I have so many thoughts in my head right now that I can feel the weight of them pushing me down. There is so much going on at one time in my life right now that I don’t know how to sort it all out or how to even begin to deal with it. First there is all my friends leaving; I knew this was coming but for some reason in my sick and twisted world I had made myself believe that I had so much time to say goodbye and that summer was just going to last forever and no one was really going to leave. Now that I’ve said goodbye to my best friend, it’s clear that I was not ready for this at all. The thought of everyone making new friends and forgetting all about me keeps creeping into my mind and gives me mad anxiety. Also my parents have been really on my case lately. They keep forcing me to talk to them, and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. They tell me I can trust them and I can open up to them, but if I say something they don’t want to hear then they lose their cool and just rail me and tell me how much I fucked up. I had a feeling that they were talking about me and discussing the way I’ve been lately, but I tried giving them the benefit of the doubt that they wouldn’t act so immature as to talk about me behind my back. But tonight I found out (from my grandfather) that’s true and they figured if they were super tough on me then things would change. They don’t seem to realize that they can’t just go from super laid back and care free to the Inquisition over night…especially when they do it to someone who is severely depressed. It just solidifies my feelings that no matter what I do for them it will never be good enough and I’ll always be a disappointment in their minds. I so want to leave and forget about this whole fucked up life here. I don’t think I can stay here much longer. I need to get away and experience new things and have my faith in this world restored. I know there are so many things out there for me, just waiting for me, and I have no way of getting to them. I’m starting to come to terms with staying here for a while, and I kind of found my purpose for staying. And it’s my little sister. She starts high school tomorrow, and I know how freaked out she is. When I started high school it was right around the time my parents split up and I remember how much it helped to be able to talk to my older sister during such a big change. So I’m just going to try and be here for her and make sure that she doesn’t end up as fucked up as the rest of this family. I don’t think I would ever tell her, but right now she’s the only thing that’s keeping me from taking a razor to my wrists and ending it all. And actually writing that down and admitting it makes me so sad, but it’s true and now I’m crying too hard to continue this post anymore.
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6 comments
I hope you feel better soon <3
Thanks, here’s to hoping!
Hey,
Your little sister is lucky to have a good person like you as a sibling. Being depressed and having your parents denye it or harp on you for being that way, is very tough. I know what it is like.
If you want to talk to me, you can. I will listen and not judge.
My email is brl.cents@gmail.com
It’s ok to cry.
I wish to send you a song I wrote, if that is ok. Just email when you can.
🙂
I’ll get on emailing you right away 🙂 I love new music and stuff!
I don’t think you should worry too much about your friends forgetting about you – I literally moved halfway around the world for uni, but I’m still really close to my friends from high school. Email and facebooking about random things helped a lot.
Yeah, my parents went through really drastic phases with my depression too; they blew me off at first, then got really inquisition-like (as you say), then I guess they got tired and left off again. I know it’s a really frustrating position to be in, but please don’t believe that they’re doing this on purpose to upset you or because they think you’re a disappointment. I think often parents are just shocked and upset that their kids are going through a tough time, and when they insist that you try to be “normal” it’s because they want you to be “happy [like normal people]” more than anything. It took a long time for me to “get” it – my mum used to be really tough on me and get incredibly upset when I showed any sign of depression, but now I think that was just because she’d been depressed herself and wanted to deny that I was going through the same thing. Granted, it’s not the best or most constructive way of expressing concern, but bear in mind that if they love you, they’re probably also hurting a lot *for you* right now.
That said, I actually think moving away might be good for a while; I was much better mentally at uni just because I was less stressed about having to pretend to be okay 24/7. Meeting new people is also good, because they don’t necessarily know you’ve been depressed and often won’t perceive the depression as such a large part of you as you probably believe it is. That sounds like they’re being callous, but it can be quite refreshing/helpful to see yourself differently.
Sorry for this being rambly, I just feel like I’ve been in a similar position and hoped I could help. Really admire your efforts to be a good sister!
I saw your post about the CVS interview – I hope you get the job! 🙂
Thanks! I’m kinda understanding that my parents just want whats best for me and they don’t really know how to handle this situation. But you hit the nail on the head when you said how frustrating this could be…I’m just looking to the future and looking for ways to get out of here even if it is for a couple months.