Hey.
This is my first entry. I’ve never really been good with describing my pain or how I feel. So, bare with me, okay? I live in Montreal, Canada. My parents aren’t married and they have four kids, myself included. This has a lot to do in my life so it’s important that you note this.
I began to feel depressed when I was ten. My older sister, Veronica, was the main reason to my bullying. She always pushed me around and made me feel like shit. You might say that everyone feels like this at one point, right? Possibly. But what made this worst was that my two younger sibling, Victoria and Lachlan, began calling me names and hurting me. It’s an indescribable feeling when your own family picks on you. Hates you.
Now, I’m thirteen, my fourteenth birthday on December 9th. You are also thinking that I’m too young to suicidal and I’m just seeking attention. Yes. I am seeking attention. I need someone. But I would never lie and mock someone with their depression. Alas, I am but a coward and have no one to turn to at home. So, I turn to you. A random stranger, yet so much more to me.
My younger sister is handicapped, age 11, and had a six hour seizure over three weeks ago, yet she’s still in the hospital. I feel powerless. She may hate me, but I love her with all my heart. I love all of my family. They just think so little of me. I feel as if she’s drowning and I’m tied up to watch her die before me.
I want to help her, but I can’t.
Suicidal thoughts have been scurrying around my head for years, but I feel that if I leave just yet, I’ll hurt Vicky. I do think I’ll crack open soon, possibly 2015 or so. I just don’t know what to do anymore.  She needs more attention than I do. I’m just an old alley cat, needless yet pitied.
Trust me, I tried looking for the light. The light does not want to be found. My family needs it more. EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD NEEDS IT MORE. I’m the stupid, fat, anorexic, suicidal, ugly, bastard of the family. Do I need to explain further?
I NEED help, but help is not given. I WANT to commit suicide, but everything in the entire universe is not on your side.
Being suicidal all begins the same way, like an endless hallway. You want to live, but you’re so aroused and wanting for the twist and turns the hallway gives you. You think that the hallway is a shortcut, a more fun way to get through your life. Then it happens. The event that changes your entire perspective on life itself. Now, that shortcut comes with two turns. Life an death. The one marked death is very appealing when you want to die. So you turn.
2 comments
@Unperfect_one
I know how you feel. My depression began when I was about 5, due to bullying by the other children at school. My parents always gave their attention to my younger brother, while I was completely alone. As for your sister, just be the support that she needs. Even if she seems to hate you, one day she will realize that you are a wonderful older sibling.
Also, realize that here, you are not alone. Every one of us support each other, and we will do the same to you. Don’t loose hope. You still have so much of your life to live. Maybe you should talk to one of your parents for help. I don’t know what your family situation is like, but try to talk to them if you can.
I used to feel the same way, when I was younger. I thought that if I killed myself, God would make everyone else in the world happier. But it doesn’t work that way. I needed someone too. I want to help you, Unperfect_one.
If you need to talk in private, feel free to email me at Lullabyraven@gmail.com
Good luck
-Lulla
Siblings can be mean, trust me ive had my fair share. But just as much as you love them they love you. When you are yelling names back and saying “I HATE YOU” do you really mean it? In most cases it is said out of anger. Think about it, if half the stuff you say you don’t mean, do you really think they mean what they say to you? Parents have the BIGGEST love in the world for their children. Did you know that? Just as much as your sister needs help so do you and if your parents aren’t available to get you the help there are counselors at school, teachers, doctor etc. I have been in your situation and I still struggle with it today, bullying and teasing goes on till the day you die, but the way you handle it will change it all. Suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem.
Keep your head beautiful.