I Can’t Keep Doing This

My upper thighs are covered in scars, mostly words and insults… I’ve been doing it since middle school, started with a safety pin, kiddie scissors, broken pencil sharpeners, and now I steal razors from school. I try to help people too, I just don’t take my own advice. I’ve saved a handful of souls, and that’s what’s important to me. I pretend I want to be a social worker, but realistically, I know I won’t live long enough to make that happen. I lie to my fiance about being happy, and getting better…I’m almost never happy anymore, and I’ve started seeing things; bugs, when I close and open my eyes, everywhere… I called him a few minutes ago because I think I might hurt myself bad again tonight, but he’s on his way to go train with his sensei, and who I am I to distract him from that? I don’t want to deal with life anymore.
This school year is worse that the last. People make rude comments about everything I say in class, even though I’ve done nothing to them. Everyone I really cared about has graduated, leaving me here with a bunch of kids who want nothing more than to get high or drunk to have fun. I don’t want to be like them, I can’t… I’m going to go cut, I’ll try to keep the cuts small…