Life can’t go on forever. It feels like it will. It feels like this thing we’re all caught up in will never stop.
But it has to.
There was a start day and there has to be a finish day. I always imagine my finish day. My last day on this wrecked planet. And every day from Start Day till Final Day is a step. Just a step closer.
No, we will not live like this forever.
Thank god.
12 comments
Yeah…
Hope there’s something better awaiting us when this is all over.
It would be a damn shame if this one life in this awful world is really all there is.
“At least it’s not forever”
One of my relatively few solaces.
I look around at other people who behave as though they have all the time in the world… as if this just goes on forever… as if they think 20-30 years is inconceivably long…
My own perception of the passage of time, seems to have accelerated proportionate to my age. The longer i’m alive, the faster the time seems to go. That used to really bother me, but now i’m usually pleased by this. It only bothers me when i let down my guard and get wrapped up in moments of fantastical false hope, and start dreaming of all the things i woulda coulda shoulda done, and all the stuff i could still do… if only time would slow down so i could do it all before it’s too late. But the truth is that it’s been too late for a very long time. I’m not even sure which of the critical moments was really “the one” that made it too late… but i guess it doesn’t even matter.
Hmmmm. You sound a lot like the way I feel clevername.
I feel like I really could have made something great out of my life.
But I wasted way too much time.
Now I’ll be 31 in a month.
And deluding myself into thinking that I can still turn things around somehow is almost impossible for me to do anymore.
I’m at the point where I’m just ready to give up and accept my fate as a failure.
I don’t feel like i’m the one who wasted my time. I feel like i made accurate observations of my environments, assessed the situations, and made the best decisions and efforts i could, from what was available. The end result is waste, but it’s not that i just squandered myself by misapplication. I didn’t do what the world wanted to allow me to do, and i couldn’t conquer the overwhelming odds and insurmountable obstacles.
There’s a delicate, nuanced distinction i feel is necessary to make, regarding my wasted life: i feel it was mostly wasted by others, by my surroundings, involuntarily, through no fault of my own, in ways i was not able to overcome. Something always got in the way. Something always went wrong. I was not born into circumstances which allowed my best to be sufficient. I tried, though. I tried so hard, for so long, in so many ways… i’m worn out, exhausted, spent. If the physical damage could be corrected, i could keep trying, or try again… but it takes too much energy and endurance, too much will and determination, just to even exist each day, and there just isn’t enough left to overcome all the external obstacles after that.
My mind will go to waste because my body could not keep up. I feel there are no useful options to do anything about it… and so i find myself spending large blocks of time in silent stillness, just watching it pass… which is when i notice that the passage of time seems to accelerate.
I wake up, do a few things, read a few pages, make a few comments… next thing i know, the wave of “must sleep now” washes over me, and i gladly oblige for sleep. Heh. Waking life spent waiting to sleep again. What a life.
“At least it’s not forever…”
Yes I relate to that entirely. When I say that I wasted time, I wasn’t implying that I was just out fucking off. Not what I meant at all.
I’m sorry that your life is so empty and that you are so unhappy. I wish we were in the same city so we could maybe go out and do something together. But then again I’m not sure what good would come out of two depressed, suicidal people spending time with each other lol.
Maybe it would end up being more about “two people who can relate,” rather than “two depressed people.”
I guess this is as good a time as any, for a Jung quote:
“Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.â€
― C.G. Jung
“There’s a delicate, nuanced distinction i feel is necessary to make, regarding my wasted life: i feel it was mostly wasted by others, by my surroundings, involuntarily, through no fault of my own, in ways i was not able to overcome.”
Well you just summed up my situation clevername. My life was dominated by so many evil things that I could not overcome starting with debilitating genetic disease that wrecks your body and mind from the time you’re born. Now tell me how was I supposed to have “overcome” that?! On top of all this having been born to completely unfit parents. This is exactly why life is so cruel. Because some of us have insurmountable burdens placed on our backs by others, or by circumstances. That’s why I’m not impressed by life’s “winners.” For instance a basketball star or singing star or famous actress. They were simply born with the right genes, the right environment. Yes they may have worked hard but without genes and environment and circumstances coming together they would not have been able to be what they are. I work harder than any of them just trying to endure one 24 hour period after another.
It would have been great to have never been born. I feel so bad for creatures on this Earth that live super long lives enduring incredible suffering. Like those octopuses that live forever. Imagine if humans lived forever. That would literally be hell.
That’s a good response, rach. I agree with pretty much all of it. I doubt it will make you feel any better, but i’m sure there are people with less and/or less severe difficulties than your own, who still can’t find a way to make it. Some of us are born into circumstances that are simply insurmountable… and often, it is primarily due to choices made by our predecessors… and all those overly positive types who insist that everything is possible if you just wish and pray and try hard enough, just make me wince and cringe. They don’t know what we know, and yet they pretend like we’re the one’s who don’t know, even though we speak from experiences they’ll never have. It’s annoying, frustrating, infuriating, having to deal with that stuff. I try to avoid it whenever possible, and try to find things to enjoy about myself, by myself. I can imagine that might be more difficult for you, than for me.
@ tupacorbiggie you’ve got me intrigued…what octopuses?
@ clevername: We’re all taught in school, that we can be anything we want to be. I was taught that. All it takes is hard work, so they say. The problem is the people teaching these things have not been born with insurmountable problems, or they could not believe in this lie. For instance there is paralysis. People become paralysed and depending on where the injury is, sometimes there is no possible recovery, no matter how many prayers are said, how many wishes made, how many hours straining to recover.