I loved your mother…in such a way!!

Is that good or bad?

I keep thinking i should do something enjoyable or interesting or useful. I haven’t been gaming much lately. When i feel like i want to, it quickly morphs into feeling like i should be working toward something that can be profitable. But i’m not sure exactly how to do that, and there are so many factors involved that i get overwhelmed and burn out, and then end up wasting more time, feeling both bored and restless, wishing i could just have some fun, but unable to enjoy any of what’s available, because i should be “working.” Gaming isn’t going to get me anywhere unless i treat it like a job and make a site/stream-channel and try to market myself and be liked by lots of people (and who wants to watch someone else play games, instead of just playing games themselves?)… which then locks me into a requirement to play games, even if i don’t want to… which, lately, i often don’t. I should be working, not gaming. But there are people who make decent ad revenue from their gaming channels.

And there’s this damn fly…

And i should be doing something useful or important, but i’m just so scattered, and every little thing is a huge distraction…

And i end up spending way too much time on SP, because wtf else am i gonna do? Sit here and be utterly stifled and miserable because i can’t progress? That’s just not fun at all. Gaming isn’t really fun anymore either, because i can’t shake the elephant in the room, that i should be doing something useful. It’s like there’s a business-gorilla looking over my shoulder, breathing down my neck. Obviously this is in my head, but the effects caused by that pressure are certainly real… and i’ve been under that pressure for so long, i think it has caused permanent psychological harm.

Against the grain, against the grain, always against the grain, fighting the current, trying to swim upstream, instead of getting out of the river and walking on land. So distracted and overwhelmed… i need something i don’t know how to do, that no one can or will tell me… and without that, there is no relief.

I had a blast of ideas earlier, and it felt good, and i felt like i was gaining ground, glimpsing distant vistas of clarity… but i think i overdid it. Again. Ugh. It feels a lot like that time i almost drowned when i cramped up while swimming, halfway across a river… and if not for a friend who happened to be but a few feet away, and other friends nearby, who happened to be able to come to my aid, i surely would have perished. The ensuing level of exhaustion i experienced after reaching land, has never been rivaled… with the exception of the type of ongoing and frequently encountered mental exhaustion i experience in recent days. It doesn’t exactly “rival” the river incident, but it’s certainly comparable. It feels like my brain is striving and heaving and straining and pushing as hard as it can… and then ‘disperse.’ And i’m just too mentally exhausted, strained, stressed, to be able to focus or concentrate again, until i recover. And then i’ll do it again.

I will figure it all out and make it work, or destroy my brain in the process. If i can’t make it useful, then it’s useless. My brain has to carry the majority of the load, and do all the heavy lifting, because i already ruined my body in the past, to the point where it’s no longer useful enough to sustain gainful advancement. The body can’t carry the load on its own, anymore, and the brain has a lot of catching up to do… and if it can’t compensate for what the body can’t do, then no part of me, except what ideas i can share with others, will ever be useful. If i’m not useful, i’m useless. If i’m useless, there is no reason to continue suffering, or striving, or burning out. I don’t have energy to spare on defeating obfuscation just to avail a clear view of the source. I might not even have enough energy for myself. That’s pretty much how i usually feel… but i still get little bursts of fury and light and hope… so i know it’s not yet quite impossible that i could somehow manage to pull it off and figure out enough to make a life worth striving to manifest.

There was a time i could reliably swat or catch flies out of mid-air. Honestly, it’s easier if you catch them flying, harder if you aim to strike while they’re stationary. I was told long ago that they sort of “jump backwards” on takeoff, so if you swing from behind them, it’s easier to catch them that way… but sometimes they’re too alert, and the tiniest little flinch will trigger their ascent. These days, swatting at flies is one of my restricted motions; i can do it, but it has a high risk of causing nerve pain, or slipping something out of alignment. It’s hard to get the timing and exertion just right, without straining.

@scarredkitty:

I’m not insulted, and you’re not necessarily wrong.

