Through the looking glass and beyond

I don’t believe in god or an afterlife. makes me regret all the things i haven’t done yet in life. The finality of it all. Unfortunately the list of problems that require a permanent solution stack up faster and faster. Makes me realize I can’t check out till i put some shit in order first. Well I at least have to try and slow down this crash. The holidays just make it worse. Watching my family this Christmas was like watching an ant hill before you stomp on it. They have no idea…They go about their lives oblivious and “uncaring”  well more like hopefully bullshitting themselves about the world order and more specifically me. watching them scurry around like ants just trying to put together Christmas. The gift giving this year was hard too. Putting so much effort into picking thoughtful gifts. It might be my last one. The thoughtful gifts I got…I only asked for 1 thing. A poker chip set. I got the poker set but then it hit me how useless it will be. I don’t have anyone to play poker with anymore. No true friends. All my cousins brought their boyfriends with and were cuddling and whispering to each other after dinner. I just felt really jealous. I have no one to bring. It just reminded me of my ex cheating on me. I remember having some of that happiness. Of doing that with my girlfriend. Now when i remember the closeness it’s just warmth followed immediately by a sinking feeling like getting punched in the gut. I have no one to live for. i’m lonely and have only work. I feel like the boot. the ants will have no idea why their world just caved in. I pity them and despise them at the same time for their happiness. I’ve become bitter and antisocial. I don’t say much anymore because it’s mostly mean or people take my depression and pick up on it but think i just have a bad attitude. If choosing to feel better was all it took then I would have felt better a long time ago cause ive been trying real hard for YEARS….