At the risk of identifying myself to anyone who knows me..
I had a woman come up to me a couple weeks ago and casually,comfortably,awkwardly tell me that she had followed me off a city bus a couple years ago in a snowstorm after exchanging smiles. To clarify, she was beautiful in the way that i like. The whole experience was so wholly unexpected…. thatÂ I honestly questioned whether or not i had imagined it
Kind of sobering.. I found it easier to believe that i had suddenly become delusional enough to imagine this.. than it actually happening.
So she asked me if i remembered her… If i knew that she was there. To my delight, I reacted to the situation in the same way that most people would react to being mugged. Shock, fear and confusion. All stemming from her interest, rather than the method with which she expressed it. The stalking was charming as was her bashful way of being unable to look me in the eye. So naturally I told her no and continued to stare at her blankly until she left.
I’m a charmer.
Though it gets better..
She approached me at her job, so i had an idea of where she’d be for the next week or so. Resolved that i’d hate myself if I let this unexpected gift pass me by..Â I set about running into her again. Not easy in that we both worked the same shift.. but eventually i got there…Â only to find out that she had intended her confession as only that. She was with someone and hadn’t intended it as a come on.. merely a compliment.
So to set the stage.. imagine waiting in the wings, for this person to have a free moment at work. All the while, your brain is fighting against you being there with a litany of abuse. Forcing yourself to approach her and already part of your mind has recognized, processed and interpreted her expression as being less than encouraging. Doubt creeps in but momentum drags you on.. arms clasping, hugging yourself.. the definition of confidence . Words start slipping out, you select randomly from the thousands of phrases you’ve gone over within the past week… whispering barely audibly.. praying that you don’t have to repeat yourself.Â and finally.. finally understanding and rejection.
To actually get to the point where i asked her out was surprising..Â I know i’m kind of broken but having it glaringly made plain is unpleasant.Â On the rare occasion when i date.. it’s because i’m approached and i manage to fight down my instincts.
My human interpreter-friend-therapist said it was a step forward and that i should just let it go but… it haunts me. The whole thing.. I spent a week fighting all my instincts and letting myself hope that a relationship was possible..Â and then probably another week desperately trying to distract myself from my emotional turmoil with physical pain.. (exercise, not actual damage. yay) but most frustrating is that the whole thing was.. interesting. My brain can’t let it go.. I can tell myself it was done as a joke.. done out of pity…Â That my nature discouraged her..Â but some voice keeps asking questions. It’s sad really…
I liked her.. or rather the idea of her.. i liked hope.