Death Clock

Hey guys, I’m a new-comer to this forum.

Hello,

I have recently set a Death Clock for myself, the end of December. At which time, I will decide whether or not to commit suicide with my gun.

I’m twenty-two years old, never smoked, used drugs, and can count all the drinks that I’ve ever had on two hands.

I’ve never been abused or experienced anything overly traumatic; however, I isolated myself when I grew up which I believe helped to instill low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. I also have or fairly awful memory, which may be in part to the depression, since I studied hard in school and college, resulting in good grades. However, the retention simply is lacking. I have to actively study a movie or book, writing cliff-notes all along the way, in order to remember it adequately, and even then the memories simply fade away.

Now to the point, a major problem with having a bad memory is my ability to socialize. How can I carry on a conversation, even on a subject I enjoy, if I hardly can recall anything but the bare bones about said topic? It’s overwhelmingly disheartening, especially if that person you wish to talk to is a girl who you love and one who loves you back.

I’ve been trying supplements for a while now, Methyl-B12, B3, B6, Tryptophan, Tyrosine, Coconut Oil, etc. and so forth and have read enough up on anti-depressants to know that they really only help some of the symptoms and not the cause.

I wish I could have a redo of my life, because I feel that I wasted so many opportunities for personal growth. I’ve seen so many people that are younger than me that have it together, my love interest being one of them, that I just get incredibly downtrodden in spirit.

I loath the pain I would give my parents and the girl if I do indeed commit suicide, but I just feel like I’m at the end of my mental rope.

Yes, I’m a Christian and know that God loves me, but still. . .I’m just so exhausted.