I love laughing. I laugh all the time. I laugh when I’m happy, but sometimes I laugh when I’m sad, too. I don’t know why, I just know that laughing makes things hurt less.
I try to make everything seem like it’s not a big deal, like it’s all under control. In reality, I usually can’t handle it though.
I’ve always been really good at school and sometimes that makes me feel guilty. I put in very little effort to get a 4.0.
I always have so much to say, but I lose the courage to say it because I don’t want to sound ignorant.
I’m not like other 18 year olds. I have no interest in partying, drinking, drugs, or doing anything even slightly rebellious. I relate more to 30- 35 year olds. Sometimes I wish I was more like other people my age though.
I wish I could skip this stage of my life and move onto marriage and kids.
I have helped raise my nephew since he was born this April. He is one of the greatest blessings in my life.
I fear that I will never get married because no one will ever love my flaws.
I also fear that I shouldn’t have kids because I don’t know if I can raise emotionally stable kids. One of my biggest fears is having a child develop depression/anxiety/an eating disorder and knowing it’s my fault.
I think about dying a lot. I really don’t want to grow up and often feel as though I should kill myself now before things get even worse.
I have terrible trust issues.
Somedays I wake up and have this thought that I could recover and everything would be okay again. Recovery is a scary thought though.
I hate my scars because they remind me of the nights that I try to pretend never happened.
I used to be a really confident kid, but that all changed in about the 6th grade.
In my family we are pressured to pretend like we are perfect and it kills me. My family is made up of some of the fakest people I have ever encountered.
I have very strong morals and I don’t even know why, I just do.
My parents were ashamed of me when they were told I was hurting myself. Their response really damaged my acceptance of my mental health state.
When I developed an eating disorder in the 10th grade, everyone quickly spread rumors. I heard about my own eating disorder through a rumor, up until this point I didn’t know there was a problem. People were baffled because I was always so happy and I panicked to come up with a cover story.
I care a lot.
I wish I could save everyone from whatever is hurting them. Even the people who have hurt me.
I grew up thinking that people would make fun of you if you cried, for that reason I rarely cry.
My parents never made me eat fruits or vegetables because they do not like them. I have always been a picky eater but I have been working on incorporating more nutritious meals into my life.
I don’t know what career I want to pursue and that stresses me out.
I really, really need to go to counseling, but it seems like such a chore.
I am a full time student, I work full time, and I take care of my nephew. I have no time for anything else.
Sometimes I feel so overwhelming sad that I don’t know what to do.
I’m not at all ashamed of the difficulties I face because I understand mental illness, however I am afraid of speaking out about it because society does not understand it.
I graduated from a pretty big high school but most of the teachers and staff members still know me by name because I liked getting to know them and helping them out.
I often look at little kids and imagine what the rest of their lives will be like.
I am not easily offended. My friends and I used to joke about my inability to eat without freaking out all the time. We all know it’s a serious issue, but there is no reason you can’t laugh about it.
I told my school counselor that I hated counseling because everything was so serious and after that she lightened up and we really got to know each other.
I made the school counselor cry once. I was beginning to relapse and she wanted me to know how much she cared.
I never argue with my parents, but I can not stand them. I just learned at a young age that arguing and responding to their anger gets me nowhere. They can’t punish for things only said in my head.
I often times look at happy people with an understanding that there is probably part of them that nobody knows, much like myself.
When I was little, I mean like elementary school, I used to imagine myself in comparison to the universe. I realized how absolutely small I was and I used to panic at the thought of only being a tiny speck in our universe.
I always try to fight change and in the end that hurts me.
I blame most things on myself, even if it’s not relevant at all.
Anger is a very confusing emotion for me. When I am angry I don’t do things most angry people do, I just become quiet. Later on, I often end up hurting myself by starving, cutting, or throwing up.
I have a hard time building a relationship with anyone because I expect everyone to hurt me and let me down.
41 comments
I get mad and sad very easy, I don’t believe the things some people say. And much more, but, i don’t like explaining my messed up life, haha, just read my username 🙂
have a great day! 😀
I can’t relate. You sound very sensible. I’m sure you’ll go far.
I have no interest in partying, drinking, or taking drugs. I look after my nephews a bit. I want love and kids, though I fear no one will like me and that I’m not ready to raise a kid of my own. I think about dying a lot. I have terrible trust issues. I used to be confident. I expect others to disappoint me.
I am infectious when it comes to making people laugh, and I do it without even trying.
I only take control when absolutely necessary i.e. once all control is lost.
I hated school. Wagged most days and hardly showed for class, naturally I failed schooling.
I like to help where I can, and only provide sound advice which I myself will go through with.
For a 20 year old, you’d think I’d be clubbing, drinking, womanizing and so forth. But no; I’m an introverted shut-in.
My life is over. Just haven’t realised it yet.
