My home life really isn’t as bad as some here. But, I’m not going to say it is spactacular, because I would not be telling the truth.
But at home, there is always conflicts. People are always unhappy. And if I want to talk to anyone in my family about my feelings of depression or emptiness or loneliness, they get shoved asside. When I went to the mental home last year and my parents found I was suicidal, it was more like, you’re turning your back on god, or, how could you be so selfish?
I never want to be a greedy person or selfish, so that hurt a lot. I would do anything to be sure people around me were happy. I’m not always the most generous with food, I’ll be it, but with anything else, yeah, I try. But anyways, at home, it is like, why didn’t you do this, or is this done, or you can do better. And I can’t tell anyone about my issues because they will just ignore them, or tell me I should not feel the way I do.
School has just started a few days ago for me. And that’s ok, I guess. It’s slightly better than being at home, but it is the same. Except for, I got really noone there. This time, last year, I was suicidal because I had a friend who I thought was leaving me, now I’d rather just leave this world, because it feels like I really don’t have many people at all.
I go to school, talk to some people in my classes, but at the end of the day, I am still alone, like always. I used to be able to talk to people and ask if they would like to hang or something, and after so many times of me making the calls and nothing happening, I’ve kind of just given up on trying to make any friends. The people I have put my issues and stuff on have their own lives, and I have to respect that, so I don’t say much to them anymore.
So long story short, I feel I am starving for affection. I would like someone, just anyone, in my real life or whatever, just to talk to about anything. Not like me for my music abilities, or for my athletics, but rather, like me and love me for me. For if I had that, I’d give all the little money I have, for that person. I want to just talk about life, not about my rants, or their depressing stuff but just about stuff in general. I’m tired of being the one who calls people to talk or just chill, and it’s a don’t have time, or no response. I don’t want to burden people, so I have just not tried much lately.
I do try not to wallow in all this, and keep myself busy with life, but at the end of the day, it seems to just catch up with me again.