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What is going on in my brain?? Please help!!

by ididnotaskforbipolar

(I know that some of you won’t, but please keep your rude, degrading comments to youself. Like a diabetic doesn’t ask for diabetes, people with mental illness don’t ask for it either.)

I inherited bipolar depression from both my mother and father. I’ve had a lot of emotional problems since I was a child. I was always extremely depressed and angry, somtimes suicidal. I had a compulsive cutting addiction as well, not just surface stratches..the kind like “Oh my God hold her down, put pressure on the bleeding. Call an ambulance” I was hospitalized twice which I am immensely grateful for. They gave my bipolar depression diagnosis, and started me on some meds.

Fortuneatly for 4 years I’ve been regulated on quite a cocktail of mood stabilizers, anxiety pills, and antidepressants. I have never cut since! In short, I’ve been quite happy and content with my life. I found the ASHLEY that has been trapped inside for so long!! BUT…..

in the past month I’ve noticed a change in my thinking. I’m having FREQUENT, PAINFUL ANXIETY ATTACKS. I don’t think I’m having a mood swing, but I’ve got this weird feeling in my head. I don’t really have much a reason to be sad, but I am. I just feel extremely uncomfortable in my own skin. I try to do things to keep my mind busy but I just can’t concentrate on things. I’m disinterested in everything I normally like to do. I CAN’T SLEEP at night and when I crash after being wired up for 17 hours I sleep for about a day. It upsets me because I feel like I’m wasting my life. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but it’s getting worse every day. I see my pschiatrist in a week, but it seems like a long time until then.

Can someone help? Maybe give me some insight on what might be going on? How I can make things better?


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Morlock 11/29/2013 - 6:29 am

Are you still on meds…. I think the meds could be the source of your dilemma. Like.. they mess you up…….

Morlock 11/29/2013 - 6:30 am

4 years… dang…

Morlock 11/29/2013 - 6:38 am

You okay? It’s alright, though. You’ll be alright… you should probably find an alternative for the meds, though, if you’re still on them. Mmm…

ididnotaskforbipolar 11/29/2013 - 6:41 am

Yes, I take my meds religiously..that’s why I’m confused.

ididnotaskforbipolar 11/29/2013 - 6:43 am

My doctor tried to take me off of some of them a year ago because of the uncontrollable weight gain. But that turned into utter HAVOC. I will be on these meds the rest of my life.

Morlock 11/29/2013 - 6:49 am

Havoc… yeah, I guess that’s what I meant by ‘finding an alternative’…. to help you through quitting it.

Morlock 11/29/2013 - 6:52 am

‘Havoc’, that would make a cool women’s MMA / Mixed Martial Arts fighter, UFC fighter nickname. Go learn some MMA …. it’s coolest / newest / baddest thing out there o_o

Morlock 11/29/2013 - 7:03 am

You’re going to need to take out your havoc on something, I can’t think of any better suggestion then MMA. Punch, kick, stretch yourself into a real life battle warrior. Yeah, I’m sort of a big fan of Women’s MMA (Mix Martial Arts), also known as CAGE FIGHTING. Women MMA really is a new thing out there, though. You know UFC?? The female UFC Champion Fighter of the world is ‘Ronda Rousey’…… She’s badass……

some-guy 11/29/2013 - 7:08 am

I don’t know that there are many alternatives to meds for bipolar. They say proper diet, and exercise help, but when the chemicals in a bipolar persons brain swing dramatically one way or the other, that’s not really something to just deal with on their own.

For some reason I seem blessed with an abundance of bipolar people in my life, each suffering from a different form (one with psychotic schizophrenia, one a ‘fast cycler’, one depressive, etc.) and none of them can cope without some assistance. The issue is that there are no meds that are quite right yet, and so it will be a constant struggle to find what works for you, and it may change with time.

It’s impressive that you’ve been accepting of Meds, most people with bipolar do not accept medication as part of their problem, which is often exacerbated when swings hit.

The best advice I ever read, which was more specifically aimed at chronic depression, but works for many forms of mental issue, is that your brain is constantly lying to you. Sending false signals, false ideas, false feelings, that you need to stop and assess and accept or discard depending on what is best for you. No easy feat to be sure.

Morlock 11/29/2013 - 7:08 am

‘Cage fighting’ might sound a little intimidating, though. It’s called UFC.

Morlock 11/29/2013 - 8:03 am

You watch TV? There’s a competitive reality TV show called ‘The Ultimate Fighter’. It’s a show about a group of MMA fighters competing and fighting one another to win a 6-figure (100,000 bucks) contract into the UFC. They put the fighters in a big house, and you just watch them progress through the competition. This season is special, though. For the first time ever in Ultimate Fighter history (a show that’s been going for about a decade now), women are competing in the house, too. Half of the competitors are woman, and the other half men. It’s been a good show so far, the show is just about over, though, all that’s left is the final bout/fight. The last event is going to be on Saturday, you can catch it on regular cable tv, I think. But yeah, there’s like 2 teams of fighters, each teams are being coached by fighter that’s already in the UFC, both in which are scheduled to fight one another, so there’s a rivalry thing going on between the two coaches. This year the coaches are female UFC fighters; Ronda Rousey (Champion) vs. Miesha Tate. They’re both awesome. The show is on the channel Fox Sport 2 ….. you can catch the final reruns, 8 shows, 8 hours; which actually starts right now =o …. Oh, it’s a 135 pound, man and woman for this season.