Yeah, I wouldn’t mind finding Mrs Right, settling down, having a proper family. But that wont happen.
I’ve dreamt countless times of having a beautiful baby daughter, but that’s all she is; a dream.
I am not afraid of dying, only what happens afterwards.
If I let you in to my life, I will be there for, regardless of season, weather or terrain. Or the many obstacles you may face.
I will never recover.
I could be the perfect man, but I’m too closed-in and a loner-weirdo.
I’ve served society and expect nothing in return.
I am perfectly flawed, in every way, shape and form. I wish I was never born, then I wouldn’t have to experience my unbecoming and eventual downfall.
Why do you feel as though you will never recover? That makes me sad. I don’t think you should sell yourself short, from what you have said you seem like a really incredible guy and I bet you could have a great family with a baby daughter, if that’s what you want. I like the phrase “I am perfectly flawed,” it says so much. I really do wish you all the best, every day of your life (hugs)
The way I see it, my recovery is dependant on me actually becoming less of a shut-in and wanting to “belong”, you know? More than anything, I want to start a family, have children to call my own, and a wife “to have and to hold”. But I see myself myself as not worthy or capable of having this, even though I want nothing more.
Perfectly flawed implies that, yes, I know I have qualities that others may seek, with a life that most would deem “enjoyable”, however… I only see that which others may not or (in my minds eye) that which they do not want to say to me.
Put simply; it’s a beautiful day everyway, except there’s a righteous storm cloud pouring with rain over me.
Hmm I wish you saw yourself as worthy. Everyone in my eyes is worthy of a lot. You are definitely worthy of something as simple as having a wife and children. I’ve honestly never talked to a guy like you. I usually surround myself with the assholes I guess. You know that quote, “we accept the love we think we deserve” it applies a lot to my life and yours too, I’m guessing.
It’s that feeling of self worth that continuously evades me, just when I think “Yuss! I’m actually good enough for this!”, that lying bastard in my head says “nah mate, dream on”. Ironic how I know he’s lying, yet I’m still compelled to listen, eh?
You’re not the first girl to note my point of difference when it comes to guys in general, for a time I thought it was a good thing to not lose sight of who I am and not be one of “those” guys. I realised some time ago that it means sweet f#ck all. I am still not gonna change so that other guys relate more to me or so I attract the girls.
The love I deserve is intangible, and therefore does not exist. I… I wish it was…
I totally get you. I feel great about myself sometimes, like heck I’m smart, I could be successful at a lot of things! & then my head goes “Yeah right, sit down, you’re ignorant, ugly, fat, crazy, and you’re going nowhere in life, so get back on tumblr and sulk.” We all know who wins that one.
I completely think you should be yourself. It’s refreshing to talk to a guy who has an understanding of his mental state and who can have a logical conversation about emotion. I can not stand people who treat mental health like it doesn’t exist.
I like to believe in love. I don’t know why, it’s just a comforting thought.
What I find so utterly annoying about that “voice” is that it’s always wrong, especially in your case. I don’t have to explain why, your posts speak volumes on how much of an incredible person you are.
I suppose not many guys would want to “fess up about their emotions/mental state, as most perceive it as “girly” for some unknown reason. I personally see it as the only way you will see “me”, literally.
I share your sentiment about love; it’s developing it from a “comforting thought” into something you can feel and embrace which is what I’d like most. What we’d all like, I guess.
What’s interesting, when I read “your posts speak volumes on how much of an incredible person you are” my mind immediately thought “no, lie, you’re a poor excuse of a human being.” I’m not sure why I’m so mean to myself! Thank you, though, it was kind of chilling to read.
Yes, humans are partly defined by their mental state, you know? Growing up I truly did not know that it was okay to be anything other than happy. It’s embarrassing to admit, but that realization didn’t come until last year. I realized it’s okay to be sad, frustrated, angry, excited, scared, discouraged, confused, happy, ashamed, or whatever I feel, it’s okay. I just wish everyone would understand that so I didn’t have to put on an act all the time.
Do you ever worry that no one will ever love you? Because I do, all the time.
I must ask, why was it chilling to read?
As a child, three emotions aptly defined my day; Happy, Sad and Angry. At age seven, when I learnt right from wrong, a flurry of unknown emotions overpowered my thought control, these same emotions have been with me ever since. Words cannot describe them, but the actions I undertake because of them do more than just show what/how I feel.
I feel as if I’m stuck playing charades with the entire world to hide my emotions/mental state, but I’m the only one playing? (As confusing as that sounds…)
Yes, I do worry that no one will love me. If I can be completely honest with you, no matter how much a girl may *hypothetically* love me (let’s say she said “I love you more than anything in the world”) I will still love her more, you know? And even if she thought that impossible, I would do a damn good job of convincing her otherwise.
