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Choice

by quaero

Man is unable to handle his freedom.

Why can’t i choose between my heights and depths? why do i get so weak  when it comes to my choosing, and start searching some strength from here and there?

 

This base force…its very powerful. and its power is in its persistence, its ever-presence in background. I want to rise. i even know formulas for that. then why don’t i? because in all void moments of life this base force becomes active. and then i seek oblivion, self-forgetting, escape…then i seek non-responsibility, just letting everything happen…then i seek darkness, destruction, wanting everything to end. and in those moments its so tempting, so gratifying, so..so…easy. yeah, that’s the right word – easy. all motivations and philosophies gone in a puff. as if i have become an animal who no longer hide behind “reason”. he openly shows and accepts his unreasonability and animality. and there is a stubbornness in it.

But i don’t like it. i want to rise, and i know i have potential. we all have. Its about choice. I don’t know how many times i came to that state where i needed to choose. and i know how i tremble there, how weak and hollow and without base i find myself.

is it really that hard to choose? Now, i have thought over this. with choice comes responsibility. often we choose to remain in the same wretched state even when given opportunity to come out because with decision comes responsibility, and we find ourselves not strong enough, or not prepared, or not resolute enough, or some other reasons, to take it. also, “why should i choose height over depth?”, that’s another big question. or we are stuck with past and its memories and we know its power over us. being in dark is easy, it happens automatically. we are ready to take pain of darkness rather than responsibility of rising! why why why am i so weak??

(Please replace all ‘we’s with ‘I’ in last para. I couldn’t manage to take all load on myself)

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