I’m Tired

hi, i am 20 years old and i’m currently studying overseas from my country. the first time i wanted to kill myself was when i was in the 4th grade (8 years old). and since then, every time i got a problem, i always thinking of suicide. i used to cut my wrist and taking sleeping pills when i was in junior high school. i have lots of problems with my family, school, and sometimes boyfriend. i just moved here 3 months ago and every night before i go to bed i always pray and ask to God what am i doing here, in this world, what was your purpose of giving me this life?

lately i have this strange addiction, i tend to drink soap, perfume, lotion, etc to make me calm down. i would vomit and feel tired then after that i could go to bed. i’ve been planning to overdose since 2 weeks ago, but i couldn’t find a sleeping pills that i could buy without a doctor’s prescription. i don’t talk with my friends because i’m not feel comfortable with them. i want them to see me as a happy person, like a person who’s never have a problem. can someone please help me what should i do? i don’t specifically want to overdose with sleeping pills, but i need it to help to go to sleep at night.

since i moved here, i feel like i’m a waste for everybody. i just wasting my parent’s money, i had a fight with my boyfriend almost every night and now we’re on break. my uni life sucks, i don’t have any friends, i’m just too tired with everything.