Never good enough

I should have one of those fairy tail lives, I come from a good family, always went to good schools, I always got good grades, but it’s never good enough. I’m a college student at a decent college, nothing amazing. I played division 1 sports on one of the best teams in the country for 2 years and quit as of this year. No one in my family supports my decision to quit. I didn’t quit because I’m lazy, I quit because I’m a math major, I make the deans list frequently, school is what is important to me, but my classes didn’t fit with practice times, so I had to quit or change my major. So my mother is furious. Let me explain why, I might be one if the few FAT people to make it to division 1 athletics, I have never been thin, working out 20 hours a week I never lost weight. so what I’m saying is the only thing my family cares about is appearance and I’m ugly. It doesn’t matter that I’m a good person or that I’m smart. I work my ass off in school and all I get is ” when was the last time you worked out? ” Even better, they think I should be a doctor, lawyer or engineer and are disappointed in my major. What’s even more pathetic though is that I would give up everything I have to be pretty, or even more simply to be loved. I am 20 years old and still a virgin. To be honest I wouldn’t date me either, I’m fat, and where I’m not fat I’m muscular. So I’m a fat man with boobs essentially. I have stretch marks on my stomach that I started getting my sophomore year of high school. That was the year my mother told me she hated me, because they found out about my cuts, but of course I was copying my sister, it wasn’t real emotion, because it’s fun to loath yourself who wouldn’t want to give that a try. They didn’t know that I gave myself my first black eye in fourth grade, told everyone it was from basketball, that was the first year my mom put me on south beach And started showing me pictures of what I should look like. Fifth grade was when she told me she’d buy me a new wardrobe if I lost weight, I held on to that promise for years. I never had many friends, I was depressed child who turned into a I depressed teen. I can honestly say it’s a miracle I’m alive today. I’m going on 11 years of self harm, depression, and detailed suicidal thoughts. I don’t know if it can be counted as weakness or strength that I haven’t put myself out of my own misery. I shouldn’t care what they have to say, but the reality is I’m tired of feeling all alone in the world. I just don’t want to die alone. I just keep telling myself that I’m smart, and maybe someday if I work really hard i can loose weight and be prettier and someone somewhere will fall in love with me. I know that’s a stupid wish, but it’s really all I want. I don’t want to be smart, athletic, or kind if it means living the rest of my life alone.