“I’m sure you’ve heard this before but, you think too much.”

I’ve heard that too many times to count. That always makes me wonder if “thinking too much” is even possible. And what is the alternative? How can i figure out what to do, without thinking? How can i do something i don’t know, or haven’t figured out? ‘I think’ the amount of my thinking is not the problem, but rather my inability to act in ways to make my thinking useful. I think a lot, without knowing the things i need to know, in order to turn the thinking into doing. That’s what i mean, when i say “the right help isn’t available.” In order to ask for the right help, i need to know how to ask the right question. “Can you help me?” doesn’t work, unless i’m asking the right person, and that person knows what help i need.

My counter to “you think too much,” might be “most people think too little.” Most people “just do things,” without appreciating or even understanding what they’re doing, or why they are able/allowed/encouraged to do those things.

When i try to “just do things,” i find obstacles which require thinking, in order to figure out how to solve, because quite often, what works for most people, doesn’t work for me, and i have a very hard time finding anyone who has answers which are compatible with my questions and needs.

It’s funny, when i wrote that long comment, i was pretty relaxed. When i’m not relaxed, i can barely think, let alone write. Being un-relaxed is dangerous for me. If i’m not thinking, i’m liable to react to my environment with Unguarded Instinct, rather than the most appropriate conditioned response.

You’re right, though, about the A to B thing. It’s just that from my perspective, it seems like i need B to complete A, so that i can then get to B… which is obviously a paradox.

It’s all about foundation, and my lack of it. I’ve never had a stable foundation upon which to build anything, due to how my parents perceived the world. Eventually i found myself in the river (the figurative one), trying to figure out how to manifest the direction i needed, without having a solid foundation upon which to build anything, from which to launch.

I feel like i’ve already figured out everything i needed to work through within myself, but now i’m stuck in a scenario that i don’t know how to efficiently and effectively manage.

It’s like the things i need to change, never do (and application of force carries huge risks), and the things i need to stabilize, are always in flux.

I didn’t necessarily spend my time as wisely as i should have, in the past… but it’s not much about that. That’s the past, and it is what it is, and i know i learned my lesson from previous squandering of potential. The point is now, and the fact that in this now, i struggle to avoid the potential slipping away. I can accept that i made mistakes, and that i can’t undo them… but what infuriates and sickens me, is how i cannot use today, despite what i learned from those previous mistakes. It’s like it’s not up to me anymore. And if the problems are not of my choosing, and if i’m defeated by things i can’t control, despite exerting the best effort i am able to manifest, then i can’t call that “my mistake” anymore… and so it feels as if it’s being stolen from me, rather than simply squandered by my choice.

I suppose i get so disoriented by the chaos, both inside and out, that it’s hard for me to even define what ‘A’ is, or figure out what i’m supposed to do, to deal with my current circumstances, so that i can even begin working towards ‘B’.

So idk. Maybe if other people thought more before they do things, i wouldn’t be stuck in a conundrum that i can’t figure out how to solve. Maybe if i wasn’t stuck in the middle of all this madness, i wouldn’t have to think so much.

But, you know… that’s ‘A’, i guess. People might think i think too much, but someone’s gotta do it.

I keep hoping that maybe next time i get a burst of brilliance and focus, it will result in a clear view of the right target, so i can start learning, with a fresh mind, how to do what i need to do… so i can afford to reconfigure my life in a way that makes it mine again.

What job would i really want? Why would i want to spend my life in servitude to another human, for a mere pittance?

What job could i do, to make enough money to afford the comparatively few things that are worth trading my time and effort to acquire?

How/where do i learn it?

How do i afford the cost of education?

Who will pay me to do it?

How can i work full time for almost nothing, but still have enough time and energy to spend on advancement?

The only job i could say i “really want,” is to own a wildly profitable business.

“Jobs” never pay well, and always take too much time and energy. If i spend my life on a “job,” then when will i get to live my life? Only on the weekends? What’s the point of working for someone else for 5 days, to buy 2 of my own for myself?

