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Death Clock

by marinemiketobe

Hey guys, I’m a new-comer to this forum.

Hello,

I have recently set a Death Clock for myself, the end of December. At which time, I will decide whether or not to commit suicide with my gun.

I’m twenty-two years old, never smoked, used drugs, and can count all the drinks that I’ve ever had on two hands.

I’ve never been abused or experienced anything overly traumatic; however, I isolated myself when I grew up which I believe helped to instill low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. I also have or fairly awful memory, which may be in part to the depression, since I studied hard in school and college, resulting in good grades. However, the retention simply is lacking. I have to actively study a movie or book, writing cliff-notes all along the way, in order to remember it adequately, and even then the memories simply fade away.

Now to the point, a major problem with having a bad memory is my ability to socialize. How can I carry on a conversation, even on a subject I enjoy, if I hardly can recall anything but the bare bones about said topic? It’s overwhelmingly disheartening, especially if that person you wish to talk to is a girl who you love and one who loves you back.

I’ve been trying supplements for a while now, Methyl-B12, B3, B6, Tryptophan, Tyrosine, Coconut Oil, etc. and so forth and have read enough up on anti-depressants to know that they really only help some of the symptoms and not the cause.

I wish I could have a redo of my life, because I feel that I wasted so many opportunities for personal growth. I’ve seen so many people that are younger than me that have it together, my love interest being one of them, that I just get incredibly downtrodden in spirit.

I loath the pain I would give my parents and the girl if I do indeed commit suicide, but I just feel like I’m at the end of my mental rope.

Yes, I’m a Christian and know that God loves me, but still. . .I’m just so exhausted.

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3 comments

WorldsDisaster 11/30/2013 - 4:51 am

i feel pretty much the same. i grew up with a fairly good childhood but i was severly bulied and people did alot of things for me so i stayed secluded and thats unltimitly coming back to haunt me. But there are some diffrences. Im only sixteen, im a heavy cigarette smoker, I smoke and deal drugs, and iv had more alcohol in my system than someone that drinks 6 pack every day, and ever since my mom divorced my father (love ma dad) her and her new husband beat me. Im so tired and the only things and sliver of hope i have is that some one out there, ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, may need me. I was diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder and Sever Depresion, and i also have an incredibly hard time with remembering things also. So i know what ur going through, But maybe take a nap, take ur girl and go to a water fall or the beach and have super amounts of fun because your at the prime of ur life and ur an adult. Enjoi it ;D

ss941996 11/30/2013 - 10:27 am

i dont thnk dt u shud give up so easily…many ppl have disabilities wich r much worse den urs…dey dnt give up on deir lives so i guess u shudnt do dt too…

G.W. 11/30/2013 - 12:43 pm

A Death Clock?

“What are you doing for NYEve?”
“I don’t know. Let me check my Death Clock and get back to ya.”

How can having the tick, tick, tick possible help your state of mind? It’s planning a rather negative future, don’t you think?

It is no more difficult to set a modest and realistic and positive goal, than it is to set a D.C.

Why not give this a go? http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/A_Course_in_Miracles/Workbook_for_Students

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