It’s My fault

I am 14 years old. Suicidal, Depressed, and Anxiety disorder. I was never like this.. till grade 6 when my life fell apart. Lets just start from the beginning.. When i was younger my parents had split up.. well actually me my mom and brother ran away from my dad.. because he was abusing my mom and she couldnt take it anymore.. behind my moms back he was abusing me too, but she doesnt know that. After a few years she had met a guy (Lawrence) he was alright at first but after awhile he started abusing me and my older brother .(Lets just call him jj). It was going on for so many years and my mom only knew that lawrence was abusing jj. She didnt know he was molesting me.. but of course she still stuck with him. when i was about 6 years old. my mom was pregnant with a boy. I hated that she was having a kid with him because that means that she wouldnt leave him. and eventually she had 3 more kids through the years, and the abuse still went on. One night pops out more than others.. the day my brother was beaten till he was almost dead.. I remember that night like it was yesterday. JJ had a swollen blood shot eye and bruised body. and i saw it all happen. i didnt stop it like i couldve. i couldve made it all go away.. if i told my mom what had happened non of this would happen! after that night everything got worse. my siblings and i were at my cousins while my mom was at the policew station with my aunt and uncle. i was getting a bottle for my baby sister and then i hear a bang on the door. and there he was Lawrence breaking in. i quickly ran to the nearest bedroom and hid in the closet with my siblings. He went door to door searching for us and found us. Forced us to get into the car. the only one who wasnt there was my older brother JJ. He was still hiding. I was scared to the point where i thought he was going to kill me and my siblings. He drove home. and when we got there he barricaded us in the house so no one can get in or out. he started drilling the doors in. and then police started banging on the door for him to open it. after 5 mins of banging he opened the door and the police arrested him. I couldnt stop crying i was both happy and sad at the same time. when Lawrence was with the police i told a police officer lady named Chris what lawrence was doing to me and my brother. and then when i saw my aunt i told her.. i never told my mom what had happened i let the police do it. She didnt believe me .. she thought i was making things up. i hated her so much for thinking that. 3 days before my baby sisters 1st brithday me and my siblings were taken away from my mom. and its my fault that happened. we stayed with our aunt for a bit but she then started hating us so they sent me and jj to a place where kids have no home. we stayed there for 30 days till i was placed with my grandma and my brother in foster care. i was in grade 6 when this all happened, and my brother in grade 7. I got depressed and started locking myself in my room and not coming out. I cried and told my grandma i hated her and that i wanted to die. she eventually got tired of me and sent me away. i had to stay in that place again for 30 days then i was placed into foster care. oh and my little siblings couldnt stay with my aunt anymore so they were also placed into a foster home. My mom well i wasnt seeing her that much anymore because i was mad at her.. i havent seen my siblings in months since we were separated. the foster home i was at i didnt like. i was staring grade 7 and i barely went. when i did go i wouldnt really talk to anyone. but i had good grades. in the middle of grade 7 i ended up going to the foster home with my brother. and i was happy ! i couldnt wait to see him after so long. i started getting closer with my mom again through the months. but i still wasnt happy .. i was still depressed and i started selfharming more. i have abunch of scars on my wrists and legs. because i hate myself for everyting that has happened. in grade 8 i met a boy. he was perfect. and i fell inlove with him.. and he fell inlove with me.. but our relationship was going down hill because i barely went to school and i was always sad.. i even took his virginity.. id say he took mine too but i lost mine in grade 4 when i was being abused..,. Our relationship lasted the whole school year untill summer of 2013. we ended up breaking up. i became even more sad. because i lost someone i really loved. then i moved on to a guy who was better then him. my bestguyfriend. from grade 8. we had crushes on eachother when we were single but never thought that wed date. but in the begginning of grade 9 he asked me out. i of course said yes. but I was still sad.. i had to tell him about how i am so that hed fall inlove with me not the girl who pretends to be happy. when he told me he said that he doesnt care. he likes me for me. and its been almost 4 months now. and at times i look back and still get sad. and end up selfharming but he makes me happy. he helps me get through sad times. But it still wont change the fact that i didnt stop what happened long time ago and that im not living with my family. im ashamed of being who i am and being in foster care. because people judge me. they think that im going to fail in life. and its all my fault that this happened. that my mother tries to commit suicide from time to time. its my fault that my life is messed up. this is all my fault.
This is my story. im sorry if some of it doesnt make much sense