Morlock 11/29/2013 - 8:34 am

The final bout / fight consists of the last two women fighters and the last two men fighters; so there’s going to be 1 female winner and 1 male winner. The prize is a $100,000 contract into the UFC and their own custom made Harley motorcycle. The coaches, Ronda and Miesha are set to fight next month in December. The last time Ronda and Miesha fought, Ronda fully hyperextended Miesha’s arm in an arm-bar submission and won the fight by tap out. It was a nasty submission. The arm-bar is Ronda’s special move, she won all her 7 professional MMA fights by arm-bar submission, and now she’s the UFC champion of the world o_o … her record is 7-0-0; 7 wins, 0 loss, 0 draw. She’s….. the bomb.

bellajonas92 11/29/2013 - 11:39 am

oh gosh dear try to find happiness within something or someone if there is no reason to your unhappiness then just do this i know you would make it through this i feel you’re strong enough to try to get stronger medication and help yourself there’s this old saying god helps those who help themselve

Procel 11/29/2013 - 1:31 pm

Nearest i figure is over time your body and brain get usto the medication, learns to recognise it, like bacteria or viruses that become amune to the cure, (mrsa or whatever) resistant to the medication, perhaps ur dose needs to be increased or a different medication that ur body has not become resistant to. I am going to try a different method of fighting depression that involves rewriting the subconcious minds depressed state, still waiting on a delivery before i can start tho.

ididnotaskforbipolar 11/30/2013 - 3:23 am

Thanks for your input. There have been some very helpful ideas. however, A lot of people on this site are saying that I need to get off of my medicine , which I find very disheartening (and terrible advice). in all respect that is the worst thing to tell a person who is mentally ill, you dont know just how bad their condition. if i were to have taken that advice I would go into seizures. i’m on lamictal, seroquel, wellbutrim, celexa, and xanax. those are pretty heavy duty drugs.

Anyhow, I will continue to take all of my medication as for 4 years they have helped me live a normal life, the closest thing to happiness I’ve ever known. I see my doctor in 2 days, I’m just assuming perhaps I need a med adjustment. but i’m so happy to have gotten your support. you had some helpful ideas that i will always remember (that your brain is lying to you). it is true, its just a matter of sorting out all the hundreds of thoughts that are bouncing around in there. Thanks

ididnotaskforbipolar 11/30/2013 - 3:27 am

that’s what i was thinking, that meds need to be adjusted. im not sure what you meant by a method of rewriting the subconscious mind, but it sounds unique and helpful. Let me know how it works when you get to that point.

ididnotaskforbipolar 11/30/2013 - 3:44 am

Thank you dear, I’m actually feeling much better today. When I was younger I was so ashamed to have to take medication (as they called you out of class and everyone knew what was going on). once they even said alloud to the class “Ashley, it’s time to come take your medicine” that was terrible on their part.

After my last suicide attempt & hospitalization I was so incredibly miserable in all aspects of life. I didn’t eat, when i went to sleep i dreaded waking up the next day to do it all over again. SO i decided I would take the medication “why not?”

After a few weeks I never saw that part of me again. this is the closest to happiness I’ve ever been. though I don’t share some of the grusome details of self mutilation & suicide thoughts, I do share my experience with bipolar. I like to advocate how much medication can help turn things around. im not ashamed anymore. i didnt ask for this illness, and i was the one who made the attempt to do something about it. in fact, my friends today when i told them i was bipolar they were absoluteluy shocked. as calm and collected i am now, they found it hard to believe.

I see my doctor in 2 days, she is always very helpful. id say i need a simple med adjustment & maybe some good thoughts from her. i have gotten some pretty good advice on this site, other than some people on here telling me that i just need to stop the medicine, that it’s all the medicine’s fault. i feel like that advice should be reported. this is not the place to encourage people to deviate from their doctor’s advice. For the most im very happy to have joined. Thank you for all your help.

ididnotaskforbipolar 11/30/2013 - 3:57 am

I know that you mean well & I appreciate all your help, i really do. But I want to caution you on giving people advice about discontinuing their medication. In all do respect, that is not a good thing to tell a person who is mentally ill, you dont know just how bad their condition might be. In sum, this is not the place to encourage people to deviate from their doctor’s advice.

Many people who are mentally ill are very resistant to taking meds anyway, and they would be glad to just give it all up. If i personally were to have taken that advice I would go into seizures. i’m on lamictal, seroquel, wellbutrim, celexa, and xanax. those are pretty heavy duty drugs.

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