What’s the point of working, suffering, making someone else rich, if i can’t even afford to do what i want with my 2 days of the week to myself? And what if i want to do something that takes more than 2 days? I get to do that only once a year? One week out of 52?

Am i a slave?

What happens to slaves who decide not to be slaves anymore?

How can i be all of:

A) not a slave
B) not dead
C) not miserable

So, this is life or death. My body isn’t good enough to earn enough. My brain has to carry the load. I have to think as much as possible, because misery and then death, is the result of failure.

Or… i can realize that it’s just not going to work out, and choose to avoid unnecessary suffering, and skip to the end.

If i can’t figure out how to trade my time and effort for sufficient gains, the alternative is death, whether i like it or not (for the record, no, i don’t like it). That’s a huge amount of pressure, and reduction of thought is not a viable solution.

‘They say’ “practice makes perfect,” so… the more i think, the better i’ll be able to think.

It’s just that i get mentally exhausted and have to take breaks that i don’t want to take, have down time when i want to be up, and need recovery from what i would rather be invulnerable to.

Honestly though, i’ve been making some progress in the form of not being “paralyzed by analysis.”

It’s just that despite my patience, the pressure is immense and it still wears me out. My only available option is to continue to endure it and try as hard as i can, as long as i can stand it, as often as possible, until i live or die.

@PainNlife:

Yep. It’s one of my idea-paths. I actually tried it once already, but got way too distracted. I was trying to do too much at once, got hung up on some technical stuff, hit writer’s block, really wasn’t ready… but i’ve been thinking i’m almost ready again. And that’s part of what stresses me out so much. I need to pay attention to the more technical side of things and work out all the logistics. I currently have a domain name i’m not using, but… i would like a different one. And i really don’t want to use wordpress, because i honestly don’t have time to learn PHP well enough to modify wordpress to my liking. That’s where i got stalled last time. Too much CSS and wordpress hacking, not enough writing about stuff. I need a way to skip all the BS and stick to the important parts: writing and marketing.

I get into the mindset that i need to figure out exactly what i want to do, map it out, determine the requirements, and then make a list of the stuff i need to learn, and start spending time on it. But for some reason i end up doing anything but what i tell myself i need to be doing. Part of it i think is that i paradoxically crave human interaction, but feel i can’t really have “friends,” and not sure i really even “want” friends. I need to effortlessly ignore the rest of the world while focusing on learning how to accomplish implementation of the ideas i have.

I’ve been studying web dev and marketing, off and on, for about a year and a half. It’s profoundly convoluted. There’s a lot of underhandedness and psychological tricks involved, and it begins to turn into “how do i trick people into buying from me instead of the other guy?” It’s pretty dirty. I would prefer to do it in a more “clean” or respectable, principled way… but i need to make a living too.

As much as i write here, i should have my own blog. I hate that word: “blog.” Ugh. lol. “blogosphere” xD

There’s a billion blogs out there. There’s millions of people competing for search terms and page rank and… :sigh:

I certainly wouldn’t mind spending several hours each day to write something “worth reading,” if only i could ‘make a living’ doing it.

One of my major problems with this avenue of projects, is that all the “how to” sites, all the “docs,” all the “manuals,” are just… visually difficult. Having to jump around to all the different sites, hit google every time i can’t find a specific thing that seems to have never been asked or answered before, having to sort through all the BS titles that seem relevant until i start reading the content beneath them… it’s just a huge goddamn hassle. And it would be an enormously monumental task to find and compile all of the useful information into a single resource that’s comfortable, both visually and interactively, to use.

During that whole process before, i kept getting overwhelmed by an undeniable sense that “everything is wrong!” At some point i just stopped doing anything. Life sucked so much i just shut down. Many months later, i ended up here… because i figured that was that, and i was just done. Now i know i don’t want to be done, and i’m not completely ready… though i still get spikes of “fuck this!” and wonder how many more of them i’ll be able to endure, before i give in.