So I finally succumbed to the need to vent on this site.
From time to time I’ve been checking it. There’s lots of posts that I sympathize with.
I understand the need of some to be completely alone and away from useless people, and although loneliness is not healthy: still better than dealing with people that stink.
I understand that some have tried and tried thinking that their lives will get better but in fact only got worse.
I understand those that have trouble dealing with this world as it is.
I think that I understand the depression, the ennui, the love pangs, the family conflicts, the wasting time with nonsense jobs.
I think I understand the crave for death.
I am at a point where I really hate myself, and this world.
My body is full of tension, my heart hurts, my legs feel heavier than normal, I sometimes shake and feel cold.
Tension and tension. Too much tension in this thirty something-year-old body.
Think I’m older though.
First time I thought about suicide was around 14 years old. As typical in my life, I was feeling lonely and disconnected, not belonging in.
Several times throughout the years I thought heavily on it. But I tried somewhat to move ahead and oh well…
What do I have today?
I became unemployed (I quit, i could not stand some things anymore) so the clock is ticking in terms of money, and that’s actually important. When you think about suicide when you’re young you may not have that pressure. Unfortunately one needs money, although that never really made much sense to me (my father once told me around 18 to get in my thick head once and for all that life is about making money and that I should stop thinking infantile stuff…)
I don’t have a single friend (yes not even one), the last time I’ve been with a girl was a long time ago (always heartache), I don’t believe in gods, I don’t believe in the world, I don’t believe in justice, I don’t believe in myself…
I don’t know what to do, there’s no motivation, nothing makes sense: no meaning in anything…
A painful void.
I have nothing to fight for.
Nonetheless I’m still having trouble admitting to myself that it’s over and there’s no going back from the hole I got myself into. Because I also have made some horrendous mistakes (or so I feel…).
I guess money has to run out completely so that I can have the final guts, the big balls, the unstoppable testicles of doom.
No effort whatsoever to find a new job and it’s not like I have a proper resume and skills to find one in the current market. Most of the jobs are just nonsense that I can’t stand, anyway.
Too much tension and depressing thoughts. I want to completely forget myself…
There’s music, some good books, a nice sunset in the woods…
I hate everything else. The resentment is incredible.
A world dominated by irrational, unscrupulous greed and psycho corporations with more rights than us.
Low wage slavery, the dumbing down, the surveillance, the isolation of the individual in the community, bread and circus in the works, animal and plant extinction, nature intoxicated with oil, higher values and culture as things of caves…
This mixture of 1984 and Brave New World and stupidity…
I can’t stand it, I can’t stand it!
My body aches and I’m so sad…
3 comments
I understand the feeling mainly because we have many of them in common.
I just thought I should point out something.
People only stink if you get close enough to them! Why not try and keep relationships simple and be a little distant? People ‘stink’ because they make you feel bad about yourself. Stop living as an image in other people’s minds. It’s very hard I know, most people do not even realize that probably the most important thing in their lives is how they ‘appear’ to other people.
If you don’t expect anything from anyone, then no one can really ‘stink’.
It seems hard but possible.
Learn to be at peace with yourself before you can be at peace with others, you do not ‘need’ other people.
Wow, damn, I related to this post so much. Welcome to SP, watch out, don’t catch The Crazy, it seems to be an epidemic here 😉
Yes, the physical symptoms of depression are crushing and defeating. Along with being physically in pain, fatigue is a major effect which decimates any resolve to attempt to get better even if I were able to culture a small one at all. I used to really hate the world, but it was really only a projection of the hatred I feel for myself. Self hatred has ruined my life and continues to do so, I can empathize so hard. The only way to get out of self hatred is to create a platform that you can build upon. This foundation can be an amalgamation of anything, from interests you want to pursue, to talents you have (everyone has them, don’t fucking lie to me and say you don’t have any 😉 ) or qualities that you can appreciate in yourself (I realize that’s the hardest of the three, I have trouble naming even 1 thing I like about myself, I don’t think I could name any at all, actually) but once you establish something, building the rest is incredibly easier.
Dang, I wish I could quit my job and stop working as well, if I could. I don’t have anyone who can support me beside myself, I honestly wish I could go and live in my mother’s basement for the rest of my life, ha. That’s not an option unfortunately. Work is almost as bad as high school was lol, it’s driving me insane. I’m much too apathetic for responsibilities, I’m a mess. I think it was a wise idea for you to quit something if you knew you couldn’t handle it. Extreme stress and pressure like that will just deteriorate you further and break you down until it’s near impossible to build yourself up again because there’s nothing left. Don’t beat yourself up for it, give yourself a pat on the back for doing something for your own good for once, it’s noble to stand up for your needs, it really is. Good job! 🙂
The friend part is also something I can completely relate to. I as well honestly have no friends in real life, not one. It’s been years since I’ve gone out with people I genuinely care about (I’ve gone out a couple times from invites by co-workers and small parties by the neighbors, but they don’t really care about me, it’s more out of etiquette if anything) I lack vital social skills and communication abilities that are required for establishing relationships with other people in real life. I’m not cognitively defective, I’m just awkward as hell (which is a result from my complete lack of confidence and self esteem, which comes from the intense self hatred) if I didn’t hate myself so much I think it would be much easier to make friends, I’m thinking this is your case as well, the self hatred is obstructing you from forming relationships. When you hate yourself you don’t trust yourself, and trusting yourself plays an important role in relationships. You need to trust yourself that you’re treating the other person right and that you’re receiving the appropriate treatment from them as well. You need to trust yourself for so many other aspects of relationships with other people. Starting to create a relationship is the easiest part in my opinion, just bumping into someone and saying ‘hi’ is the budding of a friendship, the hardest part is maintaining and ameliorating your relationship with them. That requires thoughtful connection, motivation and enthusiasm from both sides. As long as you’re loyal to that person, respect them, treat them nicely, don’t isolate yourself from them and have the guts to get in touch with them first (vs. waiting around for them to talk to you first) then I think you’d be on the right path towards making some friends. I’d like to think I know the steps, initiating and bolstering a relationship is what trips me up. (relationships with anyone require self-love, because there has to be a balance. If you don’t love yourself it’s hard to connect with another person because you don’t feel as though their appreciate for you is genuine) I wouldn’t feel bad about not having friends, there are so many advantages to it as well 😉 No need to stress over forgetting a birthday or something, you save money on presents, no one nags you, no drama, ridin’ solo is the shit. But nah, take things one step at a time and I’m sure you’ll be able to make some, take it easy, be kind to yourself.
You have to assign meaning yourself, apathy is hard to kick, I know. Kindling desires within yourself is very hard, but it is possible! Orient yourself for a moment and really think about what you want to do with your life. If your genuine answer is “I want to die” then I completely understand that and respect your decision, although it would be tragic. Really think about if you want to die, or if you just want to change your life (even if you think that the kind of change you want is impossible) it would be good to explore and reflect on it.
Best wishes! 🙂
Look at the bright side.. At least the rest of us can sleep better knowing there is one less zombie out there! 😉
You seem to be well aware of how fucked up this world is!