This isn’t just because of the person I am, but if a girl could love a “perfectly flawed” guy such as myself, she deserves nothing but my all. And yes, you deserve to find your love as well =)
Hmm I’m not sure, I’m just not used to anyone reflecting on what kind of a person I am besides myself, and incredible is never the word my mind chooses.
I really show a lack of emotion in real life. I used to act happy a lot, but that has faded. It’s like I’m just existing now. It doesn’t feel like I’m hiding my emotion though, often times I don’t feel anything.
I’ve always thought that, too. I would love my husband more and that’s scary.
Well, it needed to be said, and I wouldn’t have said it without believing it myself. It amazes me that no one else can pick out that hiding behind that smile, could quite possibly be the most special person they’ll ever meet.
See, obviously there’s a difference between acting and being people. If you acted happy in the first place, my guess is that you weren’t happy to begin with. Growing cold to your own emotions…mmm…it’s not a conscious decision, once we can’t cope with what feel (or don’t feel), automatically our coping mechanism fails. I wish it didn’t, but it leaves an (almost) empty shell of how we once felt.
It’ll take someone outstanding to win you over, so my guess is they’ll be deserving of your love and vice versa.
I’m pretty good at hiding it I guess. People do like me, they just don’t really know all of me. I don’t know if I qualify as “the most special person they’ll ever meet,” but it’s not like anyone thinks I’m a bad person.
I don’t know how to tell when I’m truly happy, honestly. When I was in high school, the minute I walked in the door I was an entire different person. I was happy, energetic, super talkative, and I could make friends with anyone. I guess it might have seemed like an act, but when I was at school I truly felt happy. The moment I came home I was an entirely different person, I isolated and hurt myself. It’s hard to tell what’s genuine emotion and what’s fake.
This is random, but do you ever watch YouTube blogs? There is this family called the Shaytards who put out daily vlogs and watching them just makes me so hopeful that there are amazing people in the world. You should check them out!
It’s good you know that, and if they don’t know “you”, perhaps they can just survive with snippets for a time, till you deem them… trusted (?) enough to know the intimate details being covered with your smile.
I am pretty much the same as you when in social situations such as school or work. When I was first posted on “extended” sick leave a couple months ago, my entire platoon of 26 soldiers all said their goodbyes/piece/hugs etc. before I left, even the Corporal said his part too (which is extremely rare, I must say). This was because I would constantly make them laugh and always be that helpful, voice of reason to all of them. I received a couple letters over time, and they’d all say they missed me alot… Have you seen a guy cry before? You should’ve seen the state of me that night…damn.
Genuine emotion, you’ll feel it in your heart. My self harm was more the no eating and isolation from society type. Some days, I guess, you feel “alive” instead of this walking, breathing husk. Those are the days I cherish most.
I haven’t seen that blog on YouTube but yes, I will be sure to check it out. The trouble with seeking out amazing people is that, half the time, they do not want to be found, if you catch my drift? One thing that makes me hopeful in life (and gets me through the day) is music. Does this apply to you as well?
It really is true that I don’t trust my friends. I love them to death, I talk to them of course, but I hide a lot from them. When I was in the 10th grade & people began noticing my weight loss, my friends all demanded answers. I was so confused with the entire situation that I opened up to some people and lied to others. All types of rumors were spread because people simply couldn’t understand: I was happy. Happy people don’t hate themselves? Happy people don’t starve? They didn’t know what was going on behind closed doors, so people made up stories instead. I think it was comforting for my friends to tell themselves it was over a guy or something less devastating than the truth. The people I did open up to told everyone and it was all a mess. I lost a lot of friends that year. I gained some of them back, but not until I convinced them I was recovered. So now I fear that if they knew the truth they would leave me again.
How long were you in the military?
Music does get me through a lot, it always has. I have certain playlists that I have been obsessed with through certain phases in my life and now if I listen to one song from that particular time it’s like I’m there again. For example, the first time I starved myself I was going through a Miranda Lambert phase, I would listen to her songs on repeat constantly. Now whenever I hear one of those songs the emotions I felt at that very time comes back, it’s honestly amazing. Music is great.
Reflecting back on my life, the only person I ever trusted was my father. He was the most humble and down to earth man I will ever know. He was killed when I was 12 years old, part of me died that day, I literally felt the goodness…the innocence…in my heart leave with him. Not once have I trusted anyone, friend or otherwise but I do want to change that.
Opening up to those we are close to really is difficult, right? I guess that’s why we are two strangers talking on the internet? =)
I’ve served fulltime since earlier this year, and in various other capacities two years prior. I’m most likely getting discharged this week but that’s unconfirmed. I talked about it in some of my posts.
I’ve had this one song on repeat all day. I’ll tell you this; I hate disclosing my musical taste to family etc, not because they won’t understand why I like a certain song (or why they’ve never heard of any of the awesome artists I like) but it’s because I believe they’ll somewhat judge me for it, and I don’t know why?
