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Still alive, I guess

by cyanidesofmarch

I don’t really have much to say for myself. I just wanted to let you guys know I haven’t died yet.

Thank you so much, I really mean that more than those dumb words can express. Thank you for posting in my last thread with comforting thoughts, thanks to everyone who has replied to any of my crazy posts, or even if not, thanks for taking the time to read.

The bridge was there. That big yawning gap was still calling me. I don’t know why it didnt happen. Maybe it was because there were 2 orange barrels that werent there before, and I wasn’t sure if maybe they were on top of concrete bollards. Maybe it was because I wanted to see my dog one more time. Maybe it was that I was replaying all the things you guys have been telling me, all the support. The image of 1000 paper cranes, Persephone’s movie picks, iamsara crying over some person she never met… Maybe it was because I just chickened out.

Probably a little bit of everything.


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people_do_care 9/5/2013 - 10:05 am

Hey, I’m glad your still here.

Tristeza 9/5/2013 - 10:42 am

I’m glad that you’re alive, Cyanure, I really am. Sometimes is that “bit of everything” that takes us to tomorrow, I don’t know.
Keep posting.

Persephone 9/5/2013 - 10:45 am

Oh Lord. I was quite worried and actually looking up stories of people who crashed over guardrails. There were quite a few gruesome stories from yesterday, and I feared one of them might have been you. I’m very thankful you haven’t had to suffer such a painful end.

I sincerely hope you will be given a new reason to go on. I know it’s possible to recover from almost every trauma, given the right situations. The world needs intelligent people like you around. I’m hoping that you won’t suffer so much anymore, and will find new meaning and fulfillment in your life.

You’re one of the good eggs, man. Sending every wish for cheer your way. <3

ifoundmeandyou 9/5/2013 - 10:52 am

Im here for you too.

PainNlife 9/5/2013 - 10:53 am

I think you’ll be okay man…

iamsara198 9/5/2013 - 11:42 am

Don’t mean to be selfish but I’m so glad your ok. I know I don’t talk to many people on here but i feel like i know them anyway cuz of reading posts and comments so much and for so long. Now i hope like hell something goes right for you to make you glad you stayed. We have to figure out what it is we need the most to make us happpier and unfortunatly we have to try an figure out ways to get it ourselves. Sometimes is possible sometimes not.

My body dismorphic disorder is dragging me down again making me physically sick at my stomache from depression/anxiety an casing me to imagine and want to throw myself off a cliff that someone stopped me from jumping over when i was a teenager. Its hard when every thing about you from your hair to your toenails look deformed to you. So im tryin drag myself back out of this dark place and went to dentist got all my cavities on my teeth fixed this morning and i am going to get them bleached next. I’m tryin to fight an drag myself out of this even tho everything feels hopeless right now so its not easy. Even now i feel like im on verge of crying lol this sucks!
If you need anyone to talk to and im probably not the best person for helping others with all my problems but if you feel like you need someone to talk to my email is rainynights75@yahoo.com.

quaero 9/5/2013 - 12:34 pm

I’m so glad you are safe.

Fro-not-so-zen 9/5/2013 - 7:53 pm

Still alive!

cyanidesofmarch 9/6/2013 - 2:10 pm

@pdc thanks, it’s nice to have a crash pad here. I hope you’re surviving, too.

@tris yup, maybe the point is not to have 1 reason strong enough to live for, but instead to have 100 reasons sorta worth it. Hmm…

@Persie That actually makes me feel good to know you took the trouble to check the news stories for me. It’s weird but I hope when/if I do it, you guys will know everything. Like so many of us, I can’t identify myself while I’m alive, but after I’m gone I hope everything comes out. Thanks for the cheer… I can use it!

@ifmay Thank you so much. Your offer to meet me and walk across the bridge was very powerful. Keep transmitting those positive vibes my friend.

@PNL I sure hope you’re right, one way or the other. I like the way you think.

@iamsara You’re one classy lady and don’t you forget it. In a way I can associate with your body dysmorphic disorder. And it’s funny, a while ago I was going to suggest to the whole forum that 1 easy way to feel better about yourself is to get those teeth whitening strips to get a gleaming smile. Haha, seriously, my “smile” is just as crooked, awkward and forced as it ever was, but people often tell me what a nice smile I have. How easy it is to fool them. But I guess it’s a good 1st step?

@quaero Gracias, it feels strange, but I’m trying to make the best of it. As we all are.

@Frodo As are you, buddy! Whatever it’s worth, it’s definitely an accomplishment.

Tristeza 9/6/2013 - 2:15 pm

@cyanure yup, yup. In my case I see only one reason so I’m desperately looking for 100 more so I can keep going.
….And by the way, you’re still alive! *hug* Keep alive. I may post poems someday.

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