Â Â Sometimes I can’t stand to see my own reflection.Â I can’t seem to see that the person in the mirror is me. I try to not look but when I do I suddenly break down, the world crashes around me. I am unable to do what I normally would which is distance myself from everyone and fade away into my own place. It feels like everyone is screaming at me. I hate screaming or loud noises.. I really do they make me un-believably scared. I am forced to see reality, the cruel truth of everything. I normally can’t handle it. Once I smashed a mirror with my bare hands, luckily no one was home. My mom pretended not to notice my wrapped hand.Â Other times I begin fiercely writing words on the mirror, that I have ever been called or think I am.
Â There are times where I don’t think I deserve to live… I use ether a razor or a pocket knife. They are normally not so deep and only bleed for awhile, no one has ever said anything. They could see it. I know that look in their eyes when they see it,Â and decision flash in their head. Most of the time they decide not to say anything. From my teachers to my family. Sometimes my sister would pull on my long sleeves and joke but she looked like she was going to cry. So I stopped. I still slip but it’s rarely, and I got rid of all my razors. One time I even tried to even hang myself, but I had no clue how to do itÂ so it didn’t work. If you ever met me you would never think I am like this I swear. I am one of the brightest random food loving people ever, I will always have a smile and joke about everything. The only time you think otherwise is whenÂ I zone out and my friends will ask me if I’m okay.Â I guess my expression is quite grim even though I never seen it my friends tell me I look like I’m about to cry… You know what I have cried I school once in my life. It was right after a bad incident where my older brother almost died. I was talking at lunch then suddenly I could breath I walked calmly to the bathroom, which was luckily empty. I cried for about ten minutes, splashed water on my face. No one said anything who would when I had such a big smile? My best friend looked like she was going to say something but she just smiled. Later on when we were alone I told her I cried. All she said was “I know” and started talking about her weekend.After I tried to take a bunch of Tylenol, nothing much happened other than massive vomiting.
Â Â Often I wonder if people even care what’s under that smile.From a young age I learned I just need to get good grades and smile. So that;s what I do. They never say anything. Nor have I. One thing I Â think that’s to selfish to ask for. is… I wish their was at least one person. Who would always see through me and will always be next to me and actually care for the real me….