I have a point I want to bring up to you, maybe, when I find the words to say it with.
I’m sorry about your dad. My parents have hurt me a lot. I mean they are good parents, they showed up to all my soccer games and field trips as a kid. They provide me with food and a home. When I was happy, they were always there, but it seemed right as things went wrong, I was alone. They are all about appearing perfect. My mental state reflects poorly on our family, so it’s not allowed. I wish I could trust them, but I never will. I bet it was hard for you, to lose someone you trusted so much. I can’t even imagine.
Opening up to the people close to me is incredibly hard. I have a much easier time opening up to strangers and that really hurt some of my closest friends because they didn’t understand. I’m afraid of hurting the people close to me and I know if they know the truth, they will hurt. So yes, that is why we are two strangers talking on the internet 🙂
Where are you stationed?
My friends are convinced I hate music. I get what you’re saying about them judging you. I’ve ben really into gospel music lately, which is really strange because I have never gone to church. I honestly wish I did though.
I hope you find the words to say it soon, because I want to know what you’re thinking!
Thank you. My father was/is everything to me.
It was hard losing my one key ally. And you know what? He never spoke more than two sentences at a time to me. He didn’t have to say much anyway, I knew he loved me.
One thing I hate about being perfect (or perfection as it were) is that nine times out of ten, you lose sight of who you are. Being consciously blind to the problems that surround you only means that by the time you act on them, there’s nothing you can do. (This taken from the perspective of your parents, um, hypothetically)
My actual unit I’m posted to is almost 300km from my house. At a place with a name I know you’ve never heard of. It’s fuh-reezing at the camp though, never had such a runny nose in my life!
I’m a non-practising Roman Catholic, been to church at various points in life, and like to think that someone is watching over me. I pray some nights, well, more like rant off, but you get the idea.
And yes, soon, okay? I think I might have to write this down (my point I’m finding words for) since it’s confusing me.
My parents are so caught up in making us appear perfect that everything has fallen apart, pretty ironic actually.
I think you said you live in the Netherlands once? Or maybe I just completely made that up?
I completely believe someone is watching over me. I don’t quite understand religion or the Bible because I haven’t grown up around it, but someday I hope to.
Okay, don’t forget!
I love too easily and I can’t let go.
I’m ashamed of my IQ because it’s too high.
I’m scared of not being perfect even though I know I can never be perfect.
I care about my sisters and my mom, but not my dad as much.
All my friends are older than me.
I’m in college now but I’m only 16.
I’m something I call humanistic Buddhist, and I find it difficult to explain to people, especially where I live, why I don’t believe in the Christian God. But really, since when has God helped me?’
I write poetry when I’m sad and prose when I’m angry. I’m working on a suicide journal (fictional) right now and it scared my best friend in the world.
I have extremely low self-worth and high perfectionism.
I’m always stressed, even when I have nothing to be stressed about.
I’m writing a novel about revenge.
People who know me know I’m fucked up in the head but they don’t know to what extent.
And this site is the only place I’ve found acceptance for who I really am as opposed to who I pretend to be.
Thank you for sharing! I feel like we relate a lot in a way.
Netherlands? Hehe, no I’m from New Zealand, please tell me you’ve heard about my beautiful homeland? I was stationed at Waiouru (told you!) Military Camp. Not only is it cold, but there are so many ghosts and so forth that we’re ordered not to interact whatsoever with anything remotely supernatural.
You’ve more than likely experienced a religious debate of some kind, how people harp on about the bible being lies and no proof that the Good Lord exists. Frankly, I don’t concern myself with the intricate details in religion; I pray, ask for guidance and give thanks to whomever is up there. Some days, I like to think my Dad’s up there, keeping watch. I’ll leave it at that, as I don’t want to come across as preaching.
And now to my point, yes!
Alright, this is entirely hypothetical. So, let’s say you meet a stranger, a like-minded one at that, and you both…I don’t know…have a coffee together? So anyway, you’re both chatting away enjoying the company, when he says;
“I’m gonna share a secret with you, in the hopes you’ll share one with me.”
Surprised by his announcement, you, hesitantly agree to it.
Without so much as a warning, he drops his gaze and says;
“I’m a depressed, suicidal young person who no one could possibly understand. We are strangers, so you have no investment in my life whatsoever.”
Shocked at this revelation, you realise you have to a share a secret too. But, without waiting for him to ask, you simply say.
“Me too.”
For the next hour or so, you both exchange intimate details about one another’s “condition” etc. The thing is, you are both strangers. You can tell a like-minded stranger anything without fear of some form of backlash. But, what happens if you both invest enough in each other that you believe you could be “friends”? Seeing as you don’t want to tell any friends what’s hiding behind your smile, and by being friends he’d have a part in your life, wouldn’t this be quite a konundrum?!
