Some Words in the Pagoda

I went to a pagoda in a nearby forest a few days ago. In the pagoda there are lots of engravings, taggings, carvings, and sharpie writing. Amongst all the carved/sharpied initials in hearts with the obligatory “___ & ___ together forever” thing, there is a place where people write longer messages. It is kind of like one giant, public diary. One sharpie writing felt relatable…..

If I really cared about somebody or loved somebody who didn’t reciprocate the same feeling I should still be content with the sole knowledge of that person’s happiness in life, regardless of my wants or presence But because I am not satisfied with knowing of just that prospect alone, I feel this particular case of emotion to be impure and non-genuine. It hurts when I am not always wanted in return, but it hurts even more when I’m experiencing desire so much it makes me turn from selfless caring to selfish longing. I feel shameful in my lack of will power to accept, back down, move on, or cope in more positive ways. I now waste time better spent on worthwhile productivity as I become increasingly self-destructive. It is natural to want things that we may not always be able to have. It doesn’t feel natural to fail repeatedly in accepting a situation that is clearly futile to pursue. It doesn’t make sense to want to be a part of something which is better off without me.

But I continue to mindlessly persist a hopeless case. Hopelessness isn’t the best feeling to have when I’m walking on a bridge.

Even if I spent my entire life trying for something or somebody but nothing ever arose from it, it wouldn’t be a life wasted because I spent it following my honest passions. But when I don’t know how honest I’m living, I don’t know how worthwhile it is to remain.