Ever since I lost the 1 soul who meant the world to me, my world has been unravelling. Distractions kept me alive mostly. But more and more I see them as pointless.
I both envy and despise people who believe in an afterlife where we are reunited with our loved ones. Even in my most desperate, drugged up, delusional moments I can’t force myself to believe in anything of the sort. And yet all around me, people manage to deal with grief, death and loss by believing in a heaven where everything works out.
How the f*** can we all be reunited with our loved ones? “Heaven” would be a madhouse. Ex-wives, ex-husbands, ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriends all reunited and sharing each other? Right.
I can only hope for oblivion when I die. But if that is the case, then I have to accept oblivion for her when she died. With every thought comes a new contradiction, another flaw in the program.
I’ve lost track of how many years it has been. It feels like yesterday. It feels like 100 years. And the more I think about it, the further I slip. She saved my life once before. Nothing can save me now.