The reason I’m saying this is simple;
I’m scared that I’ll meet a girl like you one day (as strangers), who relates to me and so forth, but end up shut out, either because she holds the same principle as you (not wanting to disclose to friends) or she feels like her biggest defence is a mild offence.
I also want this to apply to you, as in finding the “perfect stranger” of sorts but having them not let you in.
Geez…I hope I haven’t confused you or anything? It was hard enough tryna get this on paper, and I hope you understand what I’m trying to say.
Oh right, New Zealand! Haha I don’t even know where the Netherlands are! But yes, New Zealand, by Australia? I’ve heard about it, but not a lot.
The scenario you set up would be quite a confusing situation. I do feel like if I were to hypothetically meet a stranger who told me these intimate details about his life and then we became friends it would be okay for me to reveal the truth and feel comfortable enough that this said person would allow me to open up freely without harsh judgement. For me, I think I smile rather than let people know I’m suffering in fear of being misunderstood. If there were a stranger with the same problems as me I would feel more confidant that they might understand. I would guess that friendship might really take off, actually.
I laugh a lot, out of amusement as well as nervousness and frustration.
My grades seem to work alongside my mood; I perform well when I’m happy but things tend to fall apart when I’m battling my emotions.
While I can speak up on issues I’m truly passionate about, 90% I don’t contribute to conversations out of fear of making a fool of myself.
I spend far too much time thinking about my ideal partner, not in terms of aesthetics, but connection, fantasizing about me staying up at 3am to watch a movie with them on the couch and feeling ecstatic just being near them, then getting depressed because it seems like these fantasies will never become reality.
I often worry about having kids and accidentally ruining their lives somehow; as much as I crave responsibility, it also terrifies me.
My paranoia has gotten so bad that I have to constantly remind myself that my classmates, peers and random people on the streets are (probably) not trying to cause me harm; I feel like I’m losing my mind.
I think a lot about medication and how big of a catch-22 it is to me; I don’t want to live my life relying on a pill that dulls my emotions only to feel awful if I so much as miss one day, but I don’t want to feel like I’m not in control of my mental state.
I constantly have to weigh my need for help against my fear of seeming weak and being stereotyped and stigmatized for my illness.
I’d love to get married someday, but the thought of placing so much faith in such a union when I can barely have faith in myself terrifies me, let alone finding someone who can put up with me, who I feel comfortable enough with to bare myself to.
Sometimes I feel as if it’s already too late for me, as if I missed my chance of being happy or being able to live a “normal” life, and that I only have myself to blame.
I constantly feel like a burden on both those around me and the world in general.
The only career choice that appeals to me isn’t entirely plausible; I feel stuck between sacrificing all that I have for an opportunity that may never come and wasting my life doing something that leaves me feeling drained and unfulfilled.
I struggle between refusing to trust the people in my life out of fear that they’ll take advantage of me and placing too much trust in them out of fear that I’ll lose them.
I want to share my thoughts and visions with the world and invite others to do the same.
All I want is to help others, to contribute to society in a meaningful way.
Sometimes I fear myself because of my intrusive thoughts.
I can’t help but constantly feel I’ve failed myself or made myself look stupid somehow.
The fact that I’m still alive often baffles me.
I fear failing so much that sometimes I just shut down.
I always feel like if people knew the extent of my thoughts and feelings, they’d run as fast and as far away as possible, and I couldn’t really blame them.
Wow, thanks so much for sharing! I liked a lot of what you said and I related so much. I really liked your quote “as much as I crave responsibility, it also terrifies me.” That is just so true.
Im glad you’ve said that about my hypothetical scenario. It gives me cold comfort, a “hope” of sorts, for the future.
I’ve watched the Shaytards too. I like the authenticity and…love they have for each other. Thanks for suggesting to watch it. It’s not that I want a happy family, it’s that I want a family filled with love and understanding.
Here’s a question for you; what do you think about your smile? Tell me as much or as little as you like. I ask because it seems to play a big part in who you are.
Watching the Shaytards always makes me aspire to live my life to the fullest. I also want a family filled with love and understanding. I want a family that is much different than the one I have now. I’m glad you liked it!
My smile is almost like a security blanket. If I smile, people don’t ask me what is wrong. They don’t suspect there are cuts on my leg or that I skipped breakfast, they simply think I’m happy. I used to smile all the time, a big smile, full of life. I don’t smile much anymore, and when I do, I don’t show teeth. I kind of just shyly smile. It’s been that way ever since I graduated.
What about you? How do you convince everyone you’re fine?
Smiling faces tell lies, am I right?
Since I’ve been talking with you, I often find myself observing others subtle expressions, such as there smile. I’d never thought about it in this much depth before, but now that I have…it’s scary to think what they could be hiding too. Even today, at a corporate meet-and-greet, I found myself doing this. You wouldn’t believe how much pain I was in from smiling to hide my true feelings, I’m sure you’ll relate.
