I Did This…

Whenever we’re little, why is it that we wish we were older? Much older? Why didn’t anyone warn us of this? The adult life is so sugar-coated and isn’t as glamorous as it’s made to be.We wasted out childhoods on wishing we were done with it, when in all actuality, we would give up anything just to go back.

I first tried to kill myself when I was fourteen, after 3 years of cutting. My parents split up, I lost my 8 day old nephew, my sisters moved out, I lost my friends, and I had nothing holding me back from suicide. I was put on the typical medications and eventually learned to cope. My mom hid nothing from me, which in part I am grateful for. She taught me how to handle money and by the time I was 17 I was already paying rent and saving up for my own car and buying my own groceries, etc. Now I’m 19 and have been moved out with my boyfriend/ husband (after four years, it’s safe to say we’re practically married).  The first month was alright. No problems, getting on our feet and settling in. The budgets looked good on paper.
On paper.
In practice, however, we’re scraping up change for food. I’m falling back in my depression. I’ve gone back to the cutting and I’m trying my hardest to pull myself out of it. I can’t afford to get any medical attention and if I let myself slip just once, I’ll be shipped off to the hospital again. I can’t afford to miss work and school. That’s literally why I haven’t gone. That and Aaron… I couldn’t so that to him. He’s trying his hardest and I’m doing nothing to help. What kind of spouse am I? Whenever he slips into his own sadness, I just become a cinder block dragging us both down.
I’m so sorry for putting us here… But we’re doing okay, right? We have a roof over our head and two cars (however barely working) and enough to get us by. So we’re doing something right, right? I just want you to know I love you and I hope you can forgive me for taking us down this spiral…
I just hope I can pull us out…