No More Empathy

After 3 days I know why I post here. It’s because I can say whatever the fuck I want to people who can sorta understand what I’m going through. I don’t have to interact with people. I just can throw stuff out there and never have to deal with conversation. My three friends (the only people I could actually call friends) know a lot about my MDD but not everything. It’s too much for me to give them details. It hurts them more than it helps me. One of them, Abigail (no last names), suffers from an anxiety/depression disorder. More anxiety than depression though. She understands the best but not as well.

I used to be a people person. I used to love to see “friends” and go out with girls. But it’s different no. There no empathy anymore. I hate most people in general. If I counted up everyone I’ve ever known,  there’d be about 8 people I could stand. It feels like I’ve been enlightened. I can see how shitty of a person I am and how shitty everyone else is. That deep down, everyone isn’t a good person.

I’m sick of being like this.  Death is a release that I welcome. I won’t kill myself around the holidays because that’s just not conducive to Christmas cheer right? I’m tired of being a disappointment. It feels like everything I’ve done lets people down. I see the looks in their eyes. My parents wanted a kid who would learn from their mistakes, who would get good grades and be conservative and money wise and be the star athlete on the football team and when I catch the winning touchdown, they can proudly claim, “That’s my boy!!” Jesus fucking Christ. My parents are, truthfully, ashamed of me. I’m nothing more than a walking joke to everyone. I’m too damn weak. I want to be an artist, a musician, a film maker. I am an artistic person. But I’m not great. I’m only good. Everything I do is second best. People’s admiration of me rings hollow, overtly polite and forced. I’ve already made up my mind really. I’m gonna let everyone down in a big way one last time. And then never again.