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Well I figure there’s about a 15% chance that I die tonight.

by cyanidesofmarch

Sleeping pills never work, I know that from experience. But I’m trying some new and powerful shit tonight. I’m taking them slowly so I don’t barf, mixed with whatever else I can find. I won’t die from it, but the 15% chance I referred to in my title is the chance that I’ll get to the point, through delirium and lack of inhibitions, that I’ll take a carving knife and start sawing away. Or start violently hurling myself against this window until it shatters and sends me 7 floors onto the pavement. And yes, I know falls of less than 8 floors are rarely fatal, but the glass on my neck, knife in my gut and pills in my blood might just increase my chances of hitting the jackpot.

85% chance that I’ll just wake up with an awful headache and more exacerbated liver damage to supplement what I’ve already got going. But oh we can dream of that other fifteen. Night all

PS to the moderators, I notice you or someone have been deleting my posts. Who knows why; maybe I get too explicit in my methods or descriptions. Feel free to delete this as well, this post certainly didnt help me any

13 comments
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13 comments

fried egg 8/16/2013 - 7:09 pm

75% IS good. Hold on..!!!

clevername 8/16/2013 - 7:33 pm

Maybe you’ll just get that wonderful “must bed now” feeling, and have some nice dreams, and wake up feeling refreshed and slightly euphoric.

You know… “maybe…”

Persephone 8/16/2013 - 8:00 pm

If you wake up… I hope you’ll be okay and won’t have to deal with any harmful after effects. I like you, you’re a great poster.

cyanidesofmarch 8/16/2013 - 9:01 pm

Thanks gang. CN, we can always hope. But the pills seem to be making me more & more agitated. Well furious is a better word. If the fury turns inward I’ll end up mutilating the living crap out of myself. Or I may pass out first who knows.. Probably just pass out knowing my luck. Well there’s always a chance I’ll barf in my sleep and end that way. Glorious.

I’m just so sick of fighting against the current. Time to just drown already

imonlyaman 8/16/2013 - 9:08 pm

weather forecast tonight shows a 15% chance of death and profound regret. glad to see that you posted again man. keep it going. day after grueling day just keep stepping forward brah.

RealTalk30 8/16/2013 - 9:31 pm

You’re such a caring and smart person. I can’t believe what I’m reading. I know you must have your reasons but I wish that you’d think a bit more before seriously hurting yourself like this. It seems senseless in a way..knowing that you have less of a chance at dying this way.

I hope you will be ok

FaultInOurStars 8/16/2013 - 10:44 pm

Stay strong dude don’t die.
Life is hard but we all have to face it
I know you have potential
Keep your head high please

Jombo 8/16/2013 - 11:55 pm

You know man, all of us on this site
We share all a common thought and pain
I come here everyday, and people I read in here, we all feel them
We feel you
Don’t die man.. this is home here
I sincerely wish you stay

cyanidesofmarch 8/18/2013 - 11:19 am

Oh my god thank you all. This may sound pathetic, but you’ve given me the first solid good feeling in weeks, months.

I lived. I was out cold for almost 24 hrs and currently feel like half my skull is charcoal but I lived.

There’s blood all over my hands but I don’t think it was on purpose. My guess is I was thrashing around and sliced myself on some piece of furniture. I don’t know if any of you have ever experienced this (sadly I think a few of you have) but it’s a very miserable feeling to wake up in your own blood and have to clean it up. And when it’s all clean you realize nobody will ever know, and you just went through another pointless exercise :/

But seriously, coming here and seeing that I’m NOT the only one who gives a damn helped. Thanks again, I do really need this site.

Persephone 8/18/2013 - 5:10 pm

I just noticed this now. I’d been worried about you, and I’m glad you survived! We like having you around. The site wouldn’t be the same without you, mate.

cyanidesofmarch 8/18/2013 - 6:19 pm

Thanks P. I really enjoy talking with you and so many other SPers. Although I can’t say it’s good to be back in the world, at least it’s good to be back at SP :s

Procel 8/18/2013 - 6:26 pm

Just saw this man, im glad to hear your still here, but sorry to hear you both tried and failed, i love the paradox of here, we love your here despite we all want to die. hope you start to recover man, place would be so much smaller without you!

Aayla 8/18/2013 - 6:38 pm

I’m glad you’re ok. I think this group helps, however things pan. I’m really glad you weren’t in that percentage.

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