I’m writing it all because I need it, I know you’re the only people who could understand on this site.
It’s funny how much it takes to suffer a living hell to understand what life really is. How happy people with everything you want doesn’t know shit about life and just tell you to be positive. I was a normal kid, average happy with nice family and a best friends in the ‘popular’ girls you know. In 6th grade my friends were leaving me one by one and the next year I would be entering high school alone. In this summer I discovered I was gay and I did a depression. I started to look online about suicide and methods to do it, I thought about writing a letter and who would miss me but then the school started and I was curious to see how it would be, I even found a reason to live; I wanted love. Everyone gets someone in high school you know small couples , first relation. In those years, I had a lot of hard situation with harsh depression. I have fell in love with a girl, but it was at first sigh and I was to scared to talk to her and I didn’t know if she was gay and during the summer she moved away and I never saw her again I was so broken I couldn’t even see anyone it was like I was also gone. I want to die for 4 years know. I really do, I wish there would be some temporary suicide so I could kill myself to have a break. I still want love, that’s why I don’t go but one day it’s gonna be too much and I may pass over what I want to make the pain stop.. I had some crushs I tried so much to make things work but nothing ever works and if a girl seems interested she will be running away in the next weeks. I always hate myslef, there’s something wrong everyone knows it. I’m not like all of them, i’m so fucked up by life. My friends tell me that I’m beautifull and they don’t know why nobody ever liked me but I know why. I’m not good enough. Not stable enough. I would have to hide all those years of depression to not make a girl run away but I don’t feel honest. I cry every day for years, I cry when I see a couple, when I see a somewhat cute scene between two person in a comercial. It’s pathetic, I hate me so much I punch me in the face sometime when I see how I look on the mirror. Fix me. Cut me. Here I am, doing a 4 years depression, going between wanted to die but being to ***** to do it, being at the fucking highess level of mental pain, or being inhumanly empty. I want to be loved… is it so hard? why is everyone having someone, having their first kiss, first time. Having many ex and relations and i’m still in my bed every night of this damn life cring myself to sleep hopeless and wondering what is wrong with me, will i ever have the only damn thing i want that makes me die a little more everday, will all of this end one day? Cutting and punching myself hoping to get attention from the life that has forget to give me the love that they all have. I don’t fucking want to be on medication, I want life to stop giving me shit not fake-happiness in pills. It does not gets better fuck this shit. I wish one day I will be strong enough to suicide.
I’m sorry for the long post.
2 comments
i hear you. i am tired of listening to friends’ advice. i try, but it just never works for me. likewise most people i know seem to be in one relationship after another, yet my history is more like one horror story after another. there’s nothing wrong with me that i’m aware of. i’m rejected by most people i like, and i reject most people who like me. then people say i need to give people a chance. so i do, only to be screwed over again and end up regretting my decision.
surely happiness is out there for us? after all these bad days, it’s like we are owed some good days, but for me those good days just never come.
trying to hang in there. best of luck to you.
I was going to comment here earlier, but ended up going off on a tangent and deleting it.
“It’s funny how much it takes to suffer a living hell to understand what life really is. How happy people with everything you want doesn’t know shit about life and just tell you to be positive.”
This really resonates with me. I have felt exactly this way, more often than i care to remember.
And like embargo said: “i am tired of listening to friends’ advice.”
At some point it becomes quite clear that almost all the “advice” i’ve ever received, has been incompatible with my life, not applicable to my circumstances, and issued by people who have no idea about my struggles, because they have never encountered them.
You can’t reasonably expect people to understand what they have not experienced.
Much of the art of coping with life, is learning how to form reasonably accurate expectations… learning how to accurately anticipate the obstacles you may encounter… learning how to prepare for the requirement to adapt to something you can’t control or avoid…
And many of these things are not only rarely taught, but are not widely understood. Some of this is even blatantly disregarded as false… and so the tools to deal with certain (or uncertain) things, are not even available to so many of the people who would need them.