Falling Apart

Thank you for getting it out.

You sound rather young and I am sure you did not understand what effect your actions was likely to have. Your problem is that you are still considering committing an act without any understanding or appreciation of the effect your act would have. Suicide and harm do not result in happiness, period. Not for anyone, period. Ever.

It is only natural that you want to end the excruciating pain caused by guilt and shame. Here is the key. Although your parents are upset with you, they are not the cause of your guilt. You, yourself, have judged yourself as unworthy of love. Having judged against yourself, what is left but guilt and shame? They are the natural result of self hatred. It is self hatred that generates a solution like suicide, for love does not seek death or harm.

It may seem that forgiveness of yourself for your own acts is out of the question. After all, you “know” that you are guilty. But you are mistaken. Whatever you have done, it is in the past and the past is gone. You might imagine yourself in a back yard surrounded by a tall fence. Then imagine a heavy object representing your guilt, like a junked truck engine. Then see yourself pick it up lightly and throw it over the fence, never to be seen again.

It you are even remotely successful in this exercise, you should feel an easing across the chest and a sense of general relief. You may even become giddy. All at no harm to anyone. If you need to try it again, do so. Even if you feel nothing, be assured that the time that this relief will be yours is far closer for your efforts here. When you have achieved some success, you should look for the right time, when an apology might be appropriate. Good luck.

G.W.