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Don’t mind me, I’ve lost my mind

by cyanidesofmarch

Ever since I lost the 1 soul who meant the world to me, my world has been unravelling. Distractions kept me alive mostly. But more and more I see them as pointless.

I both envy and despise people who believe in an afterlife where we are reunited with our loved ones. Even in my most desperate, drugged up, delusional moments I can’t force myself to believe in anything of the sort. And yet all around me, people manage to deal with grief, death and loss by believing in a heaven where everything works out.

How the f*** can we all be reunited with our loved ones? “Heaven” would be a madhouse. Ex-wives, ex-husbands, ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriends all reunited and sharing each other? Right.

I can only hope for oblivion when I die. But if that is the case, then I have to accept oblivion for her when she died. With every thought comes a new contradiction, another flaw in the program.

I’ve lost track of how many years it has been. It feels like yesterday. It feels like 100 years. And the more I think about it, the further I slip. She saved my life once before. Nothing can save me now.

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scarredkitty 9/1/2013 - 8:08 pm

I have no help to offer because the loss of a loved one, and a reason for living, can’t really be given over the internet or even in RL for that matter. But I always love your posts and comments on here. And I really wish something could give you a feeling that it’ll be okay for you.

As for heaven, I’ve heard the close intimate relationships you form on earth are considered distant compared to what you’ll share with everyone in heaven. And also, no one is tied to anyone romantically up there, because it’s about non-sexual forgiveness and love. It all sounds pretty far-fetched to me, as well. But it’d be nice that’s for sure.

clevername 9/1/2013 - 8:39 pm

Or maybe you’ve found it (your mind).

Maybe it’s just agonizing to come to terms with certain things… and no matter how bad you want it to be different, it just isn’t. In a somewhat abstract way, i can relate.

I’ve lost track of how many “deaths” i’ve experienced (if i say it’s been once per day, then it’s already over one thousand deaths), due to a particular person, and the countless instances of repeatedly coming to terms with having no other option but to call that person “dead to me.” (1000+ losses).

I’m not sure whether it even matters if the person is actually dead or not. I can only expect to feel even worse, but almost the same, when/if it actually happens.

cyanidesofmarch 9/1/2013 - 9:04 pm

Thank you scarredkitty, I would love to experience a heaven like you described. But I doubt I would be welcome in a place like that. Just as I have the capacity to love strongly, I have the capacity to hate. If I carry my love to an afterlife, I’m sure I will carry my hate also, otherwise it wouldn’t be me. And I think that’s the problem. Not heaven, hell, life or afterlife. The problem is just me.

CN, It is agonizing. The worst is when I have “up days” and convince myself that things will work out, only to come crashing even harder when I wake up to my reality.

I don’t doubt that you’ve experienced something similar. Loss is loss, whether it is by death, distance or choice. You’ve described it perfectly: every day I get to experience that death again.

You would think after a while the nerves become desensitized. Not in this case. I don’t want to become desensitized. We once talked about memory and whether it’s better to forget or to hold on to traumatic experiences. Some days I wish I could forget, but I know I would never allow that to happen.

people_do_care 9/1/2013 - 9:16 pm

I bet your friend would be proud of you for being strong and still going, it’s hard to forget I lost my sister 8 years ago and it feels like just minutes ago she was there, but I know she’d be happy to see me still pushing through life even if sometimes I’m unhappy doing it

scarredkitty 9/1/2013 - 9:22 pm

@COM yeah I feel you there, it sounds great in theory but I doubt I’d be welcomed either because I can’t even forgive myself for my shortcomings enough to get through this life. lots of things sound great in theory, practice is always another, harder ball game

clevername 9/1/2013 - 9:26 pm

One of the hardest parts is realizing that the only way through it, is through it… and it might color every moment of the rest of your existence, to some degree… and the only way to have a decent existence again, is to manage to do so, despite that filter.

Some people like to make a comparison to limb-loss, as if emotions or traumatic past events are “nothing in comparison,” but something a determined amputee still has, can be lost to a physically whole person, whose will to live has been compromised. It’s not really a fair comparison, but the point is that a person’s psyche can be severely damaged by heartbreak, particularly the kind involving the actual death of a person.

I suppose you just gotta try to find a way to be as whole as you can, and try to stop fighting that one most damaged part. The past is part of you now, and the best you can do is try to restore your health and functionality the best you can.

:sigh:

I suppose i have to quote Jung again (lol):

“Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one’s being, but by integration of the contraries.”
― C.G. Jung

cyanidesofmarch 9/2/2013 - 2:42 pm

@pdc sometimes I try to focus on that, but it’s so hard picturing how someone would have felt when you know they’re gone forever. Even memories are becoming harder & harder to imagine, although the pain is still as strong as ever. It’s really a raw deal

@scarredkitty haha if heaven admitted people who thought they deserved to be there, it would be full of assholes!

@cn the amputee analogy is a good one, and it exposes what my problem is. I have always said that if I ever lose a limb I will kill myself immediately. I’m sure of it. Others are amazingly resilient and can bounce back from a horrible loss. Or if you observe animals, they don’t sulk over a list limb. They barely seem to notice. But me, I have always dwelled on loss. For the most part it has been a good trait because it translates into me fighting hard to protect the people and things I value. But those times when I lose (and I have only lost 1 loved one) it is catastrophic.

Yes, I need to decide once and for all if I want to get through this or not. Even though I have survived for 3 years or so, I’ve never really asked myself if I *want* to survive. Instead I’ve just been on auto pilot. Distracting myself. Living because that’s the status quo.

If I do decide to live, I should focus on repairing what I have left. Or if I decide not to live, then well I need to off myself already.

people_do_care 9/3/2013 - 5:00 pm

@cyanidesofmarch I lost someone close, but it sort of shes living life through me. It makes things a little more easier

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