Should I Even Try Anymore?

Heya.  It’s me.  I don’t really know what to put now that I’m trying to..

Let’s start with school (?) then home I guess.

Everyday I put on a pair of skinny jeans; most of the time they are plaid or a cool color like a greenish-blue, but other times its just blue jeans.  Then a shirt which is either a band shirt that is too tight or one of my other shirts (including some band tees) that are way too loose.  I have no shirts that actually fit me.  Then I go to bathroom for hair and makeup.  I almost always put on black eyeliner that is usually only on my upper eyelid and more often than not has a little wing or ‘cat-eye’.  Sometimes I will put it on my waterline of my lower eyelid.  For hair I usually don’t do anything.  I’ll brush it sometimes, but I like it more when it isn’t brushed.  Other than that I will sometimes braid it, put it in pigtails or use a clip/bow for my bangs.  I have short hair that I tried to dye pink but it washed out in the front so its brown, purple, pink, and orange.  And I always wear this tight black sweater with really long sleeves (It has a Pichu on the left side.)

Okay, now school.  After my routine I go to school.  When the students enter we have to sit in the cafeteria (8th graders Cafeteria, 6 + 7 in the gym).  Instead of sitting in any of the other 9 tables, I sit by myself at the side table.  When my only friend gets there she sits by me.  One or two other people will sit by me, but we never really talk much.

Then I venture to my locker where I shoved around in the hallways by people I don’t even know.  Then to class where I sit at a table with three other kids that I barely know.  I sit there will my head down all class, because we barely get any work, or I’ll draw all over my workbook.

And then math, my favorite -sarcasm-  I sit in class and copy my one friend’s work all class.  I constantly ask questions about what this is, what that is.  But I recently have been asking more and noticing the laughter and I can hear the little whispers.  “Who can’t do this?”  “Did she really just ask that?”  Today’s math homework was a bunch of mess that I ‘learned’ in class today.  The whole time doing it I felt like crying.

I’m going to go back to last year and the year before (6th grade and 7th grade) for a second.  I used to have a bad attitude.  If you said anything about me or my friend (at the time) I would fight you in a war of words, usually fail epically, but I tried.  I remember a group of girls saying that I should shut up and all that noise.  Band class in now the only class i look forward to, I get to sit there and just play music.  It’s great.

Gym!  I hate getting changed.  I’m very self-conscious about my legs.. I change in the same stall as my friend (Lets call her Emily) (please no comments on that, I’m not homosexual.)  And then I have to actually participate to get a grade.  I don’t mind the stretches.  People hitting me and bumping into me like I’m not there is great and all, but I hate football.  I can’t stand playing it.  And the worst part is, even when I try the guys on my team yell at me for being horrible at it or not trying.

Science.  I’m only mentioning this for one reason.  The other day a group of guys were talking about me.  I know because I heard them say my name as well as a group of other people.  I have a very distinct name so I knew it was me.

I don’t really get bullied, I guess.  I mean, I don’t know if I am or not, but I’m never really around to hear it if it happens.

Aside from that I bully myself a lot.  I can see my weird looking legs, that gross chub I have in my stomach.  The fact that I have a disorder that makes me sweat 4-5 times more than the average person.  That one gets me the most.  I can never hold hands, high-five.  It gets to the point where I can’t even touch things that I know other people will, because they will complain and yell and be so grossed out by it.  And thats not all.  If you open up a dictionary and go to ‘ugly’ there would be a picture of my face.  At first glance you would probably think I’m a guy without the eyeliner that actually makes me look somewhat feminine.  Guys don’t like me solely because I am ugly.  I read tons of things online about what a guy wants and I can hear guys talking.  They never go for the girl that they actually seem to want.  Opinion and humor wise, I’m a cool person.. I think.  But most people wouldn’t even try to look past my ugliness.

I guess the point here is.  And I’ve been thinking it for a while.  What’s the point? On anything?  Trying to look presentable, trying to look somewhat pretty, trying to make conversation and have friends, trying to be nice, talking at all?  I just don’t see a point…

If you read this thank you, if you reply to this thank you.