Honestly, I’m scared. I’m scared of everything because since March I have been trying to find ways to get by. I’ve used every goddamn coping skill you could think of. All of them and sure they relieve how I feel but it doesnt change it in the long run. I was stupid when I tried to die. I was supposed to jump. That was my plan initially, but I got fucking scared of being stopped, being seen, so I found an alternative. I should’ve known it wouldn’t work. I should’ve thought of what would happen afterwards. I admit since going to the hospital I enjoy certain activities a little more, but I still want to fucking die. The one reason I haven’t in the past 11 days since i’ve been back home is because of something my girlfriend said when she was fucking manic. She said if I killed myself, I am being selfish. Because She and other people would feel and carry the pain I cause them for the rest of their lives. It’d be my fault they hurt.
I just want her and the doctor and the therapist and everyone else to know that every breath i take feels poisonous. I feel like the air we all breathe is harming me. I can feel the way it fills up my lungs and does nothing but stays there. Growing more and more powerful and cancerous. I feel like im being eaten away from the inside. And soon I won’t even know who I am anymore.
I just want them to know that this air, is driving me closer to insanity every day and one day, I’ll have nothing else to do but give in to it. I will be a monster and no one could save me then. I know their intentions are good, but so are mine. It’s not selfish. It’s something that I need to do, for myself. It’s something that has to happen to prevent the disease called life from driving me crazy.
I rather be dead, than be crazy.
1 comment
I don’t care what anybody has to say about it being selfish. How is exercising your will over your own life selfish? Your pain is your pain they don’t share that. Its considerably more selfish to try and guilt trip someone into living because they want to protect their own feelings. Its not fair to the person who goes through life everyday in the same desperate and despicable state yet they continue to suffer for the sake of not making someone unhappy for a while. Yes they will be hurt but just like any other death they will move on and forget about it….people die by murder, disease, poison, acciedents, natural disaters, wars and natural causes everyday and if people can get over that then they can get over suicide as well its only because society has stigmatized us as “crazy and irrational” that suicide is considered “taboo”….I won’t be swayed by it. When I end my life I will be happy the second this life is over and if people are upset then Im sorry but just like they are looking out for themselves and their feelings I have to consider mine as well