There was a girl there, too. I’ve known her a while and we both know quite a bit about each other, maybe not to the extent of what I’ve shared with you, but you get the idea. Anyway…either she’s on to me (my depression and suicidal thoughts) or maybe she’s developed some sort of feelings for me. I say this since she’s taken too much of a keen interest in my life. Believe me, I would like to step things up with her, but like I said earlier, becoming real friends could really hurt her (knowing my secrets) and that’s the last thing I need!
For me, I use the awesome power of words. Whenever someone catches me out, I simply convince them otherwise and 9/10 they’ll leave it be. The others, well, I confuse them to the point that they just don’t bother. I had a girlfriend of mine once tell me that I had a cute smile for a guy, naturally I didn’t believe, but sometimes I do use it as a defence mechanism.
Yes, it hurts. I remember when I first began falling apart I didn’t understand why no one saw it. I didn’t even realize how happy I still acted, it was just natural. I wish I could just let people know when I’m struggling. Like you know when you wake up with a stomach ache or headache so you stay in bed a little longer? Or when you twist your ankle while running so you have to rest it? Sometimes I wish my problems were like that.
I often look at happy and kind people and I wonder if they hurt themselves. I try to look close to see scars on their wrists or collarbones sticking out. Maybe that’s what this sickness does, it tries to find anyone else suffering to know I’m not alone. Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone who has ever looked at me and seen through my smile.
When I was in 11th grade my psychology teacher told me she knew. Later on in the year we became very close after my friends had confided in her when I began refusing food. She said that I was kind and happy, but she could tell I wasn’t really happy. She said she noticed how I would say the silliest things to my friends, but when they weren’t looking I would stare blankly into space with the saddest look in my eyes. She said she noticed the way I told my friends stories, but when they asked questions I was careful with the amount of information I told them. She said she knew I was sick before they told her.
I know what you mean about convincing people you are okay. When my friends first told the school counselor on me, I wasn’t playing around, I knew exactly what I needed to say. I admitted to hurting myself in the past and insisted I had realized how unhealthy it was. I explained how I still struggled some days, but I was recovered for the most part and never going back. I even talked about why I stopped hurting myself, I had so many reasons. They believed me every time, until evidence proved otherwise.
What’s it like, living in New Zealand?
Yes, I know that feeling completely. If our problems were that easy to fix, I fear that wr wouldn’t really understand who we are and our deep, inner most thoughts. Maybe we’re “made to suffer” so that we can (this’ll sound strange) better ourselves, you know?
One thing I think you’d notice with me, is that I appear to always be in a constant state of “thinking”. Like, you could walk past me and immediately pick up that my mind is a thousand miles away. I like to think of my expression as a mixture of both a smile and a sigh, a sighle or smigh, I’m not sure. Given the chance, and understanding, one day some one will see through your smile. Only they will know what they see.
It’s cool you could confide in your teacher like that, honestly I wish I could say the same. Playing charades with the world and hiding isn’t how either of us would’ve pictured our teenage years, eh? Now that I’m a little more mature and have life experience under my belt, I want nothing more but to help other like minded people. It’s not that I’ll be genuinely considerate to them, it’s that I’ll be passionate towards helping them through that which hinders them most.
New Zealand is a true thing of beauty. Not just the country and beautiful scenery etc, but the quality of people. Life is pretty good, especially in my little township of 3,000 people, it was even on the news for being the most friendly and livable town in the entire country! I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else, to be honest. I wish everyone could experience New Zealand.
How’s life in the States?
It’s true, I never really knew my true self until I was suffering, if that makes sense.
When I was a little girl, my life was perfect. I’m not just saying that, I mean I had everything. I was so incredibly smart and confidant, I remember always being the favorite in my elementary classes. My teachers treated me different, like they knew I was going to be successful. They didn’t talk to me like they were above me, which is how they spoke to the other kids. I never in a million years could have told you that this is how my life would be by the age of 18. If I had known, I don’t think I could have done it. In 8th grade I thought things were at rock bottom and must be getting better. It’s laughable now because that was only the beginning.
My teacher was a truly amazing person. She still emails to check in on me sometimes. I lied to her at first, pretended I was okay, but she just saw through it. I guess she showed me that I could trust her, so I did. She was the first person I trusted in a very long time, and that felt really good.
I would also love you help people like myself. Maybe I could convince someone just falling into this mess not to take that first step. Not to cut calories or make that first cut. Maybe I could warn them to turn back before it’s too late.
America is… busy? I don’t know how to explain it. There isn’t much beauty around where I live. I also live next to one of the cities with the highest crime rates in the world. There are a lot of political problems over here, much of it I don’t understand. My city is nice though.
I know exactly what you mean.
