While there’s a lot of other things going on in my head right now, I have to get this out. In a way I wish this really was a letter to you. You nine sided whore. but then I would have to speak to you, to look at you, and I can’t stand to even think about you. Your lies, your games, your betrayal.
The worst part is I really never saw it coming. I loved you, and you were one of my closest friends. I have known you for so long, held you through so many disasters… I really thought I knew you… But all the while you were this monster in disguise, trying to consume me. and still yet I cannot erase you from my thoughts.
On some issues, I am a man of few words. But not in this. Never in this. All I can think or feel now, when you cross my mind- and don’t you always cross my mind- is words. I turn into a fountain, a river, I am spilling over with words for you. and I keep coming back to one, at the end of every spear headed sentence. You are poisonous. Poison.
And I should have seen it, I guess, when I met you all those years ago. I do not know why I can’t get you out of my thoughts, because everything I remember now is bitter. Thoughts I once cherish I can now see were false. You were using me, for years. Every time I spoke, or held your hand, you were waiting to speak, or waiting to leave. When your friends abandoned you, I should have heard warning bells, but I stuck by you. I believed you loved me. I did. but you were waiting all the while till you could drop me, forget me and try to poison someone else. And in the turmoil of our inevitable downfall, you involved my family. You tried to poison even them, to turn them against me. To hurt my kid sister, my kid brother. To make my mother question me. You poisoned me in the thoughts of my friends. It is alright, for they all now see you for what you are. I just wonder how you could do it, how you could dare try to take someones family, to involve my little sister in your alcoholism and drug abuse. How could you? To hurt me? Where, in even the warped mind of the devil himself, would such a thing cross anyone’s mind? She is just a kid. God knows what else you did to her. But I wont let you hurt anyone else I care about. You’re out of my life, and out of theirs.
So why does it hurt? When I walked out, angry and confused, after more lies, after you laughed in my face, after you made me feel so small, so pathetic… It would be nice if you had tried to make me stay. If you had talked to me. If you had tried. But after I left, I was nothing to you, and you’ve moved onto some other poor bastard. No matter what he’s done, in this life or any other, he doesn’t deserve what you will do to him.
I so want to scream at you. I would never hit a woman, but if I ever saw you again by God I would have to restrain myself. and after all this, after all these words, pages and pages, it still wont go away. I need closure. Whats funny, though, is that if you ever saw this, you would laugh, laugh yourself to tears. because that’s what you desire most of all. Not to be loved, but to be unforgettable. to drag people to your animal level and leave them crippled and screaming your name. You believe no one can forget you. and believe me, by god I wish I could. I want to be rid of you. I wish I had never met you. You possess and rape my thoughts and all it does is make me more and more… inert. like I’m floating in a sea of raw anger.
Let me tell you, Devil Child. you are NOT unforgettable. You are Nothing. you are a deceiving manipulative wretch. A dishonest Hag. You may be beautiful but three layers of skin down, you are ugly. You have an ugly heart and an ugly, poisoned soul. YOU are the personification of all the things I hate in this world. You have no conscience. No Love. Soon, everyone will know it, once you have hurt them, which you inevitably will. You can’t help yourself. You’ll be all alone, with no one to blame but yourself.
I hate what you are, what you have become. What you do to people. You are less of a woman and more of a pestilence. A corruption. I Hate you so much I can hardly breathe. And you do not deserve that. You deserve to be forgotten.
I need to be free from you. I need to be free from the intangible mess you have made of my life. The hatred you have rekindled in me. The rage. I thought I was free of this all but the cycle repeats itself. It is never over. People turn on People, the serpent eats its own tail. and here I am again. Hating, Numb, Raw and Bleeding. Wishing to god I had died before I met you.