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starving for affection

by blindaudio

My home life really isn’t as bad as some here. But, I’m not going to say it is spactacular, because I would not be telling the truth.

But at home, there is always conflicts. People are always unhappy. And if I want to talk to anyone in my family about my feelings of depression or emptiness or loneliness, they get shoved asside. When I went to the mental home last year and my parents found I was suicidal, it was more like, you’re turning your back on god, or, how could you be so selfish?

I never want to be a greedy person or selfish, so that hurt a lot. I would do anything to be sure people around me were happy. I’m not always the most generous with food, I’ll be it, but with anything else, yeah, I try. But anyways, at home, it is like, why didn’t you do this, or is this done, or you can do better. And I can’t tell anyone about my issues because they will just ignore them, or tell me I should not feel the way I do.

School has just started a few days ago for me. And that’s ok, I guess. It’s slightly better than being at home, but it is the same. Except for, I got really noone there. This time, last year, I was suicidal because I had a friend who I thought was leaving me, now I’d rather just leave this world, because it feels like I really don’t have many people at all.

I go to school, talk to some people in my classes, but at the end of the day, I am still alone, like always. I used to be able to talk to people and ask if they would like to hang or something, and after so many times of me making the calls and nothing happening, I’ve kind of just given up on trying to make any friends. The people I have put my issues and stuff on have their own lives, and I have to respect that, so I don’t say much to them anymore.

So long story short, I feel I am starving for affection. I would like someone, just anyone, in my real life or whatever, just to talk to about anything. Not like me for my music abilities, or for my athletics, but rather, like me and love me for me. For if I had that, I’d give all the little money I have, for that person. I want to just talk about life, not about my rants, or their depressing stuff but just about stuff in general. I’m tired of being the one who calls people to talk or just chill, and it’s a don’t have time, or no response. I don’t want to burden people, so I have just not tried much lately.

I do try not to wallow in all this, and keep myself busy with life, but at the end of the day, it seems to just catch up with me again.

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13 comments

nothoughts 8/26/2013 - 11:24 pm

I know what you mean. I have a good family, and my problems aren’t exactly yours, but I never feel like I’m enough. My friends are good people but I just feel alone all the time. Music and books help occasionally, but sometimes nothing does.

RareHumanSpecies 8/26/2013 - 11:30 pm

I don’t have any friends. I don’t talk to my family, I never have only when I was little. I always message my “friends” on facebook and I see that they have read the message, and they never reply. Literally every single one of them do that. So I deleted facebook, and now just sit in my dark room, scared of the mice and cockroaches that are infesting my house. Being dead must be the life huh?

nothoughts 8/26/2013 - 11:37 pm

I don’t think being dead is the life… I have thought about it but in the long run wouldn’t it just be better to see where life takes you until it really does get so unbearable that the pain is overtaking you.

people_do_care 8/27/2013 - 2:34 am

It’s always nice to be able to vent or rant even if its to a complete stranger

hopefuldreamer 9/2/2013 - 5:29 pm

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered. Basically if any of you feel like you’re not getting any love just know this to give love you must give it and not for your own personal gain either

clevername 9/2/2013 - 5:37 pm

“to give love you must give it and not for your own personal gain either”

contradiction

youareloved15 9/2/2013 - 5:43 pm

You shouldnt be alone, no one should ever be alone! Ill be your friend, I know what its like to be on your own but you don’t deserve that! Kik me @ lovedalways16………I would really like to ger to know you

hopefuldreamer 9/2/2013 - 6:24 pm

sorry *to get love you must give it*

clevername 9/2/2013 - 6:28 pm

still a contradiction.

to begin with “to get love…” means that whatever follows is “about getting love.”

To “get” love, someone must give it to you, and whether that person gives you love, is their choice.

Lots of people receive love they have not earned, despite what they have not given.

clevername 9/2/2013 - 6:31 pm

I actually didn’t even notice the typo at first.

clevername 9/2/2013 - 6:42 pm

No one is obligated to return any love they receive. In order to receive it, someone must choose to give it. In order to give it, one must have it, to give.

There is a lot of debate over whether it’s possible to “make” someone love you back… and i don’t believe it is, but i think enough people want to believe it, that many choose to do so.

And so they take action toward influencing the person from whom they want to receive love, and i would estimate that it is often either unsuccessful, or results in a temporary illusion of being “loved” by that person, who soon realizes that it is not genuine, but is rather a product of being influenced by persons in their environment. However, some take years to realize this, and by that time, they are so heavily invested in a relationship, that they are afraid and disinclined toward abandoning what they’ve built, and having to try to find someone else and start over.

hopefuldreamer 9/2/2013 - 10:28 pm

Hey I didn’t love in a romantic sense you know?, I’m talking in general like to your family members alright no relationships

clevername 9/2/2013 - 10:44 pm

Love aims to do what is right, even if that is not in the self’s best-interests, even if it is not reciprocated or appreciated.

People like to say “love is blind,” but i don’t think that’s right. I think it’s more about acceptance, and appreciating who a person is, with all their flaws, even if that appreciation is not returned.

But humans make mistakes, and will often do things that lots of people will swear love should prevent… but they’re wrong. A human who loves, is not therefore infallible. Even the most genuinely loving person can make hurtful or harmful mistakes… but that doesn’t mean the love they feel, or the value they perceive in a person, is any less than before.

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