We both had a very different upbringing, well I was good in Primary school (elementary to you) until I was 7 when our equivalent of child protective services decided to take me away from my family. Sure, my family was useless, but I was in an entirely strange area with no one that I knew.
My teachers could sense something very different with me from a young age. Maybe it was my world weariness, or the fact I wasn’t in to what most kids did. I saw my old social sciences teacher yesterday as well, from my 4th form class (second year of high school) and she was utterly shocked to see me. Her last memories of me were some young punk with bushy hair and an attitude problem. What she saw in front of her, however, was a clean cut, well dressed and mannered Private. In her words; “you’ve come along way, haven’t you!”
Just a passing thought, but did you ever send your teacher some chocolates or something? She sounds awesome.
In regards to helping others; yes ma’am! Just like you see the worth in others, I can see the love and potential in people. If and when I do help someone out, I’ll have you in mind for encouraging me.
Whenever I watch the news and a story comes on about the States, it’s almost always something bad. I often wonder how people like us could:
1) Deal with the pressures of such a society and live in a huge country whilst simultaneously;
2) Dealing with depression and suicidal tendencies.
I’ve never left this country, but would love to travel one day. Maybe I’ll visit the States?
If you don’t mind me asking, why were you taken from your family?
Slightly different, but child protective services came to my house once, too. My mom was really nervous, but turned it into a joke. We were pressured into only saying certain things and I think my mom was afraid I might decide to open up to this person so she wouldn’t leave the room when I was being interviewed.
My teacher knows how much she means to me, I have told her multiple times. She literally saved my life because at the time she decided to care I was completely convinced that no one at all cared. I was beginning to have suicidal thoughts when she let me confide in her about so much.
I would love to travel as well. Since I was little I have always wanted to go to Australia, I’m not sure why. I had a friend who moved there in the 4th grade, actually. I’ve never left America, I mean I’ve been to Canada to go to the mall but that’s less than an hour away. Maybe I’ll visit New Zealand, who knows!!
So I have a story about today. I often give blood, as often as I can, every two months or so. I just feel like if I am able to, I should. Today I got up to take the little girl down the street to school, went back to bed, got up to take my sisters to school, went back to bed, then got up to go to class. I wasn’t hungry so I didn’t think to eat. When I got to school there was a blood drive so I decided to try and donate. I figured my iron would be too low since I hadn’t eaten, it usually is. It was high though, higher than normal so I was allowed to donate. I should have told them I hadn’t eaten, but I just wanted to see what would happen. I made it through the donation process, but while I was being chauffeured to the food area I fainted. I just remember everything going black and then nurses calling my name, they were trying to get me to answer questions to make sure I was okay. They made me lay on this bed for over half an hour drinking water and juice. When I left I felt sick and dizzy, but I told them I was fine because I had to go to work. At work I’m on my feet the entire time and I thought I was going to faint multiple times, but I didn’t tell anyone. Now I’m home and I still feel light headed. It was really scary to not be in control of my own body at all. I always figured if I was about to pass out, I could stop myself, you know? My body couldn’t do it though. I don’t know, it just really made me think about the risks of my eating disorder.
I’m not sure how to explain it, but the short version is that we (my cousins and I) were surrounded by drugs, domestic violence, alcohol and all-out family problems. I was shifted from one side of the city to the other, and spent weeks sleeping in a cold, dark basement. When I think about it now, I resent not only CPS, but my family as well for not providing a proper childhood. It saddens me to say this, but if I had even the slightest understanding of suicide when I was seven, I would’ve done it then. That’s how bad I was messed up.
Were you personally worried when they showed up? It must’ve been quite unexpected.
This teacher, yup, you sure are blessed to have her in your life. We need more (but not too much) people like her in our lives, right?
Australia’s a two flight from here and I’ve only heard good things from those I know who’ve been “across the ditch” as they say. In all honesty, you’d love New Zealand, so I do hope you visit here one day!
About your story from today; I am glad its got you thinking of the risks you’re taking! I know you say that you will “fast” until the point you have “total control”. I do not want to sound condescending, but what does this tell you? The last thing anyone needs is for your disorder to take control of you, okay? I’m not sure how to say this, maybe I’m saying it all wrong…but…ahh forget it. Just please, you need to make some decisions about this, before all control is lost. This makes me…sad…=,(
Wow, I’m sorry. That really does sound awful. My life was really happy until I was about 12. I’ve been extremely sheltered my whole life though, my parents try to control every single aspect of my life.
