confused and angry just want it all done

Im numb now… no not numb exactly…I have forgiven him all the shit that went down… an addiction is a nasty thing and he is seeking help. has a specialist who deals with the sexual addiction may be going to a inpatient facility for a while… I forgave him (mostly some days it is hard though to remember that) .. now it is just the life with him.. my life ..
Im not sure I want it any more.. not just the life with him but any life.. well obviously im on here it has been like that for a while.
but Im not happy and I do not think I ever will be.
He dosnt think he can ever give me what I need… (to physically desire me) a sex addict and he cant even find it in himself to feel lust for me! WOW Irony how I Love you so! Im tired of feeling like a awful person. I look at the children I have with him and there is a sick sick part of myself that thinks.. I should not have had them. that I conceived them because of lies and deceit and I wish I did not have to raise them and I could just walk away. But I love them so much.. that when those thoughts come I feel like a monster.
I have kept fighting to work on us to be together.. and now… I think im done… 15 years for this?
it is way to much to deal with any more…
should there have been some kind of gratefulness at my willingness to stay to try to work on things? to try and forgive?
so so so so done…
I pray when I do if I do ever get the courage to do this… to just end… that he alone has to deal with all of it..