You tell them that you want to find a beautiful place to die in. They question your motives. You say it’s simply because you’re tired. They tell you that maybe it’s because you never sleep. You tell them that you are worn out. They don’t understand why you’re upset. You tell them that it’s just who you are. They bring up the fact that you smile everyday. You try to explain to them that you smile to remind yourself of who you are. They’re confused that you’ve suddenly become a different person. You apologize for being a burden. They tell you not to worry but really, who wants to carry that kind of weight around. You apologize again because you can feel the regret in their words. They tell you that you don’t need to apologize. You apologize yet again because you know that they would rather you have never told them in the first place. They watch you in uncomfortable silence. You cry because you realize that your thoughts were a mistake. They apologize to you for not being able to do anything. You tell them not to worry since it’s clearly your fault. They don’t respond. You stop crying and start smiling. They think you’ve gotten over your seemingly random break down. You keep smiling. They ask you if you’re okay. You say yes.
You will find that beautiful place tomorrow.
2 comments
Seems like you’re misunderstood. This happens a lot, I feel you. Hope you’re ok wherever you are now.
I have been feeling this exact same way. I finally told someone yesterday that I want to leave this world. I just don’t want to be here anymore. He said: “There has to be something I can do.” I thought about it, and really considered if there were anything anyone could do. There is not. It was awkward. It reminded me of why I keep these thoughts to myself. I actually have a plan. I have thought this through at length. I signed on to this forum when I read your post because I relate to it so much. I don’t know what to say except that my life does not feel real. I don’t feel authentic in this body I occupy. I am not sure how to explain this experience. I will say that when I contemplate my plan to take my life I feel more peace than any other time- and when I contemplate not doing so a wave of fear comes over me. I am not sure If I make sense any more. In short, you are understood by at least one person- your words make perfect sense to me. You can reach out to me if you would like.