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Hell. Maybe tomorrow will be the day

by cyanidesofmarch

Tomorrow I’m going to do a good deed. It’s not important what it is. The person I’m doing it for is a total stranger and will never see me again.

On the way back I will drive over that bridge, the one I’ve driven over a hundred times. There’s a spot where the guard rail isn’t quite strong enough to stop a car that hits it the right way. The car would go right over the edge, about 200 ft down to the river, or to the rocks depending on whether the water level is low. I would prefer there to be water, but either way would work.

I’m not consciously planning to do it, but every time I drive over that bridge I feel like I’m just a twitch away from making it happen. Maybe tomorrow will be my lucky day.

Funny, there were so many things I wanted to do. So many unfinished projects I wanted to wrap up. They are all meaningless. In the end, my greatest contribution to the world will be forcing the highway engineers to fix that guard rail. Maybe it’ll save some family’s lives. Even that seems pretty meaningless at the moment.

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PainNlife 9/3/2013 - 11:02 am

Are you sure the guardrail would break? The last thing you need to do is find out the hard way that it was a lot stronger than it looked. You could end up paralyzed and in a worse position if your gamble doesn’t pay out. I know its tempting but you have to overcome that twitch if it isn’t 100% guaranteed that what you want to happen will happen.

I feel the same way….so many things I use to want to do …..so many places I use to want to see…..goals I wanted to accomplish…..it all means absolutely nothing….and I don’t even care about any of it anymore

Persephone 9/3/2013 - 11:38 am

I know you’re going through pain, but I hope you won’t do it… I guess you could say it gives me more strength to go on when I see others still going… and you’re one of my favorite people here. You’ve been living longer than you ‘planned,’ so maybe, somehow, there are still things you can do while alive? Maybe you won’t have to feel so insignificant? I don’t know. I just don’t want to see you gone…

ifoundmeandyou 9/3/2013 - 11:45 am

Let me take a walk with you across that bridge one time. Before you do it, just one walk. You live in Cali?

soonerthebetter 9/3/2013 - 12:04 pm

I am no expert here… I know that this is a suicide website and I am here myself to find the time and courage for a way out..
but May be you can stay around a little longer and finish one of those projects that you wanted to?
Coupe of days back I was so sad and engulfed by “these” thoughts, that I wanted to drive off a bridge myself. but I did not wanna die “sad” and crying.. I wanted that decision to be taken in my full senses and not when I was on a emotional roller coaster.. Plus I had so many things to finish.. so I just postponed the plan till i finished folding 1000 paper cranes.. And I did.. My plan Has not changed.. but the reasons are just a little different. And i know that this is a decision that i have taken in my full senses and not because I was sad or depressed.
But this comment is not about me but you, may be you can stay a little while longer and finish one more project of yours.. what ever you decide to do, I hope you find peace there.. I will anyways be following you shortly..
love, CH

cyanidesofmarch 9/3/2013 - 12:18 pm

@pnl Nothing’s a sure thing, but the guard rail is pretty tempting. It’s more like a design flaw… they made an access path which leaves a gap in the guard rail. Going northbound it’s safe, but southbound (the direction I’ll be going) you come around a bend, and you can get the right angle to “thread the needle” …voila you’re free at last. I’ve been obsessed with this spot since the first time I saw it 2 years ago. Kept expecting them to close it off, but it’s still there, probably because they’re doing construction. In my mind I’ve gone through that rail so many times, I might just do it and not even know the difference.

Things have been piling on. More bad news, no good news. Usually I just go numb, but lately I’ve been getting really pissed at myself for being such a hypocrite. Life is meaningless, it’s nothing but pain, so why do I keep doing it?

@Persie Thank you so much sweetie. I know what you’re talking about; I would hate to lose you, hate to lose any of the helpful folks here.

I used to have big plans. I made a pretty good run, almost got some things accomplished. But in the end, the human race doesn’t want to change, and I’m a fool for trying. Who am I kidding, even if I had been successful it wouldn’t have been enough to offset the other things, the real reason I don’t want to be here.

@ifmay I would love to take you up on that offer my friend. But I’m 3000 mi east of CA. What you said reminded me of a suicide I once heard about though. A guy left a note that he was going to walk across the Golden Gate Bridge, and if just 1 person smiled, he would go home. He ended up jumping. The world needs more like you. Keep doing what you’re doing. I have no doubt that you’re going to save lives, if you haven’t already.

cyanidesofmarch 9/3/2013 - 12:21 pm

@CH that is so beautiful. 1000 paper cranes, I can picture them. I don’t know what to say. Thank you…

cyanidesofmarch 9/3/2013 - 12:22 pm

Something very poetic and appropriate about that image. It’s very inspiring and very ironic at the same time. The beauty of pointless pursuits.

Persephone 9/3/2013 - 12:57 pm

@cyanides You’re not a fool for trying. I’m sure you’ve made much more of an impact than you realize.

quaero 9/3/2013 - 1:55 pm

I feel my destiny linked to yours.

iamsara198 9/3/2013 - 2:29 pm

I sit here a minute thinking abt how to say what i want to say , im not very good talking on internet or irl. I will miss seeing your posts/comments.. sounds dumb i know but i am crying irl now and i cry sometimes when i read some of the posts of people suffering. Doesn’t mater that i don’t know anyone here irl i feel their pain. Sometimes i wonder how i go on with my life or made it this long if im this sensitive about things.. how i make it. I really wish i were normal. I wish your life could have turned out differently that you could have found something in it to make you happy enough to want to stay but i know how hard it is keep going on and on year after year when there is nothing but pain. I really hope something good happens to you before you make that good deed trip. I knew for a while now i need to quit coming here i end up so depressed and crying sometimes reading ppl’s posts and what they are going through and idk why i am even here because i can harldy help myself at times much less someone else. maybe to spread my insanity a little. If you cant hang on anymore and you must go I pray (not to any special god) with all my heart you dont suffer any. ='(

cyanidesofmarch 9/5/2013 - 9:34 am

I’m alive, that’s about all I can say. Thank you all so much for posting. I thought about these replies a million times in the last 24 hrs.

@Persephone Have I? Maybe I have, but then maybe the problem is I can’t see it . I sure cant at the moment

@quaero How awful for both of us. I read your recent post and it was like I was reading something I had written, it expressed exactly what I feel so often.

@iamsara You have a beautiful soul. Thank you so much for saying those things. If what you have is “insanity” then please spread it! I know how painful it is, but the world needs more sensitive people who understand the troubles of strangers and are able to take some of the pain away. You did for me.

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