When CPS came to our house, it was presented to us as “these people have to come interview us, it’s a mistake, we’re actually perfect so act like it.” It happened because a week or so earlier my sister had showed up to a school event hammered, she was only 17 and had drank over twice the legal limit. She didn’t even live with us at the time, she had been kicked out. My parents were called though and when my dad went to get her she was so drunk that she tried to grab the wheel and crash the car. She threatened to kill herself so the police officer told my dad to take her to the hospital. I was at a friends house, but I came home because I felt sick, and when I got home there were police cars and ambulances, my sister was screaming bloody murder, my dad was trying to restrain her, and the neighbors were all watching. My sister told the school my dad hurt her that night, I’m not sure if that was the truth or not, but that’s why CPS had to come. I wanted to tell CPS the truth, but I couldn’t, you know?
I love that my teacher was there for me. My school counselor was, too. They legitimately loved me and let me know it. I never knew how important support was until I had them. The most amazing part was that they knew I cut myself, I starved, I threw up, I had so many problems, but they cared anyways. My parents aren’t like that, so I don’t know, it was just nice.
I’ll put “visit New Zealand” on my bucket list, okay?
Tell me what you were thinking, please? In my mind, the only thing that will make me feel better is losing weight. What’s so messed up is that I know why it’s bad, I know why I do it, but I don’t know, it’s just normal for me. I survived my last relapse, so I just figure it will be the same this time.
Have you ever heard of/seen the movie Silver Linings Playbook?
It’s alright. I couldn’t have known that something like that was going to happen anyway. Without that event happening, I don’t think I’d be as head strong as I am today. Well, I like to think I am.
Ah, yes. I’ve been through a similar experience. I guess it is just teenage dramas and hormonal changes, but by the sound of things it could’ve been a lot worse? I know you’ve said you’re not like any other 18 year old (not drinking, partying or being a general hooligan) so I guess certain things like your sister acting out sort of encouraged you not to be like that? (I’m actually leaning more towards the fact you’re a lot more mature than most teenagers, which is an outstanding thing may I add).
As its been said before; true friends are there even when they know EVERYTHING there is to know about you. Quite frankly, it astounds me how supposed “friends” can just abandon you when you need them most. Maybe there just as scared as what people like us are going through?
Sorry about the whole travel agent pitch =) But yes, it’ll be a worthwhile visit.
Okay, forgive me if this sounds weird. I’m thinking…maybe…I’m invested that much in your life/struggles that my silly little mind has…wait for it…started to care beyond the point of an internet stranger. Do not get me wrong; I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts and have found a great feeling of solstice in talking with you these past few days, irrespective of the length of said conversations, I’ve disclosed more about me to you than I have with anyone else in my life. I get the feeling that you rarely open up this much about yourself as well? What I’m trying to say is…whenever you starve, whenever you cut, whenever you perceive a thought of self harm or other such things; I’m going to care just a little bit more than an internet random, and I will more than likely feel your pain as well. If this sounds even the slightest bit creepy, please tell me. But, I just needed to say it and I hope you understand what I’m trying to say.
Um, that’s the movie with the chick from Hunger Games and the guy from Hangover, right? I’ve been meaning to watch it but haven’t quite got around to it. Would you recommend it?
Would you like to email instead of just commenting on this post? It’s just a thought…
I’m not sure why I’m so against things such as drugs and alcohol, but I know it has a lot to do with my sister. It used to make me so angry that her choices screwed up so much of my life. She would come home drunk, I would have to deal with it, and she wouldn’t even remember. It was so selfish of her. I’m also easily addicted to things, I just have that type of personality, so I don’t know, drugs and alcohol don’t seem like the best idea. A lot of people have mentioned that I am much more mature than my peers. I have a really strong conscience and I like doing the right thing. It’s just important to me.
Yeah, I don’t like opening up to my friends much. I think it’s selfish in a way. My friends don’t have the power to fix me, make me eat, or anything like that, telling them will only make them worry. It’s not fair for them to have to worry all the time, worrying won’t make me any better.
It didn’t sound weird. I care about you, too, and if you told me you were hurting yourself, I would genuinely try to talk you out of it. If you didn’t stop, it would hurt me. You are correct, the amount of information you are getting out of me is rare.
Yes Jennifer Lawrence! It’s a really good movie and it has a lot to do with mental disorders. It’s one of my favorites!
Okay, email sounds good. 1e6a27m at gmail dot com.
I must say, this is the first I’ve heard of someone openly having a strong conscience, especially in regards to things most would consider “factors of life”. To me, it’s like you grew up too fast from a young age and had to inherit “adult” problems with only a “child’s” tool set to deal with them. Yes, it has developed you into a stronger, more confident young woman than most. It also has played heavily on your mind, as evidenced in recent history. I hope this sort of thing always remains important to you.
I see what you’re saying in regards to your friends. Do they see things in the same way that you do?
Well, I’m glad. The feeling is mutual. It’s good we’re getting a good understanding of each other. Honestly, talking to you is helping me remember who I was before I went “Rogue”, everyone loved who I used to be. If I find him again, I’m sure you’ll like him too.
I’ll definitely watch it some time soon! Any excuse to eat popcorn…
I emailed you 🙂