I realised, that instead of killing myself I just need to move away.
And I can move away.
In a year.
I just hope I can wait that long.
3 comments
Hope things work out for you!
If you hate them….why do you call them friends? It seems unhealthy to be around people that you dislike….what good can come from it? It is hard to make new friends I agree with you on that but you don’t necessarily need them. If this is your last year you will graduate and go to a university far away like you said then you might make new ones there….and you may not realize it now but a year goes by much quicker than you think.
There not really your friends if you hate them so much.. u dont need them. sometimes being lonley isnt that bad anyways. I spent my junior and senior year like that. & if i did talk people we were never close. Its just one year focus on school & dont give a fuck about what anyone else is doing. It better to be alone then in bad company